Welcome to TiddlyWiki created by Jeremy Ruston, Copyright © 2007 UnaMesa Association
[img[http://gorgeaccess.net/npd/u-npd.png]]
This web page is powered by TiddlyWiki, which has many characteristics of a wiki, but all in a single html file, making it easy to share via download or as an attachment.
See TiddlyHelp to learn more about navigation and uses of this document. For now all you need to know is the links on the left will open up areas that are not open or change the focus to a section that is open. And if you close all your stuff refreshing the page will reload the default settings.
Clicking on [[NPD]] will open up the article ''A Primer on Narcissism'' by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
Clicking on [[NarcissisticAbuse]] will open a page with links to four articles by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
*Surviving the Narcissist
*Divorcing a Narcissist or a Psychopath
*Coping with a Paranoid Ex-spouse
*Coping with Stalking and Stalkers
This TiddlyWiki is a primer on narcissistic abuse. It is dedicated to those who are pondering what to do with the rest of their lives after the healing begins. Please feel free to share it with anyone you like.
AboutThis
OurMission
SiteNews
[[GettingStarted]]
!Divorcing a Narcissist or a Psychopath
By Sam Vaknin
Author of //Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited//
This article is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant groups and agencies in your domicile.
''GET HELP''
Your first "fallback" option is ''your family''. They are, in many cases (though by no means always) your natural allies. They can provide you with shelter, money, emotional support, and advice. Don't hesitate to call on them in times of need.
''Your friends'' and, to a lesser extent, your ''colleagues and neighbours'' will usually lend you a sympathetic ear and will provide you with useful tips. Merely talking to them can not only ease the burden – but protect you from future abuse. Stalkers and paranoids thrive on secrecy and abhor public exposure.
Regrettably, resorting to the ''legal system'' – your next logical step – is bound to be a disappointing, disempowering, and invalidating experience. I wrote about it extensively in the essay [["Pathologizing the Victim"|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse2.html]].
A 1997 Review Paper titled ''"Stalking (Part II) Victims' Problems With the Legal System and Therapeutic Considerations"'', Karen M. Abrams, MD, FRCPC1, Gail Erlick Robinson, MD, DPsych, FRCPC2 note:
''"Law-enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility; 'private' misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and, because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile… This sense of futility, reinforced by the media and the courts, may be transmitted to the victim.''
''In cases involving ex-lovers, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Ms A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself or as the actions of a rejected lover or lovesick individual, more to be empathised with than censured (2). Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender…''
''In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking (1,5). The nature of the offences themselves makes investigations and prosecution difficult, because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against stalkers include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law-enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive, at most, minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties. Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred."''
Still, it is crucial that you document the abuse and stalking and duly report them to the ''police'' and to your ''building security''. If your stalker is in jail, you should report him to the ''wardens'' and to his ''parole officer''. It is important to resort to the ''courts'' in order to obtain restraining or cease and desist orders. Keep law enforcement officers and agencies fully posted. Don't hesitate to call upon them as often as you need to. It is their job. Hire a ''security expert'' if the threat is credible or imminent.
You are well advised to rely on ''professional advice'' throughout your prolonged and arduous disentanglement from your paranoid and stalking ex. Use attorneys, accountants, private detectives, and therapists to communicate with him. Consult your ''lawyer'' (or, if you can't afford one, apply for a pro bono lawyer provided by a civic association, or your state's legal aid). Ask him or her what are your rights, what kinds of legal redress you have, what safety precautions you should adopt – and what are the do's and don't do's of your situation.
Especially important is to choose the right ''therapist'' for you and for your children. Check whether he or she has any experience with victims of stalking and with the emotional effects of constant threat and surveillance (fear, humiliation, ambivalence, helplessness, paranoid ideation). Stalking is a traumatic process and you may need intervention to ameliorate the post traumatic stress effects it wreaks.
Join online and offline ''groups and organisations for victims of abuse and stalking''. Peer support is critical. Helping others and sharing experiences and fears with other victims is a validating and empowering as well as a useful experience. Realising that you are not alone, that you are not crazy, and that the whole situation is not your fault helps to restore your shattered self-esteem and puts things in perspective.
The ''social services'' in your area are geared to deal with battering and stalking. They likely run shelters for victims of domestic violence and abuse, for instance.
!!DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTERS
Shelters are run, funded, and managed either by governments or by volunteer non-government organisations. According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2000 groups involved in sheltering abused women and their off-spring.
Before you opt for moving with your children into a sheltered home or apartment, go through this check list.
1. It is important to make sure that the philosophy of the organisers of the shelters accords with your own. Some shelters, for instance, are run by feminist movements and strongly emphasise self-organisation, co-operation, and empowerment through decision-making. Other shelters are supervised by the Church or other religious organisations and demand adherence to a religious agenda. Yet others cater to the needs of specific ethnic minorities or neighbourhoods.
2. Can you abide by the house rules? Are you a smoker? Some shelters are for non-smokers. What about boyfriends? Most shelters won't allow men on the premises. Do you require a special diet due to medical reasons? Is the shelter's kitchen equipped to deal with your needs?
3. Gather intelligence and be informed before you make your move. Talk to battered women who spent time in the shelter, to your social worker, to the organisers of the shelter. Check the local newspaper archive and visit the shelter at least twice: in daytime and at night.
4. How secure is the shelter? Does it allow visitation or any contact with your abusive spouse? Does the shelter have its own security personnel? How well is the shelter acquainted with domestic violence laws and how closely is it collaborating with courts, evaluators, and law enforcement agencies? Is recidivism among abusers tracked and discouraged? Does the shelter have a good reputation among them? You wouldn't want to live in a shelter that is shunned by the police and the judicial system.
5. How does the shelter tackle the needs of infants, young children, and adolescents? What are the services and amenities it provides? What things should you bring with you when you make your exit – and what can you count on the shelter to make available? What should you pay for and what is free of charge? How well-staffed is the shelter? Is the shelter well-organised? Are the intake forms anonymous?
6. How accessible is the shelter to public transport, schooling, and to other community services?
7. Does the shelter have a batterer intervention program or workshop and a women's support group? In other words, does it provide counselling for abusers as well as ongoing succour for their victims? Are the programs run only by volunteers (laymen peers)? Are professionals involved in any of the activities and, if so, in what capacity (consultative, supervisory)?
Additionally, does the shelter provide counselling for children, group and individual treatment modalities, education and play-therapy services, along with case management services?
Is the shelter associated with outpatient services such vocational counselling and job training, outreach to high schools and the community, court advocacy, and mental health services or referrals?
8. Most important: don't forget that shelters are a temporary solution. These are transit areas and you are fully expected to move on. Not everyone is accepted. You are likely to be interviewed at length and screened for both your personal needs and compatibility with the shelter's guidelines. Is it really a crisis situation, are your life or health at risk – or are you merely looking to "get away from it all"? Even then, expect to be placed on a waiting list. Shelters are not vacation spots. They are in the serious business of defending the vulnerable.
When you move into a shelter, you must know in advance what your final destination is. Imagine and plan your life after the shelter. Do you intend to relocate? If so, would you need financial assistance? What about the children's education and friends? Can you find a job? Have everything sorted out. Only then, pack your things and leave your abuser.
!!PREPARING YOUR GETAWAY
Do not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan – how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.
Here are the recommendations of the Province of Alberta in Canada:
Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include: identity cards, health care and social insurance or security Cards, driver's license/registration, credit cards and bank cards, other personal identification (including picture ID), birth certificate, immunisation card for the children, custody order, personal chequebook, last banking statement, and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes (for instance: ATM PINs).
When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items: prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses/contact lenses, money (borrow from family members, a neighbour, colleague, or friends, if you have to), several changes of clothing (don't forget night wear and underwear), heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums (pictures that you want to keep), craft, needle work, hobby work.
The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favourite toy or blanket, and clothing (again: night wear, underwear). Older kids may carry their own clothes and school books.
Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times: addresses and phone numbers of domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media, and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys. Secure a detailed public transportation map.
Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights. Read more about shelters here – [[Domestic Violence Shelters|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html]].
If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later. Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.
But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.
We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents [see above]. Don't escape from your predicament penniless! Secretly put aside cash for an Escape Fund. Your husband is likely to block your checking account and credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you? Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted. Be sure to know where you are going!
Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these "reserve troves" with friends and family. Put one such "trove" in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust. Secure transportation for the day or night of escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family ("If I don't call you by 10 PM, something has gone wrong", "If I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police").
You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home. Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to slip away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your absence.
!!GETTING THE POLICE AND LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES INVOLVED
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:
Involve the police whenever possible.
Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.
Physical assault is a criminal offence as are rape and, in some countries, stalking and marital rape. If you have been physically or sexually assaulted, go to the nearest hospital and document your injuries. Be sure to obtain copies of the admission form, the medical evaluation report, and of any photographs and exam results (X-rays, computerised tomography-CT, biopsies, and so on).
If your abusive intimate partner verbally threatens you, your nearest and dearest, or your property or pets – this is also criminal conduct. To the best of your ability, get him on tape or make him repeat his threats in the presence of witnesses. Then promptly file a complaint with the police.
If your abuser forces you to remain indoors, in isolation, he is committing an offence. Forced confinement or imprisonment is illegal. While so incarcerated, failing to provide you with vital necessities – such as air, water, medical aid, and food – is yet another criminal act.
Damage to property rendering it inoperative or useless – is mischief. It is punishable by law. Same goes for cruelty to animals (let alone children).
If your partner swindled you out of funds or committed fraud, theft, or perjury (by falsifying your signature on a checking or credit card account, for instance) – report him to the police. Financial abuse is as pernicious as the physical variety.
In most countries, the police must respond to your complaint. They cannot just file it away or suppress it. They must talk to you and to your partner separately and obtain written and signed statements from both parties. The police officer on the scene must inform you of your legal options. The officer in charge must also furnish you with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in your community.
If you suspect that a member of your family is being abused, the police, in most countries, can obtain a warrant permitting entry into the premises to inspect the situation. They are also authorised to help the victim relocate (leave) and to assist her in any way, including by applying on her behalf and with her consent to the courts to obtain restraining and emergency protection orders. A breach of either of these orders may be an indictable criminal offence as well as a civil offence.
If you decide to pursue the matter and if there are reasonable grounds to do so, the police will likely lay charges against the offender and accuse your partner of assault. Actually, your consent is only a matter of formality and is not strictly required. The police can charge an offender on the basis of evidence only.
If the team on the scene refuses to lay charges, you have the right to talk to a senior police officer. If you cannot sway them to act, you can lay charges yourself by going to the court house and filing with a Justice of the Peace (JP). The JP must let you lay charges. It is your inalienable right.
You cannot withdraw charges laid by the police and you most probably will be subpoenaed to testify against the abuser.
!!PEACE BONDS AND RESTRAINING ORDERS
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:
''Involve the courts whenever possible.''
In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a stand-alone measure.
In some countries, the police applies to the court for an emergency protection order on your behalf. The difference between a protection order and a restraining order is that the former is obtained following an incident of domestic violence involving injury or damage to property, it is available immediately, granted at the police's request, and issued even outside court hours.
Many restraining orders are granted ex parte, without the knowledge or presence of your abusive partner, based solely on a signed and sworn affidavit submitted by you. A typical emergency restraining order forbids the offender from visiting certain locations such as the children's schools, your workplace, or your home. It is later reviewed. At the review you should produce evidence of the abuse and witnesses. If the emergency or temporary order upheld it is fixed for a period of time at the judge's discretion.
Always carry the restraining order with you and leave copies at your place of employment and at your children's day-care and schools. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the restraining order is a criminal offence.
The wording of the order is not uniform – and it is crucial. "The police shall arrest" is not the same as "The police may arrest" the offender if he ignores the conditions set forth in the order. Don't forget to ask the court to forbid him to contact you by phone and other electronic means. Seek a new restraining order if you had moved and your place of residence or your workplace or the children's day-care or school changed.
If the abuser has visitation rights with the children, these should be specified in the order. Include a provision allowing you to deny the visit if he is intoxicated. The order can be issued against your abuser's family and friends as well if they harass and stalk you.
A restraining order is no substitute for taking precautionary measures to safeguard yourself and your children. Abusers often ignore the court's strictures and taunt you all the same. The situation can easily escalate and get out of hand. Be prepared for such unpleasant and dangerous eventualities.
Avoid empty and unlit areas, carry relevant emergency numbers with you at all times, install a personalised alarm system, wear comfortable shoes and clothes to allow you to run if attacked. Trust your senses – if you feel that you are being followed, go to a public place (restaurant, department store, cinema). Learn by rote the transit routes of all public transport around your home and workplace and make special arrangement with the cab operator nearest to you. You may also wish to consider buying a weapon or, at least, a spray can.
If you were physically or sexually assaulted or if you are being stalked or harassed, keep records of the incidents and a list of witnesses. Never hesitate to lay charges against your abuser, his family and friends. See your charges through by testifying against the offenders. Try not to withdraw the charges even if you worked out your problems. Abusers learn the hard way and a spell in jail (or even a fine) is likely to guarantee your future safety.
Based on a criminal police file, the criminal court can also force your abuser (and his family and friends if they have been harassing you) to sign a peace bond in the presence of a judge. It is a pledge of good behaviour, often requiring your abuser to stay away from your home and place of work for a period of 3-12 months. Some peace bonds forbid the abuser from carrying weapons.
Have the peace bond with you at all times and leave copies at your children's day-care and schools and at your place of employment. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the peace bond is a criminal offence.
Do not meet your abuser or speak to him while the restraining order or peace bond are in effect. The courts are likely to take a very dim view of the fact that you yourself violated the terms of these instruments of law issued for your protection and at your request.
There are many additional remedies the courts can apply. They can force your abusive partner to surrender to you households items and clothing, to grant you access to bank accounts and credit cards, to defray some costs, to pay alimony and child support, to submit to psychological counselling and evaluation, and to grant the police access to his home and workplace. Consult your family or divorce attorney as to what else can be done.
In theory, the courts are the victims' friends. The truth, however, is a lot more nuanced. If you are not represented, your chances to get protection and prevail (to have your day in court) are slim. The courts also show some [[institutional bias|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse2.html]] in favour of the abuser. Yet, despite these hurdles there is no substitute to getting the legal system to weigh in and restrain your abuser. Use it wisely and you will not regret it.
!!WORKING WITH PROFESSIONALS
Selecting the right professional is crucial. In the hands of an incompetent service provider, you may end up feeling abused all over again.
Go through the following check list before you settle on a divorce attorney, a financial consultant, a tax planner, a security adviser, or an accountant. Don't be ashamed to demand full disclosure - you have a right to do so. If you are met with impatience, arrogance, or a patronizing attitude - leave. This is not the right choice.
Make additional enquiries. Join online support groups and ask the members for recommendations. Visit [[directories|http://www.suite101.com/links.cfm/npd]] on the Web - they are usually arranged by city, state, region, and country. Compare notes with others who have had similar experiences. Ask friends, neighbors, and family members to do the same. Scan the media for mentions of experts and mavens. Seek advice and referrals - the more the better.
''Suggested Check List''
Is the professional certified in your state/country? Can he himself fully represent you?
Will you be served by the expert himself - or by his staff? Don't end up being represented by someone you never even met! Make the professional's personal services an explicit condition in any written and verbal arrangement you make.
Obtain a complete financial offer, all fees and charges included, before you hire the services. Make sure you are aware of the full monetary implications of your decisions. Finding yourself financially stranded midway through is bad policy. If you can afford it - don't compromise and go for the best. But if you don't have the pecuniary means - don't overshoot.
What is the professional's track record? Does he have a long, varied, and successful experience in cases similar to yours? Don't hesitate to ask him or her for recommendations and referrals, testimonials and media clips.
What are the likely outcomes of the decisions you make, based on the specialist's recommendations? A true pro will never provide you with an iron-clad guarantee but neither will he dodge the question. Your expert should be able to give you a reasonably safe assessment of risks, rewards, potential and probable outcomes, and future developments.
Always enquire about different courses of action and substitute measures. Ask your professional why he prefers one method or approach to another and what is wrong with the alternatives. Don't accept his authority as the sole arbiter. Don't hesitate to argue with him and seek a second opinion if you are still not convinced.
Make the terms of your agreement crystal-clear, get it in writing, and in advance. Don't leave anything to chance or verbal understanding. Cover all grounds: the scope of activities, the fees, the termination clauses. Hiring a consultant is like getting married - you should also contemplate a possible divorce.
Relegate any inevitable contact with your abusive ex – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant. Work with professionals to extricate yourself and your loved ones from the quagmire of an abusive relationship.
Having chosen your team of consultants and experts – and having hired their services – relegate any inevitable contact with your abusive ex – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant. Work with these qualified third parties to extricate yourself and your loved ones from the quagmire of an abusive relationship.
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. Do //''NOT''// contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but //''NEVER''// rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests. But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all //''GRATUITOUS''// contact with the narcissist.
Remember that many interactions are initiated by your abusive ex in order to trap or intimidate you. Keep referring him to your lawyer regarding legal issues, to your accountant or financial advisor concerning money matters, and to therapists, psychologists, and counselors with regards to everything else (yourself and your common children).
Abusers react badly to such treatment. Yours will try to manipulate you into unintended contact. Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail and snail mail messages. Keep records of such correspondence and make it immediately available to the courts, law enforcement agencies, court-mandated evaluators, guardians ad litem, therapists, marital counselors, child psychologist – and to your good friends. Keep him away by obtaining restraining orders and injunctions aplenty.
Abusers crave secrecy. Expose their misdeeds. Deter abuse by being open about your predicament. Share with like-minded others. It will ease your burden and keep him at bay, at least for awhile.
Your abusive ex-partner will try to dazzle you with attention. Return all gifts he sends you – unopened and unacknowledged. Keep your communications with him to the bare, cold, minimum. Do not be impolite or abusive – it is precisely how he wants you to behave. It may be used against you in a court of law. Keep your cool but be firm.
Do not let him re-enter your life surreptitiously. Stealth and [[ambient abuse|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse10.html]] are powerful tools. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but unambiguous, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him, that it's over for good.
Do not succumb to your weakness. It is tough living alone. You are bound to miss him horribly at times, selectively recalling only the good moments and the affection in your doomed relationship. Do not "dip" into the poisonous offerings of your abuser. Do not relapse. Be strong. Fill your life with new hobbies, new interests, new friends, new loves, and a new purpose.
Do not visit your abuser on "special occasions", or in emergencies. Do not let him convince you to celebrate an anniversary, a birthday, a successful business transaction, a personal achievement or triumph. Do not let him turn your own memories against you. Do not visit him in the hospital, in jail, a rehab center, or join him in a memorial service.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need. When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his. Your abuser's friendship is fake, his life with you a confabulation, his intentions dishonest and dishonorable. He is the enemy.
[[|Abuse by proxy|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html]] continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are concerned). Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties. Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him.
The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others – more vindictive and obsessed – continue to haunt their quarry for years to come. These are the stalkers.
!!THE COURT PROCEEDINGS
You should distinguish the factual pillar from the psychological pillar of any cross-examination of a narcissist or deposition made by him.
It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of the facts.
It is very easy to "break" a narcissist – even a well-trained and well-prepared one.
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self.
Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasises that he possesses.
Any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.
Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim, an average person of mediocre accomplishments.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist reacts indignantly, with wrath, hatred, aggression, or even overt violence to any infringement of what he perceives to be his natural entitlement.
Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are of such cosmic significance that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to interact or be treated (or questioned) only by unique individuals. He resents being doubted and "ridiculed".
Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest inflame the narcissist. He holds himself to be omnipotent and omniscient.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his desires are not everyone's priority, that he is boring or ignorant, that his needs can be catered to by any common practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. – and the narcissist will likely lose control.
The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd.
Contradict him often, disagree with him and criticize his judgement, expose his shortcomings, humiliate and berate him ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to posses ", "So, you have no formal education", "You are (mistake his age, make him much older)", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a certain Ms. … who is (suppressed grin) a stripper (in demeaning disbelief)".
I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you can insinuate them or hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or deposition phase, etc. Narcissists hate innuendos even more than they detest direct attacks.
!!WHAT ABOUT COMMON CHILDREN
The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.
''Co-opting''
Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim, criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and inflict on her various forms of [[ambient abuse|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse10.html]].
As I wrote in [[Abuse by Proxy|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html]]:
''"Even the victim's (children) are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.''
''Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."''
This is especially true with young - and, therefore vulnerable - offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are frequently emotionally blackmailed by him ("If you want daddy to love you, do this or refrain from doing that"). They lack life experience and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to work for a living), and for "cheating" on her ex with a new boyfriend or husband.
''Co-opting The System''
The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to [[pathologize the victim|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse2.html]] and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her.
''Threatening''
Abusers are insatiable and vindictive. They always feel deprived and unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid and sadistic. If they fail to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent, they begin treat the kids as enemies. They are not above threatening the children, abducting them, abusing them (sexually, physically, or psychologically), or even outright harming them - in order to get back at the erstwhile partner or in order to make her do something.
Most victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary, encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive – it sometimes proves outright dangerous.
Children have a right to know the overall state of affairs between their parents. They have a right not to be cheated and deluded into thinking that "everything is basically OK" – or that the separation is reversible. Both parents are under a moral obligation to tell their offspring the truth: the relationship is over for good.
Younger kids tend to believe that they are somehow responsible or guilty for the breakdown of the marriage. They must be disabused of this notion. Both parents would do best to explain to them, in straightforward terms, what led to the dissolution of the bond. If spousal abuse is wholly or partly to blame – it should be brought out to the open and discussed honestly.
In such conversations it is best not to allocate blame. But this does not mean that wrong behaviors should be condoned or whitewashed. The victimized parent should tell the child that abusive conduct is wrong and must be avoided. The child should be taught how to identify the warning signs of impending abuse – sexual, verbal, psychological, and physical.
Moreover, a responsible parent should teach the child how to resist inappropriate and hurtful actions. The child should be brought up to insist on being respected by the other parent, on having him or her observe the child's boundaries and accept the child's needs and emotions, choices, and preferences.
The child should learn to say "no" and to walk away from potentially compromising situations with the abusive parent. The child should be brought up not to feel guilty for protecting himself or herself and for demanding his or her rights.
Remember this: An abusive parent //''IS DANGEROUS TO THE CHILD''//.
''Idealization – Devaluation Cycles''
Most abusers accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as Sources of Narcissistic Supply, mere instruments of gratification – idealize them at first and then devalue them in favour of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment – being idealized and then dumped and devalued – is traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects on the child.
''Jealousy''
Some abusers are jealous of their offspring. They envy them for being the center of attention and care. They treat their own kids as hostile competitors. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – the abuser prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his children, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets).
''Objectification''
Sometimes, the child is perceived to be a mere bargaining chip in a drawn out battle with the erstwhile victim of the abuser (read the previous article in this series – [[Leveraging the Children|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html]]). This is an extension of the abuser's tendency to dehumanize people and treat them as objects.
Such abusive partners seek to manipulate their former mate by "taking over" and monopolizing their common children. They foster an atmosphere of emotional (and bodily) incest. The abusive parent encourages his kids to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.
''Breach of Personal Boundaries and Incest''
It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse – up to and including outright incest – is heightened. Many abusers are auto-erotic. They are the preferred objects of their own sexual attentions. Molesting or having intercourse with one's children is as close as one gets to having sex with oneself.
Abusers often perceive sex in terms of annexation. The molested child is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the offender, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the abuser, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies, his children's included.
The abuser's inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse – verbal, emotional, physical, and, often, sexual. The abuser's possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions – transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy – hinder his ability to act as a "good enough" parent. His propensities for reckless behaviour, substance abuse, and sexual deviance endanger the child's welfare, or even his or her life.
''Conflict''
Minors pose little danger of criticizing the abuser or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent derives gratification from having incestuous relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies".
Yet, the older the offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the abusive parent. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.
This brings the abusive parent back a full cycle. Again, he perceives his sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.
He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.
To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The abuser usually finally gets what he wants – his kids detach and abandon him to his great sorrow, but also to his great relief.
!!ARTICLES
What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
Toxic Relationships Study Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/
Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive
http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse
Open Site Family Violence
http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/
[[Download your own copy of this file|http://gorgeaccess.net/npd/npd-tw.html]] by right clicking and saving to a folder on your hard drive or storage media. Then close this page and open your own copy that you just saved.
To get started with customizing your [[TiddlyWiki]], you'll need to modify the following tiddlers:
* [[SiteTitle]] & [[SiteSubtitle]]: The title and subtitle of the site, as shown above (after saving, they will also appear in the browser title bar)
* [[MainMenu]]: The menu (usually on the left)
* [[DefaultTiddlers]]: Contains the names of the tiddlers that you want to appear when the TiddlyWiki is opened
You'll also need to enter your username for signing your edits: <<option txtUserName>>
See TiddlyHelp to learn more about the power of this little wiki engine and for resources on custom versions, themes and add-ons.
[[GorgeAccess.Net|http://gorgeaccess.net/]]
[[AboutThis]]
[[NPD]]
[[NarcissisticAbuse]]
[[OurForum]]
[[OurMission]]
[[SiteNews]]
[[GettingStarted]]
!A Primer on Narcissism
Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
''NARCISSISM (n. sing.)''
A pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.
Narcissism is named after the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus who was a handsome Greek youth who rejected the desperate advances of the nymph Echo. In punishment of his cruelty, he was doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, he pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name to this very day.
''WHAT IS NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?''
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been recognized as a seperate mental health disorder in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM) in 1980. Its diagnostic criteria and their interpretation have undergone a major revision in the DSM III-R (1987) and were substantially revamped in the DSM IV in 1994. The European ICD-10 basically contains identical language.
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:
1. Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion
3. Firmaly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation -or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).
5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
9. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
Sam Vaknin. (1999). Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, first edition. Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication. ("Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html )
''More Data About Pathological Narcissists''
* Most narcissists (75%) are men.
* NPD (=the Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is one of a "family" of personality disorders (formerly known as "Cluster B"). Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
* NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity") - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviours ("dual diagnosis").
* NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).
* There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.
* It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.
* Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
* The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
* There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
* Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").
* Narcissists are either "Classic" - see definition below - or they are "Compensatory", or "Inverted" - see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist" - http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq66.html
* NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.
To learn more, go here:
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited (link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq1.html)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (link: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd )
''I. Pathological Narcissism Overview''
Whether narcissism and its pathology are the results of genetic programming (see Anthony Benis and others) or of dysfunctional families and faulty upbringing or of anomic societies and disruptive socialization processes - is still an unresolved debate. The scarcity of scientific research, the fuzziness of the diagnosic criteria and the differential diagnoses make it unlikely that this will be settled soon one way or the other.
It is the psychoanalytic belief that we are all Narcissists at an early stage of our lives. As infants and toddlers we all feel that we are the center of the Universe, the most import ant, omnipotent and omniscient beings. At that phase of our development, our parents are perceived by us to be mythical figures, immortal and awesomely powerful, there solely to cater to our needs, to protect and nourish us. Both Self and others are viewed immaturely, as idealizations. This, in the psychodynamic models, is called the phase of "primary" narcissism.
Inevitably, the inexorable processes and conflicts of life erode these perceptions and reduce the ideal into the the real. Adaptation is a process of disillusionment. If this process is abrupt, inconsistent, unpredictable, capricious, arbitrary and intense - the injuries sustained by the infant's tender, budding, self-esteem, are severe and, often, irreversible. Moreover, the empathic support of our caretakers (the Primary Objects, the parents) is crucial. In its absence, our sense of self-worth and self-esteem in adulthood tends to fluctuate, to alternate between over-valuation (idealization) and devaluation of both Self and others.
Narcissistic adults are widely thought to be the result of bitter disappointment, of radical disillusionment in the significant others in their infancy. Healthy adults accept their self-limitations (the boundaries and limitations of their selves). They accept disappointments, setbacks, failures, criticism and disillusionment with grace and tolerance. Their self-esteem is constant and positive, not substantially affected by outside events, no matter how severe.
''II. Pathological Narcissim: Schools of Thought''
The common view is that we go through the stages of a linear development. We are propelled forward by forces. Various psychoanalytic and psychodynamic models incorporate the libido (force of life) and Thanatos (force of death) in Freud's thinking, Meaning in Frenkel's, socially mediated phenomena (Adler, Behaviourism), cultural context (Horney), interpersonal relations (Sullivan) and neurobiological and neurochemical forces, to mention but a few schools.
These thought systems differ on many issues. Some postulate the cessation of personal development during childhood, others - during adolescence. Yet others claim that development is a process which continues throughout a person's life. Common to all these schools of thought are the mechanics and dynamics of the psychic process. Forces - inner or external - facilitate the development of the individual. When an obstacle to development is encountered, development is stunted or arrested - but not for long. A distorted pattern of development, a bypass appears. Hence, psychopathological conditions are the outcomes of disturbed growth. Humans can be compared to trees. When a tree encounters a physical obstacle to its growth - its branches or roots curl around it. Yet, deformed and ugly, they still reach their destination, however late and partially. Psychopathologies are adaptive mechanisms. They allow the individual to continue to grow around the disturbing factor. The personality twists and turns, deforms itself, is transformed - until it reaches a functional equilibrium, which is not too ego-dystonic. There it settles down and continues its more or less linear pattern of growth. But the thrust is clear: onwards. Adaptation above all, growth at any price, straight or deformed. The forces of life (as expressed in the development of the personality) are stronger than any hindrance. The roots of trees crack mighty rocks, microbes live in the most poisonous surroundings - humans form the personality structure which is best suited to their needs and outside constraints. Such a personality structure may be abnormal - but it has triumphed in the delicate task of successful adaptation.
''III. Narcissistic Regression and the Formation of Secondary Narcissism''
Research shows that (Gunderson-Roningstam, 1996) when an individual (at any age) encounters an obstacle to his orderly progression from one stage of development to another - he retreats to his infantile-Narcissistic phase rather than circumvent the hindrance. The process is three-stepped: (1) The person encounters an obstacle, (2) The person regresses to the primary Narcissistic phase, and (3) The person recuperates and moves back from the primary Narcissistic phase to attack the obstacle again. While in step (2), the person displays childish, immature behaviours. He feels that he is omnipotent and misjudges his power and the power of his opponents and opposition. He underestimates challenges facing him and pretends to be "Mr. Know-All". His sensitivity to the needs and emotions of others and his ability to empathize with them deteriorates sharply. He becomes intolerably haughty and arrogant, with sadistic and paranoid tendencies. Above all, he then seeks unconditional admiration, even when he does not deserve it. He is preoccupied with fantastic, magical, thinking and daydreams his life away. He tends to exploit others, to envy them, to be edgy and explode with unexplained rage. A person undergoing a psychological development crisis brought on by an insurmountable obstacle - will, mostly, revert to excessive and compulsive behaviour patterns. To put it succinctly: whenever we experience a major life crisis (which hinders our personal growth and threatens it) - we suffer from a mild and transient form of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (see further in this article).
This fantasy world, full of falsity and feelings hurt, serves as a springboard. It is from there that the individual can resume his progress towards the next stage of personal growth. Faced with the same obstacle, he feels (falsely) sufficiently potent to ignore it or to attack it. In most cases, success is guaranteed by the very unrealistic assessment of the fortitude and magnitude of the obstacle. The main function of the episodic NPD is this: to encourage the individual to engage in magical thinking, to wish the problem away or to enchant it or to tackle and overcome it from a position of omnipotence.
A structural abnormality of personality arises only when recurrent attacks fail constantly and consistently to eliminate the obstacle, or to overcome the hindrance - especially if this failure happens during the formative years (0-4 years of age). The contrast between the fantastic world (temporarily) occupied by the individual and the real world in which he keeps being frustrated - is too acute to countenance for long. The dissonance gives rise to the unconscious "decision" to go on living in the world of fantasy, grandiosity and entitlement. It is better to feel special than to feel inadequate. It is better to be omnipotent than psychologically impotent. To (ab)use others is preferable to being (ab)used by them. In short: it is better to remain a pathological Narcissist than to face the harsh unyielding realities. This phase of permanent narcissism is often called "secondary" narcissism.
''IV. The Dynamics of Narcissism - The Mother-Child Bond''
Narcissism and its pathologies are commonly tackled by the application of the various psychodynamic models.
According to these models, parents ("Primary Objects") and, more specifically, mothers are the first agents of socialization. It is through his mother that the child explores the most important questions, the answers to which will shape his entire life. How loved one is, how lovable, how independent can one become, how guilty one should feel for wanting to become autonomous, how predictable is the world, how much abuse should one expect in life and so on. The mother, to the infant, is not only an object of dependence (survival is at stake), love and adoration. It is a representation of the Universe itself. It is through her that the child first exercises his senses: the tactile, the olfactory, and the visual. Later on, she is the subject of his nascent sexual cravings (if the child is a male) - a diffuse sense of wanting to merge, physically, as well as spiritually. This object of love is idealized and internalized and becomes part of our conscience ("superego" in the psychoanalytic model).
Growing up (attaining maturity and adulthood) entails the gradual detachment from the mother. At first, the child begins to shape a more realistic view of her and incorporates the mother's shortcomings and disadvantages in this modified version. The more ideal, less realistic and earlier picture of the mother is stored and becomes part of the child's psyche. The later, less cheerful, more realistic view enables the infant to define his own identity and gender identity and to "go out to the world". Partly abandoning mother is the key to an independent exploration of the world, to personal autonomy and to a strong sense of self. Resolving the sexual complex and the resulting conflict of being attracted to a forbidden figure - is the second, determining, step. The (male) child must realize that his mother is "off limits" to him sexually (and emotionally, or psychosexually) and that she "belongs" to his father. He must thereafter choose to imitate his father in order to win, in the future, someone like his mother. This is an oversimplified description of the very intricate psychodynamic processes involved - but this, still, is the gist of it all. The third (and final) stage of letting go of the mother should be reached during the delicate period of adolescence. The person then seriously ventures out and, finally, builds and secures his own universe, replete and complete with a new "mother-lover". If any of these phases is thwarted - the process of differentiation is not successfully completed, no autonomy or coherent self is achieved and dependence and "infantilism" characterize the person.
What determines the success or failure of these developments in one's personal history? Mostly, the mother herself. If she does not "let go" - the child will not go. If the mother herself is the dependent, Narcissistic type - the growth prospects of the child are, indeed, dim.
There are numerous mechanisms, which mothers use to ensure the continued presence and emotional dependence of their offspring (of both sexes).
The mother can cast herself in the role of the eternal victim, a sacrificial figure, who dedicated her life to the child (with the implicit or explicit proviso of reciprocity: that the child will dedicate his life to her). Another strategy is to treat the child as an extension of the mother or, conversely, to treat herself as an extension of the child. Yet another tactic is to create a situation of "follies a deux" (the mother and child united against external threats), or an atmosphere suffused with sexual and erotic insinuations, leading to an illicit psychosexual bonding between mother and child. In the latter case, the adult's ability to interact with members of the opposite sex is gravely impaired and the mother is perceived as envious of any feminine influence other than hers. The mother will criticize the women in her offspring's life pretending to do so in order to protect him from dangerous liaisons or from ones which are "beneath him" ("you deserve more"). Other mothers exaggerate their neediness: they emphasize their financial dependence and lack of resources, their health problems, their emotional barrenness without the soothing presence of the child, their need to be protected against this or that (mostly imaginary) enemy. The latter tactic is a pernicious variant of the guilt-related species. Guilt is a prime mover in the perverted relationships of such mothers and their children.
''V. The Dynamics of Narcissism - Primitive Defence Mechanisms''
"When the habitual narcissistic gratifications that come from being adored, given special treatment, and admiring the self are threatened, the results may be depression, hypochondriasis, anxiety, shame, self destructiveness, or rage directed toward any other person who can be blamed for the troubled situation. The child can learn to avoid these painful emotional states by acquiring a narcissistic mode of information processing. Such learning may be by trial-and-error methods, or it may be internalized by identification with parental modes of dealing with stressful information." (Jon Mardi Horowitz - "Stress Response Syndromes: PTSD, Grief, and Adjustment Disorders", Third Edition)
Narcissism is fundamentally an advanced version of the splitting defense mechanism. The Narcissist cannot regard humans, situations, entities (political parties, countries, races, his workplace) as a compound of good and bad elements. He is an "all or nothing" primitive "machine" (a common self metaphor among narcissists). He either idealizes his object - or devalues it. The object is either all good or all bad. The bad attributes are always projected, displaced, or otherwise externalized. The good ones are internalized in order to support the inflated ("grandiose") self-concepts of the narcissist and his grandiose fantasies - and to avoid the pain of deflation and disillusionment. The Narcissist's earnestness and his (apparent) sincerity make people wonder whether he is simply detached from reality, unable to appraise it properly - or willingly and knowingly distorts reality and reinterprets it, subjecting it to his self-imposed censorship. It would seem that the Narcissist is dimly aware of the implausibility of his own constructions. He has not lost touch with reality. He is just less scrupulous in reshaping it, remolding its curvatures and ignoring the uncomfortable angles.
"The disguises are accomplished by shifting meanings and using exaggeration and minimization of bits of reality as a nidus for fantasy elaboration. The narcissistic personality is especially vulnerable to regression to damaged or defective self-concepts on the occasions of loss of those who have functioned as self-objects. When the individual is faced with such stress events as criticism, withdrawal of praise, or humiliation, the information involved may be denied, disavowed, negated, or shifted in meaning to prevent a reactive state of rage, depression, or shame." (Jon Mardi Horowitz - ibid)
The second mechanism which the narcissist employes is the active pursuit of "Narcisstic Supply". The Narcissist actively seeks to furnish himself with an endless supply of admiration, adulation, affirmation and attention.As opposed to common opinion (which infiltrated literature) - the narcissist is content to have ANY kind of attention. If fame cannot be had - infamy and notoriety will do. The narcissist is obsessed with the obtaining of narcissistic supply, he is addicted to it. His behavior in its pursuit is impulsive.
"The hazard is not simply guilt because ideals have not been met. Rather, any loss of a good and coherent self-feeling is associated with intensely experienced emotions such as shame and depression, plus an anguished sense of helplessness and disorientation. To prevent this state, the narcissistic personality slides the meanings of events in order to place the self in a better light. What is good is labeled as being of the self (internalized) Those qualities that are undesirable are excluded from the self by denial of their existence, disavowal of related attitudes, externalization, and negation of recent self-expressions. Persons who function as accessories to the self may also be idealized by exaggeration of their attributes. Those who counter the self are depreciated; ambiguous attributions of blame and a tendency to self-righteous rage states are a conspicuous aspect of this pattern.
Such fluid shifts in meanings permit the narcissistic personality to maintain apparent logical consistency while minimizing evil or weakness and exaggerating innocence or control. As part of these maneuvers, the narcissistic personality may assume attitudes of contemptuous superiority toward others, emotional coldness, or even desperately charming approaches to idealized figures." (Jon Mardi Horwitz, ibid)
''VI. Narcissism - Freud versus Jung''
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) is credited with the promulgation and presentation of a first coherent theory of narcissism. He described transitions from subject-directed libido to object-directed libido through the intermediation and agency of the parents. To be healthy and functional, the transitions must be smooth and unperturbed. Neuroses are the results of such perturbations.
Freud conceived of each stage as the default (or fallback) of the next one. Thus, if a child reaches out to his objects of desire and fails to attract their love and attention - the child will regress to the previous phase, to the narcissistic phase. The first occurrence of narcissism is adaptive. It "trains" the child to love an object. It ensures gratification through availability, predictability and permanence. But regressing to "secondary narcissism" is mal-adaptive. It is an indication of failure to direct the libido to the "right" targets (to objects, such as the child's parents).
If this pattern of regression persists and prevails, a "narcissistic neurosis" is formed. The narcissist stimulates his self habitually in order to derive pleasure and gratification. He prefers this mode of deriving gratification to others. He is "lazy" because he takes the "easy" route of resorting to his self and reinvesting his libidinal resources "in-house" rather than making an effort (and risking failure) to seek out libidinal objects other than his self. The narcissist prefers fantasyland to reality, grandiose self-conception to realistic appraisal, masturbation and sexual fantasies to mature adult sex and daydreaming to real life achievements.
Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) had a mental picture of the psyche as a giant warehouse of archetypes (the conscious representations of adaptive behaviors). Fantasies to him were just a way of accessing these archetypes and releasing them. Almost ex definitio, regression cannot be entertained by Jungian psychology. Any reversion to earlier phases of mental life, to earlier coping strategies, to earlier choices - in other words, any default - is interpreted as simply the psyche's way of using yet another, hitherto untapped, adaptation strategy. Regressions are compensatory processes intended to enhance adaptation and not methods of obtaining or securing a steady flow of gratification.
Actually, there is little difference between Freud and his disciple turned-heretic, Jung. They seem to be sparring in a linguistic field. In other words, it is a matter of semantics. When libido investment in objects (esp. the Primary Object) fails to produce gratification, maladaptation results. This is dangerous. A default option is activated: secondary narcissism. This default enhances adaptation, it is functional and adaptive and triggers adaptive behaviors. As a by-product, it secures gratification. We are gratified when we are at peace with our model of our environment. We are at such peace when we exert reasonable control over our environment, i.e., when our behaviors are adaptive. The compensatory process has TWO results: enhanced adaptation and inevitable gratification.
Perhaps the more serious division between them is with regards to introversion. Freud regards introversion as an instrument in the service of a pathology (introversion is indispensable to narcissism, as opposed to extroversion which is a necessary condition for libidinal object-orientation).
As opposed to Freud, Jung regards introversion as a useful tool in the service of the endless psychic quest for adaptation strategies (narcissism being one such strategy). The Jungian adaptation repertoire does not discriminate against narcissism. To Jung it is as legitimate a choice as any. But even Jung acknowledged that the very need to look for a new adaptation strategy means that adaptation has failed. In other words, the search itself is indicative of a pathological state of affairs. It does seem that introversion per se IS NOT pathological (because no psychological mechanism is pathological PER SE). Only the use made of it CAN be pathological. One would tend to agree with Freud, though, that when introversion becomes a permanent feature of the psychic landscape of a person - it facilitates pathological narcissism.
Jung distinguished introverts (those who habitually concentrate on their selves rather than on outside objects) from extroverts (the convese preference). Not only was introversion a totally normal and natural function in childhood, it remains normal and natural even if it predominates the mental life.
Yet, the habitual and predominant focussing of attention upon one's self, to the exclusion of others is THE definition of pathological narcissism. What differentiates the pathological from the normal is degree. Pathological narcissism is ex-clusive and all-pervasive. Other forms of narcissism are not. So, although there is no healthy state of habitual, predominant introversion, it remains a question of form and degree of introversion. Often a healthy, adaptive mechanism goes awry. When it does, as Jung himself recognized, neuroses form. Freud regards Narcissism as a POINT while Jung regards it as a CONTINUUM (from health to sickness).
''VII. Narcissism - Kohut's Approach''
In a way, Heinz Kohut took Jung a step further. He said that pathological narcissism is not the result of excessive narcissism, libido or aggression. It is the result of defective, deformed or incomplete narcissistic (self) structures. Kohut postulated the existence of core constructs which he named: the Grandiose Exhibitionistic Self and the Idealized Parent Imago (see below). Children entertain notions of greatness (primitive or naive grandiosity) mingled with magical thinking, feelings of omnipotence and omniscience and a belief in their immunity to the consequences of their actions. These elements and the child's feelings regarding its parents (which are also painted by it with a brush of omnipotence and grandiosity) - coagulate and form these constructs.
The child's feelings towards its parents are reactions to their responses (affirmation, buffering, modulation or disapproval, punisment, even abuse). These responses help maintain the self-structures. Without the appropriate responses, grandiosity, for instance, cannot be transformed into adult ambitions and ideals.
To Kohut, grandiosity and idealization were positive childhood development mechanisms. Even their reappearance in transference should not be considered a pathological narcissistic regression.
In his "Chicago Lectures 1972-1976" he says:
"You see, the actual issue is really a simple one . . . a simple change in classical [Freudian] theory, which states that auto-erotism develops into narcissism and that narcissism develops into object love . . . there is a contrast and opposition between narcissism and object love. The[forward] movement toward maturation was toward object love. The movement from object love toward narcissism is a [backward]regressive movement toward a fixation point. To my mind [this] viewpoint is a theory built into a nonscientific value judgment . . . that has nothing to do with developmental psychology [pp.277-278].
Kohut's contention is nothing less than revolutionary. He says that narcissism (subject-love) and object-love coexist and interact throughout life. True, they wear different guises with age and maturation - but they always cohabitate.
Kohut: "It is not that the self-experiences are given up and replaced by... a more mature or developmentally more advanced experience of objects."
This dichotomy inevitably led to to a dichotomy of disorders. Kohut agreed with Freud that neuroses are conglomerates of defence mechanisms, formations, symptoms, and unconscious conflicts. He even did not object to identifying unresolved Oedipal conflicts (ungratified unconscious wishes and their objects) as the root of neuroses. But he identified a whole new class of disorders: the self-disorders. These were the result of the perturbed development of narcissism.
It was not a cosmetic or superficial distinction. Self disorders were the results of childhood traumas very much different to Freud's Oedipal, castration and other conflicts and fears. These are the traumas of the child either not being "seen" (an existence, a presence which are not affirmed by objects, especially the Primary Objects, the parents) - or being regarded as an object for gratification or abuse. Such children develop to become adults who are not sure that they do exist (lack a sense of self-continuity) or that they are worth anything (lack of self-worth, or self-esteem). They suffer depressions, as neurotics do. But the source of these depressions is existential (a gnawing sensation of emptiness) as opposed to the "guilty-conscious" depressions of neurotics.
Such depressions: "... are interrupted by rages because things are not going their way, because responses are not forthcoming in the way they expected and needed. Some of them may even search for conflict to relieve the pain and intense suffering of the poorly established self, the pain of the discontinuous, fragmenting, undercathected self of the child not seen or responded to as a unit of its own, not recognized as an independent self who wants to feel like somebody, who wants to go its own way (see Lecture 22). They are individuals whose disorders can be understood and treated only by taking into consideration the formative experiences in childhood of the total body-mind-self and its self-object environment - for instance, the experiences of joy of the total self feeling confirmed, which leads to pride, self-esteem, zest, and initiative; or the experiences of shame,loss of vitality, deadness, and depression of the self who does not have the feeling of being included, welcomed, and enjoyed." (From: The Preface to the "Chicago Lectures 1972-1976 of H. Kohut, by: Paul and Marian Tolpin)
One note: "Constructs" or "Structures" are permanent psychological patterns. This is not to say that they do not change - rather, that they are capable only of slow change. Kohut and his Self-psychology disciples believed that the only viable constructs are comprised of self-selfobject experiences and that these structures are lifelong ones. Melanie Klein belived more in archaic drives, splitting defenses and archaic internal objects and part objects. Winnicott (and Balint and other, mainly British researchers) as well as other ego-psychologists thought that only infantile drive wishes and hallucinated oneness with archaic objects qualify as structures.
''VIII. Narcissism - Karen Horney's Contributions''
Horney is one of the precursors of the "Object Relations" school of psychodynamics. She said that personality was shaped mostly by environmental issues, social or cultural. She believed that relationships with other humans in one's childhood determine both the shape and functioning of one's personality. She expanded the psychoanalytic repertoire. She added needs to drives. Where Freud believed in the exclusivity of the sex drive as an agent of transformation (later he added other drives) - Horney believed that people (children) needed to feel secure, to be loved, protected, emotionally nourished and so on. She believed that the satisfaction of these needs or their frustration early in chlildhood were as important a determinant as any drive. Society was introduced through the parental door. Biology converged with social injunction to yield human values such the nurturance of children.
Horney's great contribution was the concept of anxiety. Freudian anxiety was a rather primitive mechanism, a reaction to imaginary threats arising from early childhood sexual conflicts. Horney argued convincingly that anxiety is a primary reaction to the very dependence of the child on adults for his survival. Children are uncertain (of love, protection, nourishment, nurturance) - so they become anxious. Defenses are developed to compensate for the intolerable and gradual realization that adults are human: capricious, arbitrary, unpredictable, non-dependable. Defenses provide both satisfaction and a sense of security. The problem still exists, even as the anxiety does, but they are "one stage removed". When the defenses are attacked or perceived to be attacked (such as in therapy) - anxiety is reawakened.
Karen B. Wallant in "Treating Addictions and the Alienated Self":
"The capacity to be alone develops out of the baby's ability to hold onto the internalization of his mother, even during her absences. It is not just an image of mother that he retains but also her loving devotion to him. Thus, when alone, he can feel confident and secure as he continues to infuse himself with her love. The addict has had so few loving attachments in his life that when alone he is returned to his detached, alienated self. This feeling-state can be compared to a young child's fear of monsters without a powerful other to help him, the monsters continue live somewhere within child or his environment. It is not uncommon for patients be found on either side of an attachment pendulum. invariably easier handle whom transference erupts in idealizing phase than those who view therapist as and distrusted intruder."
So, the child learns to sacrifice a part of his autonomy, of WHO is is, in order to feel secure. Horney identified three NEUROTIC strategies: submission, aggression and detachment. The choice of strategy determines the type of personality, or rather of NEUROTIC personality. The submissive (or compliant) type is fake. He hides aggression beneath the facade of friendliness. The aggressive type is fake as well: at heart he is submissive. The detached neurotic withdraws from people. This cannot be considered an adaptive strategy.
Horney's is an optimistic outlook.Because she believes biology is only ONE of the forces shaping our adulthood - culture and society being the predominant ones - she believes in reversibility and in the power of insight to heal. She believes that if an adult were to understand his problem (his anxiety) - he would be able to eliminate it altogether. Other theoreticians are much more pessimistic and deteriministic. They think that childhood trauma and abuse are pretty much impossible to reprogramm, let alone erase. Modern brain research tends both to support this sad view - and to offer some hope. The brain seems to be plastic. It is physically impressed with abuse and trauma. But no one knows when this "window of plasticity" shuts. It is conceivable that this plasticity continues well into adulthood and that later "reprogramming" (by loving, caring, compassionate and empathic experiences) can remold the brain permanently. Yet others believe that the patient has to accept his disorder as a given and work AROUND it rather than attack it directly. Our disorders were adaptive and helped us to function. Their removal may not always be wise or necessary to attain a full and satisfactory life. additionally, we should not all conform to a mold and experience life the same. Idiosyncracies are a good thing, both on the individual level and on the level of the species.
''IX. The Issue of Separation and Individuation''
It is by no means universally accepted that children go through a phase of separation from their parents and through the consequent individuation. Most psychodynamic theories (especially Klein, Mahler) are virtually constructed upon this foundation. The child is considered to be merged with his parents until it differentiates itself (through object-relations). But researchers like Daniel Stern dispute this hypothesis. Based on many studies it appears that what seems intuitively right is not necessarily right. In "The Interpersonal World of the Infant" (1985) Stern seems to, inadvertently, support Kohut by concluding that children possess selves and are separated from their caregivers from the very start. In effect, he says that the picture of the child, as depicted by psychodynamic theories, is influenced by the way adults see children and childhood in retrospect. Adult disorders (for instance, the pathological need to merge) are attributed to children and to childhood.
This view is in stark contrast to the belief that children will accept any kind of parents (even abusive) because they depend on them for their self-definition. Attachment to and dependence on significant others is the result of the non-separateness of the child, go the classical psychodynamic/object-relations theories. The Self is a construct (within a social context, some add), an assimilation of the oft-imitated and idealized parents plus the internalization of the way others perceive the child within social interactions. The self is, therefore, an internalized reflection, an immitation, a series of internalized idealizations. This sounds close to pathological narcissism. Perhaps pathological narcissism is really a matter of quantity rather than of quality.
''X. Childhood Traumas and the Development of the Narcissistic Personality''
Traumas are inevitable. They are an inseparable part of life. But in early childhood - especially in the formative years of infancy (ages 0 to 4 years) they acquire an ominous aura, an evil, irreversible meaning. No matter how innocuous the event and the surrounding circumstances the child's vivid imagination is likely to embed it in the framework of a highly idiosyncratic horror story.
Parents sometimes have to go away due to medical or economic conditions. They may be too preoocupied to stay attuned at all times to the child's emotional needs. The family unit itself may be disintegrating with looming divorce or separation. The values of the parent may stand in radical contrast to those of society.
To adults, such traumas are very different to abuse. Verbal and psychological-emotional abuse or neglect are judged by us to be more serious "offenses". But this distinction is lost on the child. To him, all traumas are of equal standing, though their severity may differ together with the permanence of their emotional outcomes. Moreover, such abuse and neglect could well be the result of circumstances beyond the abusive or negligent parent's control. A parent can be physically or mentally handicapped, for instance. But the child cannot see this as a mitigating circumstance because he cannot appreciate it or even plainly understand the causal linkage.
Advertisement
Where even the child itself can tell the difference is with physical and sexual abuse. Here is a cooperative effort at concealment, strong emotions of shame and guilt, repressed to the point of producing anxiety and "neurosis". Sometimes the child perceives even the injustice of the situation, though it rarely dares to express its views, lest it be abandoned by its abusers. This type of trauma which involves the child actively or passively is qualitatively different and is bound to yield long term effects such as dissociation or severe personality disorders. These are violent, active traumas, not traumas by default and the reaction is bound to be violent and active. The child becomes a reflection of its dysfunctional family - it represses emotions, denies reality, resorts to violence and escapism, disintegrates.
One of the coping strategies is to withdraw inwards, to seek gratification from a secure, reliable and permanently-available source: from the Self. The child, fearful of further rejection and abuse, refrains from further interaction. Instead, it builds its own kingdom of grandiose fantasies wherein it is always loved and self-sufficient. This is the narcissistic strategy which leads to the development of a narcissistic personality.
''XI. The Dyfunctional Family''
The family is the mainspring of support of every kind. It mobilizes psychological resources and alleviates emotional burdens. It allows for the sharing of tasks, provides material supplies coupled with cognitive training. It is the prime socialization agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful and adaptive.
This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to development and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, in a functional family, that he can share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that he is likely to get will be open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (because it is consistent with constant outside feedback) is the set of beliefs, values and goals that will finally be internalized via imitation and unconscious identification. So, the family is the first and the most important source of identity and of emotional support. It is a greenhouse wherein a child feels loved, accepted and secured - the prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the family should provide the basic necessities (and, preferably, beyond), physical care and protection and refuge and shelter during crises.
The role of the mother (the Primary Object) has been often discussed and dissected. The father's part is mostly neglected, even in professional literature. However, recent research demonstrates his importance to the orderly and healthy development of the child.
He participates in the day to day care, is an intellectual catalyst, who encourages the child to develop his interests and to satisfy his curiosity through the manipulation of various instruments and games. He is a source of authority and discipline, a boundary setter, enforcing and encouraging positive behaviours and eliminating negative ones. He also provides emotional support and economic security, thus stabilizing the family unit. Finally, he is the prime source of masculine orientation and identification to the male child - and gives warmth and love as a male to his daughter, without exceeding the socially permissible limits.
We can safely say that the Narcissist's family is as severely disturbed as he is. He is nothing but a reflection of its dysfunction. One or more (usually, many more) of the functions aforementioned are improperly carried out. The narcissist is the "emergent" pathology of his family, he embodies this pathology.
In a dysfunctional family, two important mechanisms operate:
First, the mechanism of self-deception: "I do have a relationship with my parents. It is my fault - the fault of my emotions, sensations, aggressions and passions - that this relationship is not working. It is, therefore, my responsibility to make amends. I will write a play in which I am both loved and punished. In this play, I will allocate roles to myself and to my parents. This way, everything will be fine and we will all be happy."
Second is the mechanism of over-valuation and devaluation. The dual roles of sadist and punished masochist (Superego and Ego in the psychoanalytic model), parent and child - permeate, then invade and then pervade all the interactions that a Narcissist has with his fellow humans. He experiences a reversal of roles as his relationships progress.
At the beginning of every relationship he is the child in need of attention, approval and admiration. He becomes dependent.
Then, at the first sign of disapproval (real or imaginary), he is revealed as an avowed sadist, punishing and inflicting pain.
''XII. Narcissism - Otto Kernberg''
Another school of psychology is represented by Otto Kernberg (1975, 1984, 1987).
Kernberg is a senior member of the "Object Relations" school in Psychology (Kohut, Kernberg, Klein, Winnicott).
Kernberg disagrees with Freud. He regards the division between an Object Libido (=energy directed at Objects, people in the immediate vicinity of the infant and who are meaningful to him) and a Narcissistic Libido (=energy directed at the Self as the most immediate and satisfying Object), which precedes it - as artificial.
Whether a Child develops a normal or a pathological form of Narcissism depends on the relations between the representations of the Self (=roughly, the image of the Self that he forms in his mind) and the representations of Objects (=roughly, the images of the Objects that he forms in his mind, based on all the information available to him, including emotional data). It is also dependent on the relationship between the representations of the Self and real, external, "objective" Objects. Add to this instinctual conflicts related both to the Libido and to aggression (these very strong emotions give rise to strong conflicts in the child) and a comprehensive explanation concerning the formation of pathological Narcissism emerges.
Kernberg's concept of Self is closely related to Freud's concept of Ego. The Self is dependent upon the unconscious, which exerts a constant influence on all mental functions. Pathological Narcissism, therefore, reflects a libidinal investment in a pathologically structured Self and not in a normal, integrative structure of the Self. The Narcissist suffers from a Self, which is devalued or fixated on aggression.
All object relations of such a Self are distorted: it detaches these relations from the real Objects (because they often hurt), it dissociates, represses, or projects them unto other objects. Narcissism is not merely a fixation on an early developmental stage. It is not confined to the failure to develop intra-psychic structures. It is an active, libidinal investment in a deformed structure of the Self.
''XIII. The Narcissist and his Family - An Integrative Framework''
"For very young children, self-esteem is probably best thought to consist of deep feelings of being loved, accepted, and valued by significant others rather than of feelings derived from evaluating oneself against some external criteria, as in the case of older children. Indeed, the only criterion appropriate for accepting and loving a newborn or infant is that he or she has been born. The unconditional love and acceptance experienced in the first year or two of life lay the foundation for later self-esteem, and probably make it possible for the preschooler and older child to withstand occasional criticism and negative evaluations that usually accompany socialization into the larger community.
As children grow beyond the preschool years, the larger society imposes criteria and conditions upon love and acceptance. If the very early feelings of love and acceptance are deep enough, the child can most likely weather the rebuffs and scoldings of the later years without undue debilitation. With increasing age, however, children begin to internalize criteria of self-worth and a sense of the standards to be attained on the criteria from the larger community they observe and in which they are beginning to participate. The issue of criteria of self-esteem is examined more closely below.
Cassidy's (1988) study of the relationship between self-esteem at age five and six years and the quality of early mother-child attachment supports Bowlby's theory that construction of the self is derived from early daily experience with attachment figures. The results of the study support Bowlby's conception of the process through which continuity in development occurs, and of the way early child-mother attachment continues to influence the child's conception and estimation of the self across many years. The working models of the self derived from early mother-child inter-action organize and help mold the child's environment "by seeking particular kinds of people and by eliciting particular behavior from them" (Cassidy, 1988, p. 133). Cassidy points out that very young children have few means of learning about themselves other than through experience with attachment figures. She suggests that if infants are valued and given comfort when required, they come to feel valuable; conversely, if they are neglected or rejected, they come to feel worthless and of little value.
In an examination of developmental considerations, Bednar, Wells, and Peterson (1989) suggest that feelings of competence and the self-esteem associated with them are enhanced in children when their parents provide an optimum mixture of acceptance, affection, rational limits and controls, and high expectations. In a similar way, teachers are likely to engender positive feelings when they provide such a combination of acceptance, limits, and meaningful and realistic expectations concerning behavior and effort (Lamborn et al., 1991). Similarly, teachers can provide contexts for such an optimum mixture of acceptance, limits, and meaningful effort in the course of project work as described by Katz and Chard (1989)." (Distinctions between Self-Esteem and Narcissism: Implications for Practice - ERIC database)
Kohut, as we said, regarded Narcissism as the final product of the failing efforts of parents to cope with the needs of the child to idealize and to be grandiose (for instance, to be omnipotent).
Idealization is an important developmental path leading to Narcissism. The child merges the idealized aspects of the images of the parent (Imago in Kohut's terminology) with those parts of the image of the parent which are cathected (infused) with object libido (=in which the child invests the energy that he reserves to Objects). This exerts a great and important influence on the re-internalization processes (=the processes in which the child re-introduced the Objects and their images into his mind) which are right for each of the successive phases.
Through these processes, two permanent nuclei of the personality are constructed:
* a. The basic, neutralizing texture of the psyche
* b. The ideal Superego
Both of them are characterized by an invested instinctual Narcissistic cathexis (=invested energy of self-love which is instinctual in its nature).
At first, the child idealizes his parents. As he grows, he begins to notice their shortcomings and vices. He withdraws part of the idealizing libido from the images of the parents, which is conducive to the natural development of the Superego. The Narcissistic sector in the child's psyche remains vulnerable throughout its development. This is largely true until the Child re-internalizes the ideal parent image. Also, the very construction of the mental apparatus can be tampered with by traumatic deficiencies and by object losses right through the Oedipal period (and even in latency and in adolescence).
The same effect can be attributed to traumatic disappointment by objects.
Disturbances leading to the formation of NPD can be thus grouped thus:
1. Very early disturbances in the relationship with an ideal object. These lead to structural weakness of the personality which develops a deficient and/or dysfunctional stimuli filtering mechanism. The ability of the individual to maintain a basic Narcissistic homeostasis of the personality is damaged. Such a person will suffer from diffusive Narcissistic vulnerability.
2. A disturbance occurring later in life - but still pre-Oedipally - will effect the pre-Oedipal formation of the basic fabric of the control, channeling and neutralizing of drives and urges. The nature of the disturbance has to be a traumatic encounter with the ideal object (such as a major disappointment). The symptomatic manifestation of this structural defect is the propensity to re - sexualize drive derivatives and internal and external conflicts either in the form of fantasies or in the form of deviant acts.
3. A disturbance formed in the Oedipal or even in the early latent phases - inhibits the completion of the Superego idealization. This is especially true of a disappointment related to an ideal object of the late Pre-Oedipal and the Oedipal stages, where the partly idealized external parallel of the newly internalized object is traumatically destroyed.
Such a person will possess a set of values and standards - but he will forever look for ideal external figures from whom he will aspire to derive the affirmation and the leadership that his insufficiently idealized Superego cannot supply.
Everyone agrees that a loss (real or perceived) at a critical junction in the psychological development of the Child - forces him to refer to himself for nurturing and for gratification. The Child ceases to trust others and his ability to develop object love or to idealize is hampered. He is constantly shadowed by the feeling that only he can satisfy his emotional needs and he regards.
The Narcissist is born into a dysfunctional family. It is characterized by massive denials, both internal ("you do not have a real problem, you are only pretending") and external ("you must never tell the secrets of the family to anyone"). The whole family unit suffers from an affective dysfunction. It leads to affective and other personality disorders displayed by all the members of the family and ranging from obsessive - compulsive disorders to hypochondriasis and depression. Such families are reclusive and autarkic. They actively reject and encourage the rejection of social contacts.
This inevitably leads to defective or partial socialization and differentiation and to problems with sexual identity.
This attitude is sometimes applied even to other members of the extended family. The nuclear family feels emotionally or financially deprived or threatened by them. It reacts with envy, rejection, self-isolation and rage.
Constant aggression and violence are permanent features of such families. The violence can be from verbal (degradation, humiliation) and up to severe cases of psychological, physical and sexual abuse.
Trying to rationalize and intellectualize its unique position and to justify it, the family resorts to emphasizing logic, cost effectiveness, and calculations of feasibility. It is a transactional approach to life and it regards knowledge as an expression of superiority and as an advantage. These families encourage excellence - mainly cerebral and academic - but only as means to an end. The end is usually highly Narcissistic ("to be famous/rich/to live well, etc.").
Some Narcissists react by creatively escaping into rich, imagined worlds in which they exercise total physical and emotional control over their environment. But all of them react by diverting libido, which should have been object-oriented to their own Self.
The source of all the Narcissist's problems is the foreboding sensation that human relationships invariably end in humiliation, betrayal and abandonment. This belief is embedded in them during their very early childhood by their parents and by their experiences with peers.
But the Narcissist always generalizes. To him, any emotional interaction and any interaction with an emotional component is bound to end this way. Getting attached to a place, a job, an asset, an idea, an initiative, a business, or a pleasure is bound to end as badly as getting attached to a human being. This is why the Narcissist avoids intimacy, real friendships, love, other emotions, commitment, attachment, dedication, perseverance, planning, emotional or other investment. Narcissists are unable to empathize and have little morale or conscience (which are only meaningful if there is a future to consider). They never develop a sense of security, or pleasure.
The Narcissist emotionally invests only in things which he feels that he is in full, unmitigated control of: himself and, at times, not even that.
''XIV. Narcissism - Cultural Considerations''
The ethnopsychologist George Devereux ("Basic Problems of Ethnopsychiatry", University of Chicago Press, 1980) suggested to divide the unconscious into the id (the part that was always instinctual and unconscious) and the "ethnic unconscious" (repressed material that was once conscious). The latter includes all our defence mechanisms and most of the superego. Culture dictates what is to be repressed. Mental illness is either idiosyncratic (cultural directives are not followed and the individual is unique and schizophrenic) - or conformist, abiding by the cultural dictates of what is allowed and disallowed.
Our culture, according to Christopher Lasch teaches us to withdraw into ourselves when we are confronted with stressful situations. It is a vicious circle. One of the main stressors of modern society is alienation and a pervasive sense of isolation. The solution our culture offers us - to further withdraw - only exacerbates the problem.
Richard Sennett expounded on this theme in "The Fall of Public Man: On the Social Psychology of Capitalism" (Vintage Books, 1978). One of the chapters in Devereux's aforementioned tome is entitled "Schizophrenia: An Ethnic Psychosis, or Schizophrenia without Tears". To him, the whole USA is afflicted by what came later to be called a "schizoid disorder". C. Fred Alford (in "Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School, and Psychoanalytic Theory", Yale University Press, 1988) enumerates the symptoms:
"...withdrawal, emotional aloofness, hyporeactivity (emotional flatness), sex without emotional involvement, segmentation and partial involvement (lack of interest and commitment to things outside oneself), fixation on oral-stage issues, regression, infantilism and depersonalization. These, of course, are many of the same designations that Lasch employs to describe the culture of narcissism. Thus, it appears, that it is not misleading to equate narcissism with schizoid disorder." (page 19).
''XV. Narcissism and Schizoid Disorders - Melanie Klein''
The first to seriously consider the similarity between Narcissistic and Schizoid pathologies was Melanie Klein. She broke with Freud in that she believed that we are born with a fragile, easily fragmentable, weak and unintegrated ego. The most primordial human fear is the fear of disintegration (death), according to Klein. Thus, the infant is forced to employ primitive defence mechanisms such as splitting, projection and introjection to cope with this fear (actually, with the result of aggression generated by the ego). The ego splits and projects this part (death, disintegration, aggression). It does the same with the life-related, constructive, integrative part of itself. The result of all these dynamics is to view the world as either "good" (satisfying, complying, responding, gratifying) - or bad (frustrating). Klein called it the good and the bad "breasts". The child then proceeds to introject (internalize and assimilate) the good object while keeping out (=defending against) the bad objects. The good object becomes the nucleus of the forming ego. The bad object is felt as fragmented. But it is not gone, it is there.
This (the fact that the bad object is "out there", persecutory, threatening) - gives rise to the first schizoid defence mechanisms, foremost amongst them the mechanism of "projective identification" (so often employed by Narcissists). The infant projects parts of himself (his organs, his behaviours, his traits) unto the bad object. This is the Kleinian "paranoid-schizoid position". The ego is split. This is terrifying but it allows the baby to make a clear distinction between the "good object" (inside him) and the "bad object" (out there, split from him). If this phase is not transcended the individual develops schizophrenia and a fragmentation of the self.
Around the third or fourth month of life, the infant realizes that the good and the bad objects are really facets of one and the same object. He develops the depressive position. This depression (Klein believes that the two positions continue throughout life) is a reaction of fear and anxiety. The infant feels guilty (at his own rage), anxious (lest his aggression harm the object and eliminate the source of good things). He experiences loss (of his own omnipotence since the object is outside his self). The infant wishes to erase the results of his own aggression by "making the object whole again". By recognizing the wholeness of other objects - the infant comes to realize and to experience his own wholeness. The ego re-integrates.
But the transition from the paranoid-schizoid position to the depressive one is by no means smooth and assured. Excess anxiety and envy can delay it or prevent it altogether. Envy seeks to destroy all good objects, so that others don't have them. It, therefore, hinders the split between the good and the bad "breasts". Envy destroys the good object but leaves the persecutory , bad object intact. Moreover, it does not allow the re-integration ("reparation" in the Kleinian term) to take place. The more whole the object - the greater the envy. Thus, envy feeds on its own outcomes. The more envy, the less integrated the ego is, the weaker and inadequate it is - the more reason for envying the good object and other people. Envy is the hallmark of narcissism and the prime source of what is known as narcissistic rage. The schizoid self - fragmented, weak, primitive - is intimately connected with narcissism through envy. Narcissists prefer to destroy themselves and to deny themselves - rather than to endure someone else's happiness, wholeness and "triumph". They will fail an exam - to frustrate a teacher they adore and envy. They will fail in therapy -not to give the therapist a reason to feel professionally satisfied. By failing and self-destructing, narcissists deny the worth of others. If the narcissist fails in therapy - his analyst must be inept. If he destroys himself by consuming drugs - his parents are blameworthy and should feel guilty (bad). One cannot exaggerate the importance of envy as a motivating power in the narcissist's life.
The psychodynamic connection is obvious. Envy is a rage reaction at not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they DO control, possess and engulf the good object. This is what we call "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience)". But, in doing so, the narcissist MUST deny the existence of ANY good outside himself. The narcissist defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the ONLY good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the narcissist and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy. In order not to be "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self destruction in the hands of his own envy) - the narcissist reduces others to "non-entities" or avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).
The suppression of envy is at the CORE of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the ONLY good object in the universe - he is exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than he - he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully. If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the narcissist - he threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the narcissist can possess the good object (the narcissist himself). Only the narcissist can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to ANYTHING, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their envy.
There is nothing new in trying to link narcissism to schizophrenia. Freud did as much in his "On Narcissism" (1914). Klein's contribution was the introduction of immediately post-natal internal objects. Schizophrenia, she proposed, was a narcissistic and intense relationship with internal objects (such as fantasies or images, including fantasies of grandeur). It was a new language. Freud suggested a transition from (primary, object-less) narcissism (self directed libido) to "objects relations" (objects directed libido). Klein suggested a transition from internal objects to external ones. While Freud thought that the common denominator of narcissism and schizoid phenomena was a withdrawal of libido from the world - Klein suggested it was a fixation on an early phase of relating to internal objects.
But is the difference not merely a question of terminology?
"The term 'narcissism' tends to be employed diagnostically by those proclaiming loyalty to the drive model (Otto Kernberg and Edith Jacobson, for instance - SV) and mixed model theorists (Kohut), who are interested in preserving a tie to drive theory. 'Schizoid' tends to be employed diagnostically by adherents of relational models (Fairbairn, Guntrip), who are interested in articulating their break with drive theory... These two differing diagnoses and accompanying formulations are applied to patients who are essentially similar, by theorists who start with very different conceptual premises and ideological affiliations." (Greenberg and Mitchell - "Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory" - Harvard University Press - 1983)
Klein, in effect, said that drives (e.g., the libido) are relational flows. A drive is the way a relationship between an individual and his objects (internal and external) is. Thus, a retreat from the world (Freud) into internal objects (object relations theorists and especially the British school of Fairbairn and Guntrip) - IS the drive itself. Drives are orientations (to external or internal objects). Narcissism is an orientation (a preference, we could say) to internal objects - the very definition of schizoid phenomena. This is why narcissists feel empty, fragmented, "unreal" (movie-like) and diffuse. It is because their ego is still split (never integrated) and because they withdrew from the world (of external objects). Kernberg identifies these internal objects with which the narcissist maintains a special relationship with the idealized, grandiose images of the narcissist's parents. He believes that the narcissist's very ego (self-representation) fused with these parental images.
Fairbairn's work - even more than Kernberg's, not to mention Kohut's - integrates all these insights into a coherent framework. Guntrip elaborated on it and together they created one of the most impressive theoretical bodies in the history of psychology.
W. R. D. Fairbairn internalized Klein's insights that drives are object-orientated and their goal is the formation of relationships and not primarily the attainment of pleasure. Pleasurable sensations are the means to achieve relationships. The ego does not look to be stimulated and pleased but to find the right "good", supporting object. The infant is fused with his primary object, the mother. Life is not about using objects for pleasure under the supervision of the ego and superego, as Freud postulated. Life is about separating, differentiating, achieving independence from the Primary Object and the initial state of fusion with it. Dependence on internal objects is narcissism. Freud's post-narcissistic (anaclitic) phase of life can be either dependent (immature) or mature.
The new-born's ego is looking for objects with which to form relationships with. Inevitably, some of these objects and some of these relationships frustrate the infant and disappoint him. He compensates for these setbacks by creating compensatory internal objects. The initially unitary ego thus fragments into a growing group of internal objects. Reality breaks our hearts and minds, according to Fairbairn. The ego and its objects are "twinned" and the ego is split in three (Harry Guntrip added a fourth ego). A schizoid state ensues.
The "original" (Freudian or libidinal) ego is unitary, instinctual, needy and object seeking. It then fragments as a result of the three typical interactions with the mother (gratification, disappointment and deprivation). The Central Ego idealizes the "good" parents. It is conformist and obedient. The Antilibidinal Ego is a reaction to frustrations. It is rejecting, harsh, unsatisfying, against natural needs. The Libidinal Ego is the seat of cravings, desires and needs. It is active in that it keeps seeking objects to form relationships with. Guntrip added the Regressed Ego which is the "True Self" in "cold storage"; the "lost heart of the personal self".
Advertisement
Fairbairn's definition of psychopathology is quantitative. Which part of the ego is dedicated to relationships with internal objects rather than with external ones (e.g., real people)? In other words: how Fragmented (=how schizoid) is the ego?
To achieve a successful transition from internal objects to external ones - the child needs the right parents (in Winnicott parlance, the "good enough mother" - not the perfect, but the "good enough"). The child internalizes the bad aspects of his parents in the form of internal, bad objects and then proceeds to suppress them, together ('twinned") with portions of his ego. Thus, his parents become PART of the child (though a repressed one). The more bad objects are repressed, the "less ego is left" for healthy relationships with external objects. To Fairbairn, the source of all psychological disturbances is in these schizoid phenomena. Later developments (such as the Oedipus Complex) are less crucial. Fairbairn and Guntrip think that if a person is too attached to his compensatory internal object - he will find it hard to mature psychologically. Maturing is about letting go of internal objects. Some people just don't want to mature, or are reluctant to do so, or are ambivalent about it. This reluctance, this withdrawal to an internal world of representations, internal objects and broken ego - is narcissism itself. Narcissists simply don't know how to be themselves, how to acquire independence and, simultaneously manage their relationships with other people.
Both Otto Kernberg and Heinz Kohut agreed that narcissism is between neuroses and psychoses. Kernberg thought that it was a borderline phenomenon, on the verge of psychosis (where the ego is completely shattered). In this respect, Kernberg identifies narcissism with schizoid phenomena and with schizophrenia more than Kohut did. This is not the only difference between them. They also disagree on the developmental locus of narcissism. Kohut thinks that narcissism is an early phase of development, fossilized, forever to be repeated (a massive repetition complex) while Kernberg maintains that the narcissistic self is pathological from its very inception. Kohut believes that the narcissist's parents provided him with no assurances that he does possess a self (in his words, with no selfobject). They did not explicitly recognize the child's nascent self, its separate existence, its boundaries. The child learned to have a schizoid, split, fragmented self - rather than a coherent and integrated one. To him, narcissism is really all-pervasive, at the very core of being (whether in its mature form, as self-love, or in it regressive, infantile form as a narcissistic disorder).
Kernberg regards "mature narcissism" (also espoused by neo-Freudians like Grunberger and Chasseguet-Smirgel) as a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron. He observes that narcissists are already grandiose and schizoid (detached, cold, aloof, asocial) at an early age (at three years old, according to him!). Like Klein, Kernberg believes that narcissism is a last ditch effort (defence) to halt the emergence of the paranoid-schizoid position described by Klein. In an adult such an emergence is known as "psychosis" and this is why Kernberg classifies narcissists as borderline (almost) psychotics. Even Kohut, who is an opponent of Kernberg's classification, uses Eugene O'Neill's famous sentence (in "The Great God Brown"): "Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue." Kernberg himself sees a clear connection between schizoid phenomena (such as alienation in modern society and subsequent withdrawal) and narcissistic phenomena (inability to form relationships or to make commitments or to empathize).
C. Fred Alford in "Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and psychoanalytic Theory":
"Fairbairn and Guntrip represent the purest expression of object relations theory, which is characterized by the insight that real relationships with real people build psychic structure. Although they rarely mention narcissism, they see a schizoid split in the self as characteristic of virtually all emotional disorder. It is Greenberg and Mitchell, in Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory who establish the relevance of Fairbairn and Guntrip... by pointing out that what American analysts label 'narcissism', British analysts tend to call 'schizoid personality disorder'. This insight allows us to connect the symptomatology of narcissism - feelings of emptiness, unreality, alienation and emotional withdrawal - with a theory that sees such symptoms as an accurate reflection of the experience of being split off from a part of oneself. That narcissism is such a confusing category is in large part because its drive-theoretic definition, the libidinal cathexis of the self - in a word, self-love - seems far removed from the experience of narcissism, as characterized by a loss of, or split in, the self. Fairbairn's and Guntrip's view of narcissism as an excessive attachment of the ego to internal objects (roughly analogous to Freud's narcissistic, as opposed to object, love), resulting in various splits in the ego necessary to maintain these attachments, allows us to penetrate this confusion" (page 67).
''XVI. Narcissism, Aggression, Anger and Narcissistic Rage''
Anger is a compounded phenomenon. It has dispositional properties, expressive and motivational components, situational and individual variations, cognitive and excitatory interdependent manifestations and psychophysiological (especially neuroendocrine) aspects. From the psychobiological point of view, it probably had its survival utility in early evolution, but it seems to have lost a lot of it in modern societies. Actually, in most cases it is counterproductive, even dangerous. Dysfunctional anger is known to have pathogenic effects (mostly cardiovascular).
Most Personality Disordered people are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that people suffering from personality disorders are in a CONSTANT state of anger, which is effectively suppressed most of the time. It manifests itself only when the person's defenses are down, incapacitated, or adversely affected by circumstances, inner or external.
The person thus affected was, usually, unable to express anger and direct it at "forbidden" targets in his early, formative years (his parents, in most cases). The anger, however, was a justified reaction to abuses and mistreatment. The patient was, therefore, left to nurture a sense of profound injustice and frustrated rage.
Healthy people experience anger, but as a transitory state. This is what sets the Personality Disordered apart: their anger is always acute, permanently present, often suppressed or repressed. Healthy anger has an external inducing agent (a reason). It is directed at this agent (coherence). Pathological anger is neither coherent, not externally induced. It emanates from the inside and it is diffuse, directed at the "world" and at "injustice" in general. The personality disordered person is able to identify the IMMEDIATE cause of the anger. Still, upon closer scrutiny, the cause is found lacking and the anger excessive, disproportionate and incoherent. It might be more accurate to say that the Personality Disordered is expressing (and experiencing) TWO layers of anger, simultaneously and always. The first layer, the superficial anger, is indeed directed at an identified target, the alleged cause of the eruption. The second layer, however, is anger directed at himself. The patient is angry at himself for being unable to vent off normal anger, normally. He often says that he feels like a miscreant. He hates and loathes himself. This second layer of anger also comprises strong and easily identifiable elements of frustration, irritation and annoyance.
While normal anger generates action regarding its source (or at least the planning or contemplation of such action) - pathological anger is mostly directed at oneself or even lacks direction altogether ("diffuse anger"). The Personality Disordered are afraid to show that they are angry to signifi cant others because they are afraid to lose them. The Borderline Personality Disordered is terrified of being abandoned, the Narcissist (NPD) needs his Narcissistic supply sources, the Paranoid - his persecutors and so on. These people prefer to direct their anger at people who are insignificant to them, people whose withdrawal will not constitute a threat to their precariously balanced personality. They will yell at a waitress, shout at a taxi driver, or explode at an underling. Alternatively, they will sulk, feel anhedonic or pathologically bored, drink or do drugs - all forms of self-directed aggression. From time to time, no longer able to pretend and to suppress, they have it out with the real source of their anger. They rage. They shout incoherently, make absurd accusations, distort facts, pronounce allegations and suspicions. These episodes are followed by periods of saccharine sweetness and excessive flattering and submissiveness towards the victim of the latest rage attack. These pendulum-like emotional swings make life with the Personality Disordered difficult.
Anger in healthy persons is diminished through action. It is an aversive, unpleasant emotion. It is intended to generate action in order to eradicate this uncomfortable sensation. It is coupled with physiological arousal. But it is not clear whether action diminishes anger or anger is used up in action. Similarly, it is not clear whether the consciousness of anger is dependent on a stream of cognition expressed in words? Do we become angry because we say that we are angry (=we identify the anger and capture it) - or do we say that we are angry because we are angry to begin with?
Anger is induced by numerous factors. It is almost a universal reaction. Threats to one's welfare (physical, emotional, social, financial, or mental) is met with anger. But so are threats to one's affiliates, nearest, dearest, nation, favorite football club, pet and so on. The territory of anger is enlarged to include not only the person - but all his real and perceived environment, human and non-human. This does not sound like a very adaptive strategy. Moreover, threats are not the only situations met with anger. Anger is the reaction to injustice (perceived injustice, it does not have to be real), to disagreements, to inconvenience. But the two sources of anger are threat (a disagreement is potentially threatening) and injustice (inconvenience is injustice inflicted on the angry person by the world).
These are also the two sources of personality disorders. The Personality Disordered is molded by recurrent and frequent injustice and he is constantly threatened both by his internal and by his external universes. No wonder that there is a close affinity between the Personality Disordered and the acutely angry person.
And, as opposed to common opinion, the angry person becomes angry whether he believes that what was done to him was deliberate or not. If we lose a precious manuscript, we are bound to become angry at ourselves, though no intent was involved. If his home is devastated by an earthquake - a person will surely rage, though no conscious mind was at work. When we perceive an injustice in the distribution of incentives or wealth or love - we become angry because of moral reasoning, whether the injustice was deliberately applied or not. We retaliate and we punish as a result of our ability to morally reason, to get even. Sometimes even moral reasoning is lacking, as in when we simply wish to alleviate our anger.
The Personality Disordered suppresses the anger, but he has no effective mechanisms of redirecting it in order to correct the inducing conditions. His hostile expressions are not constructive - they are destructive because they are diffuse, excessive and, therefore, unclear. He does not lash out at people in order to restore his lost esteem, his prestige, his sense of power and control over his life, to recover emotionally, or to restore his well being. He rages because he cannot help it and is in a self destructive and self-loathing mode. His anger does not contain a signal, which could alter his environment in general and the behaviour of those around him, in particular. His anger is primitive, maladaptive, pent up.
Anger is a primitive, limbic emotion. Its excitatory components and patterns are shared with sexual excitation and with fear. It is cognition that guides our behaviour, aimed at avoiding harm and aversion or at minimizing them. Our cognition is in charge of attaining certain kinds of mental gratification. A prognosis, a prediction regarding the future values of the relief-gratification versus repercussions (reward to risk) ratio- these can be obtained only with the use of cognitive tools. Anger is evoked by aversive treatment, deliberately or unintentionally inflicted. Such treatment must violate either prevailing conventions regarding social interactions or some otherwise deeply ingrained sense of what is fair and what is just. The judgement of fairness or justice (namely, the appraisal of the extent of compliance with conventions of social exchange) - is also cognitive.
The angry person and the Personality Disordered both suffer from a cognitive deficit. They are unable to conceptualize, to design effective strategies and to execute them. They dedicate all their attention to the immediate and ignore the future consequences of their actions. In other words, their attention and information processing faculties are distorted, skewed in favor of the here and now, biased on both the intake and the output. Time is "relativistically dilated" - the present feels more protracted, "longer" than any future. Immediate facts and actions are judged more relevant and weighted more heavily than any remote aversive conditions. Anger impairs cognition.
The angry person is a worried person. The Personality Disordered is also excessively preoccupied with himself. Worry and anger are the cornerstones of the edifice of anxiety. This is where the knot is finally tied: people become angry because they are excessively concerned with bad things which might happen to them. Anger is a result of anxiety (or, when the anger is not acute, of fear).
The striking similarity between anger and personality disorders is the deterioration of the faculty of empathy. Angry people cannot empathize. Actually, "counter-empathy" develops in a state of acute anger. All mitigating circumstances related to the source of the anger - will be taken as meaning to devalue and belittle the suffering of the angry person. His anger will thus increase the more mitigating circumstances are brought to his attention. Judgement is altered by anger. Later provocative acts are judged to be more serious - just by "virtue" of their chronological position. All this is very typical of the Personality Disordered. An impairment of the empathic sensitivities is a prime symptom in many of them (in the Narcissistic, Schizoid and Schizotypal Personality Disordered, to mention but three).
Moreover, the aforementioned impairment of judgement (=impairment of the proper functioning of the mechanism of risk assessment) appears in both acute anger and in many personality disorders. The illusion of omnipotence (power) and invulnerability, the partiality of judgement - are typical of both states. Acute anger (rage attacks in personality disorders) is always incommensurate with the magnitude of the source of the emotion and is fuelled by extraneous experiences. An acutely angry person usually reacts to an ACCUMULATION, an amalgamation of aversive experiences, all enhancing each other in vicious feedback loops, many of them not directly related to the cause of the specific anger episode. The angry person may be reacting to stress, agitation, disturbance, drugs, violence or aggression witnessed by him, to social or to national conflict, to elation and even to sexual excitation. The same is true of the Personality Disordered. His inner world is fraught with unpleasant, ego-dystonic, discomfiting, unsettling, worrisome experiences. His external environment - influenced and molded by his distorted personality - is also transformed into a source of aversive, repulsive, or plainly unpleasant experiences. The personality Disordered explodes in rage - because he implodes AND reacts to outside stimuli, simultaneously. Because he is prone to magical thinking and, therefore, regards himself as immune, omnipotent, omniscient and protected from the consequences of his own acts - the Personality Disordered often acts in a self destructive and self defeating manner. The similarities are so numerous and so striking that it seems safe to say that the Personality Disordered is in a constant state of acute anger.
Finally, acutely angry people perceive anger to have been the result of intentional (or circumstantial) provocation with a hostile purpose (by the target of their anger). Their targets, on the other hand, invariably regard them as incoherent people, acting arbitrarily, in an unjustified manner.
----
//Sam Vaknin, Ph.D., Associate Editor, Global Politician
<html>
E-mail : <a href="mailto:palma@unet.com.mk">palma@unet.com.mk</a>
<p><a href="http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/">Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Relationships with Abusive
Narcissists and Psychopaths</a></p>
<p><a href="http://ceeandbalkan.tripod.com/">The Politics and Economies of Countries in Transition</a>
<p><a href="http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/busiweb.html">Internet Matters and Business on the Web</a></p>
<p><a href="http://philosophos.tripod.com/">Philosophical Musings</a></p>
<p><a href="http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/">Short Fiction and Poetry</a></p>
<p><a href="http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/thebook.html">Buy "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and other books about
narcissists and psychopaths</a></p>
<p><a href="http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/links">LearnMore</a></p>
</html>
//
Reference
Vaknin, Sam (2000). A Primer On Narcissism. [Online]
!Coping with (and recovering from) narcissistic abuse
Once one becomes aware that they are in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, they realize they are going to have to cope with the abuser until they can break away and begin their own personal recovery.
[[Surviving the Narcissist]]
[[Divorcing Narcissist]]
[[Paranoid Ex-spouse]]
[[Stalking and Stalkers]]
You may visit the UnderstandingNPD forum [[here|http://www.understandingnpd.org/forum/]].
Our Mission is to expand the public awareness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its effects upon societies. Sam does this primarily through his writings, and I primarily through providing hosting and bandwidth for websites. Occasionally our skill sets overlap.
!Coping with a Paranoid Ex-spouse
By Sam Vaknin
Author of //Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited//
Your abusive ex is likely to cope with the pain and humiliation of separation by spreading lies, distortions, and half-truths about you and by proffering self-justifying interpretations of the events leading to the break-up. By targeting your closest, nearest, and dearest – your family, your children, boss, colleagues, co-workers, neighbours, and friends – your ex hopes to achieve two equally unrealistic goals:
1. To isolate you socially and force you to come running back to his waiting and "loving" arms.
2. To communicate to you that he still "loves" you, is still interested in you and your affairs and that, no matter what, you are inseparable. He magnanimously is willing to forgive all the "horrible things" you did to him and revive the relationship (which, after all, had its good moments).
All abusers present with rigid and infantile (primitive) defence mechanisms: splitting, projection, Projective Identification, denial, intellectualisation, and narcissism. But some abusers go further and decompensate by resorting to self-delusion. Unable to face the dismal failures that they are, they partially withdraws from reality.
How to cope with delusional, paranoid – and, therefore, dangerous – stalkers?
It may be difficult, but turn off your emotions. Abusers prey on other people's empathy, pity, altruism, nostalgia, and tendency to lend a helping hand. Some stalkers "punish" themselves – drink to excess, commit offences and get caught, abuse drugs, have accidents, fall prey to scams – in order to force their victims to pity them and get in touch.
The only viable coping strategy is to ignore your abusive ex. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself and your family. Alert law enforcement agencies to any misbehaviour, violence, or harassment. File charges and have restraining orders issued. But, otherwise, avoid all gratuitous interactions.
* Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
* Do //''NOT''// contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings – but //''NEVER rebel''// against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
* But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all ''gratuitous'' contact with the narcissist.
* Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
* Return all gifts he sends you.
* Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.
* Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
* Do not answer his letters.
* Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
* Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
* Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
* Do not discuss him with your children.
* Do not gossip about him.
* Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
* When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.
* Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
Do not collude or collaborate in your ex's fantasies and delusions. You cannot buy his mercy or his goodwill – he has none. Do not support his notions, even indirectly, that he is brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. Abusers act on these misperceptions and try to coerce you into becoming an integral part of their charades.
Abuse is a criminal offence and, by definition, abusers are criminals: they lack empathy and compassion, have deficient social skills, disregard laws, norms, contracts, and morals. You can't negotiate with your abusive ex and you can't strike a bargain with him. You can't reform, cure, or recondition him. He is a threat to you, to your property, and to your dear ones. Treat him as such.
The most dangerous class of abusers is the paranoid-delusional. If your ex is one of these, he is likely to:
1. Believe that you still love him (erotomania). Interpret everything you do or say – even to third parties – as "hidden messages" addressed to him and professing your undying devotion ([[ideas of reference|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal41.html]]).
2. Confuse the physical with the emotional (regard sex as "proof" of love and be prone to rape you).
3. Blame the failure of the relationship on you or on others – social workers, your friends, your family, your children.
4. Seek to "remove" the obstacles to a "happy" and long relationship – sometimes by resorting to violence (kidnapping or murdering the sources of frustration).
5. Be very envious of your newfound autonomy and try to sabotage it by reasserting his control over you (for instance, break and enter into your house, leave intrusive messages on your answering machine, follow you around and monitor your home from a stationary car).
6. Harm you (and sometimes himself) in a fit of indignation (and to punish you) if he feels that no renewed relationship is possible.
7. Develop persecutory delusions. Perceive slights and insults where none are intended. Become convinced that he is the centre of a conspiracy to deny him (and you) happiness, to humiliate him, punish him, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimise or even murder him, and so on.
The paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no "typical scenario". But experience shows that you can minimise the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some simple steps.
If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and your new life. You may have to make painful sacrifices, such as minimize contact with your family and friends.
Even with all these precautions, your abusive ex is likely to find you, furious that you have fled and evaded him, raging at your newfound existence, suspicious and resentful of your freedom and personal autonomy. [[Violence|http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html]] is more than likely. Unless deterred, paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful, even lethal.
Be prepared: alert your local law enforcement officers, check out your neighbourhood domestic violence shelter, consider owning a gun for self-defence (or, at the very least, a stun gun or mustard spray). Carry these with you at all times. Keep them close by and accessible even when you are asleep or in the bathroom.
Erotomanic stalking can last many years. Do not let down your guard even if you haven't heard from him. Stalkers leave traces. They tend, for instance, to "scout" the territory before they make their move. A typical stalker invades his or her victim's privacy a few times long before the crucial and injurious encounter.
Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading your e-mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away? Any signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder (or too much order)? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the envelopes opened and then sealed? Mysterious phone calls abruptly disconnected when you pick up? Your stalker must have dropped by and is monitoring you.
Notice any unusual pattern, any strange event, any weird occurrence. Someone is driving by your house morning and evening? A new "gardener" or maintenance man came by in your absence? Someone is making enquiries about you and your family? Maybe it's time to move on.
Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies often strike where it hurts most - at one's kids. Explain the danger without being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults they can trust - and your abusive former spouse, whom they should avoid.
Ignore your gut reactions and impulses. Sometimes, the stress is so onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back at the stalker. Don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better at it than you are and is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force of the law whenever you get the chance to do so: restraining orders, spells in jail, and frequent visits from the police tend to check the abuser's violent and intrusive conduct.
The other behavioural extreme is equally futile and counterproductive. Do not try to buy peace by appeasing your abuser. Submissiveness and attempts to reason with him only whet the stalker's appetite. He regards both as contemptible weaknesses, vulnerabilities he can exploit. You cannot communicate with a paranoid because he is likely to distort everything you say to support his [[persecutory delusions|http://samvak.tripod.com/case05.html]], [[sense of entitlement|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal10.html]], and [[grandiose fantasies|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq3.html]]. You cannot appeal to his emotions - he has none, at least not positive ones.
Remember: your abusive and paranoid former [[partner blames it all on you|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq21.html]]. As far as he is concerned, you recklessly and unscrupulously wrecked a wonderful thing you both had going. He is vengeful, seething, and prone to bouts of uncontrolled and extreme aggression. Don't listen to those who tell you to "take it easy". Hundreds of thousands of women paid with their lives for heeding this advice. Your paranoid stalker is inordinately dangerous - and, more likely than not, he is with you for a long time to come.
!!ARTICLES
What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
Toxic Relationships Study Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/
Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive
http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse
Open Site Family Violence
http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/
RicFrye = Ric Frye, owner of [[GorgeAccess.Net|http://gorgeaccss.net/]] //webhosting from Ekone, the Land of the Good Spirit
Author Bio
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of //Malignant
Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited// and //After the Rain - How the West Lost the
East//, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology,
relationships, philosophy, economics, and international affairs.
He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, Global Politician,
PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International
(UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and
Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101 and is
currently the Associate Editor of Globalpolitician.com.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
E-mail: palma@unet.com.mk
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Q&A regarding relationships with abusive narcissists
http://samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder at a Glance
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html
How to Cope with Your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
ARTICLES
What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
Toxic Relationships Study Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/
Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive
http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse
Open Site Family Violence
http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/
''News about the [[Understanding NPD site|http://gorgeaccess.net/npd/]] at GorgeAccess.Net.''
----
//16 Jan, 2011// - Our little [[news site|http://gorgeaccess.net/npd/]] has now spawned a new domain! The domain http://www.understandingnpd.org has no home page as yet, but it has a [[start|http://www.understandingnpd.org/forum/index.php]]!
... coping with (and recovering from) narcissistic abuse
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
!Coping with Stalking and Stalkers
By Sam Vaknin
Author of //Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited//
''A Typology of Stalkers''
Stalkers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths, others are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an admixture of these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun (these are latent sadists), or because they can't help it (clinging or co-dependent behaviour), or for a myriad different reasons.
Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only denominator common to all bullying stalkers is their pent-up rage. The stalker is angry at his or her targets and hates them. He perceives his victims as unnecessarily and churlishly frustrating. The aim of stalking is to "educate" the victim and to punish her.
Hence the catch-22 of [[coping with stalkers|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html]]:
The standard – and good – advice is to avoid all contact with your stalker, to ignore him, even as you take precautions. But being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration. The more he feels sidelined and stonewalled, the more persistent he becomes, the more intrusive and the more aggressive.
It is essential, therefore, to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with.
(1) ''The [[Erotomaniac|http://samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.html]]''
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you and that, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the feeling is reciprocal (you are in love with him). He interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as [[coded messages|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal41.html]] confessing your eternal devotion to him and to your "relationship". Erotomaniacs are lonely, socially-inapt people. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) – or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers).
''Best coping strategy''
Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from [[ideas of reference|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal41.html]]. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his "loved one". Avoid contact – do not talk to him, return his gifts unopened, refuse to discuss him with others, delete his correspondence.
(2) ''The [[Narcissist|http://samvak.tripod.com/1.html]]''
Feels [[entitled|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal10.html]] to your time, attention, admiration, and resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained [[rage|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq73.html]] and [[vindictiveness|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]]. Can turn [[violent|http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html]] because he feels omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions.
''Best [[coping strategy|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]]''
Make clear that you want no further contact with him and that this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him that you hold him responsible for his stalking, bullying, and harassment and that you will take all necessary steps to protect yourself. Narcissists are cowards and [[easily intimidated|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html]]. Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so can move on with ease.
(3) ''The Paranoid''
By far the most dangerous the lot. Lives in an inaccessible world of his own making. Cannot be reasoned with or cajoled. Thrives on threats, anxiety, and fear. Distorts every communication to feed his [[persecutory delusions|http://samvak.tripod.com/case05.html]].
From the article "[[Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex|http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html]]":
''"The paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no 'typical scenario'. But experience shows that you can minimise the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some basic steps.
If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number, email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and your new life. You may have to make painful sacrifices, such as minimise contact with your family and friends.
Even with all these precautions, your abusive ex is likely to find you, furious that you have fled and evaded him, raging at your newfound existence, suspicious and resentful of your freedom and personal autonomy. [[Violence|http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html]] is more than likely. Unless deterred, paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful, even lethal.
Be prepared: alert your local law enforcement officers, check out your neighbourhood domestic violence shelter, consider owning a gun for self-defence (or, at the very least, a stun gun or mustard spray). Carry these with you at all times. Keep them close by and accessible even when you are asleep or in the bathroom.
Erotomanic stalking can last many years. Do not let down your guard even if you haven't heard from him. Stalkers leave traces. They tend, for instance, to 'scout' the territory before they make their move. A typical stalker invades his or her victim's privacy a few times long before the crucial and injurious encounter.
Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading your e-mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away? Any signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder (or too much order)? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the envelopes opened and then sealed? Mysterious phone calls abruptly disconnected when you pick up? Your stalker must have dropped by and is monitoring you.
Notice any unusual pattern, any strange event, any weird occurrence. Someone is driving by your house morning and evening? A new 'gardener' or maintenance man came by in your absence? Someone is making enquiries about you and your family? Maybe it's time to move on.
Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies often strike where it hurts most – at one's kids. Explain the danger without being unduly alarming. Make a distinction between adults they can trust – and your abusive former spouse, whom they should avoid.
Ignore your gut reactions and impulses. Sometimes, the stress is so onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back at the stalker. Don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better at it than you are and is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force of the law whenever you get the chance to do so: restraining orders, spells in jail, and frequent visits from the police tend to check the abuser's violent and intrusive conduct.
The other behavioural extreme is equally futile and counterproductive. Do not try to buy peace by appeasing your abuser. Submissiveness and attempts to reason with him only whet the stalker's appetite. He regards both as contemptible weaknesses, vulnerabilities he can exploit. You cannot communicate with a paranoid because he is likely to distort everything you say to support his persecutory delusions, sense of entitlement, and grandiose fantasies. You cannot appeal to his emotions – he has none, at least not positive ones.
Remember: your abusive and paranoid former partner blames it all on you. As far as he is concerned, you recklessly and unscrupulously wrecked a wonderful thing you both had going. He is vengeful, seething, and prone to bouts of uncontrolled and extreme aggression. Don't listen to those who tell you to 'take it easy'. Hundreds of thousands of women paid with their lives for heeding this advice. Your paranoid stalker is inordinately dangerous – and, more likely than not, he is with you for a long time to come."''
(4) ''The [[Antisocial (Psychopath)|http://open-site.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Antisocial/]]''
Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is a calculating machine, out to maximise his gratification and personal profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic – but understand well and instantly the language of carrots and sticks.
''Best coping strategy''
Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly. Do not threaten him. Simply, be unequivocal about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten you. Give him a choice between being left alone and becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders, and worse. Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him only in public places.
----
''[[The Erotomaniac|http://samvak.tripod.com/lovepathology.html]]''
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands "on your behalf", talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.
The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him – or her – "love" means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.
Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.
Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated – in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as [[coded messages|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal41.html]] confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your "relationship".
Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, [[schizoid|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq67.html]], and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) – or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.
Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously [[vindictive|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]], out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration – you. When the "relationship" looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.
''Best coping strategy''
Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from [[ideas of reference|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal41.html]]. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his "loved one".
Follow these behaviour tips – the No Contact Policy:
* With the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts – decline any and all //''GRATUITOUS''// contact with your stalker;
* Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages;
* Return all gifts he sends you;
* Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom;
* Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him;
* Do not answer his letters;
* Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies;
* Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties;
* Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest;
* Do not discuss him with your children;
* Do not gossip about him;
* Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need;
* When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his;
* Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
----
''[[The Narcissist|http://samvak.tripod.com/npdglance.html]]''
Feels [[entitled|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal10.html]] to your time, attention, admiration, and resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained [[rage|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq73.html]] and [[vindictiveness|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]]. Can turn [[violent|http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html]] because he feels omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions.
''Best [[coping strategy|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]]''
Make clear that you want no further contact with him and that this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him that you hold him responsible for his stalking, bullying, and harassment and that you will take all necessary steps to protect yourself. Narcissists are cowards and [[easily intimidated|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html]]. Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so can move on with ease.
''Other coping strategies''
''I. Frighten Him''
Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone else is precisely like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared, labile, and unpredictable. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If sufficiently deterred – the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he fought for and sometimes makes amends.
To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them – until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.
Example: If a narcissist has a secret – one should use this fact to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence.
The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor. Let his imagination do the rest.
You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a small child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear.
The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity – there are so many possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, and increasingly, the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain.
Many narcissists have been known to disown and abandon their whole life in response to a well-focused (and impeccably legal) campaign by their victims. They relocate, establish a new family, find another job, abandon a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances, even change their names.
''I want to emphasise that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done the wrong way, they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.''
''II. Lure Him''
Another way to neutralise the narcissist is to offer him continued [[Narcissistic Supply|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html]] until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist immediately becomes docile and tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly re-possesses his "property" and "territory".
Under the influence of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being [[manipulated|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html]]. He is blind, dumb and deaf. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
''III. Threaten Him with Abandonment''
The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will ditch you"). It is sufficient to [[confront|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq73.html]] the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him. The narcissist takes these signs of personal autonomy to be harbinger of impending separation and reacts with anxiety.
The narcissist is a living emotional pendulum. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, if he becomes intimate with someone, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, immediately distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place. This is called the Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex.
In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a [[rage attack|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html]] – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and calm him down instantaneously (and eerily).
Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – do the same, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.
You will find that if you mirror him consistently and constantly, the narcissist becomes obsequious and tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving, fuzzy, engulfing, emotional, maudlin, and saccharine).
''IV. Manipulate Him''
By playing on the narcissist's grandiosity and paranoia, it is possible to deceive and manipulate him effortlessly. Just offer him [[Narcissistic Supply|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html]] – admiration, affirmation, adulation – and he is yours. Harp on his insecurities and his persecutory delusions – and he is likely to trust only you and cling to you for dear life.
But be careful not to overdo it! When asked how is the narcissist likely to react to continued mistreatment, I wrote this in one of my [[Pathological Narcissism FAQs|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html]]:
''"The initial reaction of the narcissist to a perceived humiliation is a conscious rejection of the humiliating input. The narcissist tries to ignore it, talk it out of existence, or belittle its importance. If this crude mechanism of cognitive dissonance fails, the narcissist resorts to denial and repression of the humiliating material. He 'forgets' all about it, gets it out of his mind and, when reminded of it, denies it.
But these are usually merely stopgap measures. The disturbing data is bound to impinge on the narcissist's tormented consciousness. Once aware of its re-emergence, the narcissist uses fantasy to counteract and counterbalance it. He imagines all the horrible things that he would have done (or will do) to the sources of his frustration.
It is through fantasy that the narcissist seeks to redeem his pride and dignity and to re-establish his damaged sense of uniqueness and grandiosity. Paradoxically, the narcissist does not mind being humiliated if this were to make him more unique or to draw more attention to his person.
For instance: if the injustice involved in the process of humiliation is unprecedented, or if the humiliating acts or words place the narcissist in a unique position, or if they transform him into a public figure – the narcissist tries to encourage such behaviours and to elicit them from others.
In this case, he fantasises how he defiantly demeans and debases his opponents by forcing them to behave even more barbarously than before, so that their unjust conduct is universally recognised as such and condemned and the narcissist is publicly vindicated and his self-respect restored. In short: martyrdom is as good a method of obtaining [[Narcissistic Supply|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html]] as any.
Fantasy, though, has its limits and once reached, the narcissist is likely to experience waves of self-hatred and self-loathing, the outcomes of helplessness and of realising the depths of his dependence on Narcissistic Supply. These feelings culminate in severe self-directed aggression: depression, [[destructive, self-defeating behaviours|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq69.html]] or suicidal ideation.
These self-negating reactions, inevitably and naturally, terrify the narcissist. He tries to project them on to his environment. He may decompensate by developing obsessive-compulsive traits or by going through a psychotic microepisode.
At this stage, the narcissist is suddenly besieged by disturbing, uncontrollable violent thoughts. He develops ritualistic reactions to them: a sequence of motions, an act, or obsessive counter-thoughts. Or he might visualise his aggression, or experience auditory hallucinations. Humiliation affects the narcissist this deeply.
Luckily, the process is entirely reversible once Narcissistic Supply is resumed. Almost immediately, the narcissist swings from one pole to another, from being humiliated to being elated, from being put down to being reinstated, from being at the bottom of his own, imagined, pit to occupying the top of his own, imagined, hill."
What if I Want to Continue the Relationship?''
''FIVE DON'T DO'S
How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist''
* Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
* Never offer him any intimacy;
* Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
* Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
* Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don't know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … (perceived as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom) … I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalisation processes were screwed up and they did not differentiate properly)…" You get the gist of it.
''The TEN DO'S
How to Make Your Narcissist Dependent on You
If you INSIST on Staying with Him''
* Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. [[Don't believe a word of it|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal75.html]] but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual;
* Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary [[Narcissistic Supply|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html]] for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case;
* Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking);
* Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition;
* Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. [[Yelling back|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html]] works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the [[silent treatment|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html]] is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion";
* If your narcissist is cerebral and //''NOT''// interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance;
* If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind);
* If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can //''FIX''// the narcissist – it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn – they just simply can't be fixed;
* If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and this is //''VERY IMPORTANT''//, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the [[limitations and benefits of the handicap|http://samvak.tripod.com/journal48.html]] are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them;
* Finally, and most important of all: //''KNOW YOURSELF''//.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A [[co-dependent|http://samvak.tripod.com/faq66.html]] perhaps? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful //''TO YOU''//. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours //''THAT AFFECT YOU''//. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
----
''The Psychopath (Antisocial)''
Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals. This simple truth is often ignored by mental health practitioners, by law enforcement agencies, and by the media. The horrid consequences of stalking are often underestimated and stalkers are mocked as eccentric and lonely weirdoes. Yet, stalking affects one fifth of all women and an unknown number of men – and often ends in violence and bloodshed.
A 1997 Review Paper titled ''"Stalking (Part I) An Overview of the Problem"'', Karen M. Abrams, MD, FRCPC1, Gail Erlick Robinson, MD, DPsych, FRCPC2, define stalking thus:
''"Stalking, or criminal harassment, is defined as the 'wilful, malicious, and repeated following or harassing of another person', usually requiring a 'credible threat of violence' against the victim or the victim's family (1). 'Harass' refers to wilful conduct directed at a person that seriously alarms, annoys, or distresses the person and which serves no legitimate purpose (2). Typically, the behaviour involves such things as loitering near the victim, approaching, making multiple phone calls, constantly surveilling, harassing the victim's employer or children, harming a pet, interfering with personal property, sabotaging dates, and sending threatening or sexually suggestive 'gifts' or letters. The harassment usually escalates, often beginning with phone calls that gradually become more threatening and aggressive in nature, and frequently ends in violent acts (3). In essence, the offender's behaviour is terrorising, intimidating, and threatening, and restricts the freedom of and controls the victim.
In the US, there are individual state laws but no unified federal antistalking laws. Under the Criminal Code of Canada, it is a crime to knowingly or recklessly harass another person in any of the following ways: (1) by repeatedly following or communicating either directly or indirectly with that person or anyone known to them; (2) by watching where that person or anyone known to them resides, works, or happens to be; or (3) by engaging in any threatening conduct directed at that person or his or her family, if any of these cause the person to reasonably fear for his or her safety. In both the US and Canada, antistalking laws are in a state of flux."''
Many criminals suffer from personality disorders – most prevalently, the Antisocial Personality Disorder, formerly known as "psychopathy". Co-morbidity – a "cocktail" of mental health disorders – is frequent. Most stalkers abuse substances (alcohol, drugs) and are prone to violence or other forms of aggression.
APD or AsPD was formerly called "psychopathy" or, more colloquially, "sociopathy". Some scholars, such as Robert Hare, still distinguish psychopathy from mere antisocial behaviour. The disorder appears in early adolescence but criminal behaviour and substance abuse often abate with age, usually by the fourth or fifth decade of life. It may have a genetic or hereditary determinant and afflicts mainly men. The diagnosis is controversial and regarded by some scholar as scientifically unfounded.
Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated and instruments of gratification and utility. They have no discernible conscience, are devoid of empathy and find it difficult to perceive other people's nonverbal cues, needs, emotions, and preferences. Consequently, the psychopath rejects other people's rights and his commensurate obligations. He is impulsive, reckless, irresponsible and unable to postpone gratification. He often rationalises his behaviour showing an utter absence of remorse for hurting or defrauding others.
Their (primitive) defence mechanisms include splitting (they view the world – and people in it – as "all good" or "all evil"), projection (attribute their own shortcomings unto others) and Projective Identification (force others to behave the way they expect them to).
The psychopath fails to comply with social norms. Hence the criminal acts, the deceitfulness and identity theft, the use of aliases, the constant lying, and the conning of even his nearest and dearest for gain or pleasure. Psychopaths are unreliable and do not honour their undertakings, obligations, contracts, and responsibilities. They rarely hold a job for long or repay their debts. They are vindictive, remorseless, ruthless, driven, dangerous, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, prone to magical thinking. They seldom plan for the long and medium terms, believing themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions.
Many psychopaths are outright [[bullies|http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Workplace]]. Michigan psychologist Donald B. Saunders distinguishes between three types of aggressors: "family-only", "generally violent" (most likely to suffer from APD), and the "emotionally volatile". In an interview to [[Psychology Today|http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19920901-000017.html]], he described the "generally Violent" thus:
''"Type 2 men – the generally violent – use violence outside the home as well as in it. Their violence is severe and tied to alcohol; they have high rates of arrest for drunk driving and violence. Most have been abused as children and have rigid attitudes about sex roles. These men, Saunders explains, are calculating; they have a history with the criminal justice system and know what they can get away with."''
Bullies feel inadequate and compensates for it by being violent – verbally, psychologically, or physically. Some bullies suffer from personality and other mental health disorders. They feel entitled to special treatment, seek attention, lack empathy, are rageful and envious, and exploit and then discard their co-workers.
Bullies are insincere, haughty, unreliable, and lack empathy and sensitivity to the emotions, needs, and preferences of others whom they regard and treat as objects or instruments of gratification.
Bullies are ruthless, cold, and have alloplastic defences (and outside locus of control) – they blame others for their failures, defeats, or misfortunes. Bullies have low frustration and tolerance thresholds, get bored and anxious easily, are violently impatient, emotionally labile, unstable, erratic, and untrustworthy. They lack self-discipline, are egotistic, exploitative, rapacious, opportunistic, driven, reckless, and callous.
Bullies are emotionally immature and control freaks. They are consummate liars and deceivingly charming. Bullies dress, talk, and behave normally. Many of them are persuasive, manipulative, or even charismatic. They are socially adept, liked, and often fun to be around and the centre of attention. Only a prolonged and intensive interaction with them – sometimes as a victim – exposes their dysfunctions.
Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is a calculating machine, out to maximise his gratification and personal profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic – but understand well and instantly the language of carrots and sticks.
''Best coping strategy''
* Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly;
* Do not threaten him. Simply, be unequivocal and firm about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or threaten you;
* Give him a choice between being left alone and becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders, and worse;
* Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him accompanied by someone and in public places – and only if you have no other choice;
* Minimise contact and interact with him through professionals (lawyers, accountants, therapists, police officers, judges);
* Document every contact, every conversation, try to commit everything to writing. You may need it as evidence;
* Educate your children to be on their guard and to exercise caution and good judgement;
* Keep fully posted and updated your local law enforcement agencies, your friends, the media, and anyone else who would listen;
* Be careful with your personal information. Provide only the bare and necessary minimum. Remember: he has ways of finding out;
* Under no circumstances succumb to his romantic advances, accept his gifts, respond to personal communications, show interest in his affairs, help him out, or send him messages directly or through third parties. Maintain the No Contact rule;
* Equally, do not seek revenge. Do not provoke him, "punish him", taunt him, disparage him, bad-mouth or gossip about him or your relationship.
''ARTICLES''
What is Abuse? The various faces of abusive behavior and coping methods.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Spousal and Domestic Abuse advice
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
Toxic Relationships Study Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships/
Abusive Relationships Newsletter Archive
http://groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse
Open Site Family Violence
http://open-site.org/Society/Issues/Violence_and_Abuse/Family_Violence/
!THE SPOUSE / MATE OF THE NARCISSIST
''Question:''
//What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a
narcissist?//
''Answer:''
//The Victims//
On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically
"binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial
phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The
narcissist puts on his best face - the other party is blinded by budding
love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the
relationship develops and is put to the test.
Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often
harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore,
the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or, more rarely, he)
is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic
Mate/Partner/Spouse.
First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a
distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound
to abandon the narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is
likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself - while aggrandising
and adoring the narcissist. The partner is, thus, placing himself in the
position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat.
Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial
and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament.
The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to
demand these sacrifices from her partner, being superior in many ways
(intellectually, emotionally, morally, financially).
The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to
punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life with
the narcissist is, as far as the partner is aware, a just punitive measure.
In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By
maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent
upon the source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist most reliably
constitutes and most amply provides) - the partner enhances certain traits
and encourages certain behaviours, which are at the very core of narcissism.
The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available,
self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False
Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the
narcissist (in whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner,
thus finally obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.
It is through self-denial that the partner survives. She denies her wishes,
hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, and
much else besides. She perceives her needs as threatening because they might
engender the wrath of the narcissist's God-like supreme figure. The
narcissist is rendered in her eyes even more superior through and because of
this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to facilitate and ease the life of
a "great man" is more palatable. The "greater" the man (=the narcissist),
the easier it is for the partner to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to
degenerate, to turn into an appendix of the narcissist and, finally, to
become nothing but an extension, to merge with the narcissist to the point
of oblivion and of dim memories of one's self.
The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The narcissist is formed by his
partner inasmuch as he forms her. Submission breeds superiority and
masochism breeds sadism. The relationships are characterised by rampant
emergentism: roles are allocated almost from the start and any deviation
meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction.
The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion. Even the
most basic relationships - with husband, children, or parents - remain
bafflingly obscured by the giant shadow cast by the intensive interaction
with the narcissist. A suspension of judgement is part and parcel of a
suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite to and the result
of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and
right and what is wrong and forbidden.
The narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambience that
led to his own formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness,
arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment. The world
becomes uncertain and frightening and the partner has only one thing to
cling to: the narcissist.
And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be said about
those who emotionally team up with narcissists, it is that they are overtly
and overly dependent.
The partner doesn't know what to do - and this is only too natural in the
mayhem that is the relationship with the narcissist. But the typical partner
also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and
what she wants to become.
These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality,
evaluate and appraise it for what it is. Her primordial sin is that she fell
in love with an image, not with a real person. It is the voiding of the
image that is mourned when the relationship ends.
The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very
emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations
and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts
of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.
The partner is liable to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole
interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper
interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological".
Why is it that the partner seeks to prolong her pain? What is the source and
purpose of this masochistic streak? Upon the break-up of the relationship,
the partner (and the narcissist) engage in a tortuous and drawn out post
mortem. But the question who really did what to whom (and even why) is
irrelevant. What is relevant is to stop mourning oneself (this is what the
parties are really mourning), start smiling again and love in a less
subservient, hopeless, and pain-inflicting manner.
The Abuse
Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality
Disorder.
The narcissist idealises and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his
initial idealisation. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL
narcissists idealise and then devalue. This is THE core of narcissistic
behaviour. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the
"silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.
There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is
tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an
instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy,
to be brutally honest, with a morbid sense of humour, or consistently
tactless - is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are
all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological
abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long.
Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously. They are "stealth
abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
There are three important categories of abuse:
1.. Overt Abuse - The open and explicit abuse of another person.
Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising,
insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"),
devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and
sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
2.. Covert or Controlling Abuse - Narcissism is almost entirely about
control. It is a primitive and immature reaction to the circumstances of a
llife in which the narcissist (usually in his childhood) was rendered
helpless. It is about re-asserting one's identity, re-establishing
predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.
3.. The bulk of narcissistic behaviours can be traced to this panicky
reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Narcissists are
hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose
control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are
obsessive-compulsive in their efforts to subdue their physical habitat and
render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of
"being in touch" - another form of narcissistic control.
But why the panic?
The narcissist is a solipsist. To him, nothing exists except himself.
Meaningful others are his extensions, assimilated by him, internal objects -
not external ones. Thus, losing control of a significant other - is
equivalent losing the use of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the narcissist the realisation
that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the
world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal
representations.
To the narcissist, losing control means going insane. Because other people
are mere elements in the narcissist's mind - being unable to manipulate them
literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find
out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts.
Nightmarish!
Moreover, it is often only through manipulation and extortion that the
narcissist can secure his Narcissistic Supply. Controlling his Sources of
Narcissistic Supply is a (mental) life or death question for the narcissist.
The narcissist is a drug addict (his drug being the NS) and he would go to
any length to obtain the next dose.
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the narcissist
resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here
is a partial list:
Unpredictability
The narcissist acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and
irrationally. This serves to demolish in others their carefully crafted
worldview. They become dependent upon the next twist and turn of the
narcissist, his inexplicable whims, his outbursts, denial, or smiles. In
other words: the narcissist makes sure that HE is the only stable entity in
the lives of others - by shattering the rest of their world through his
seemingly insane behaviour. He guarantees his presence in their lives - by
destabilising them.
In the absence of a self, there are no likes or dislikes, preferences,
predictable behaviour or characteristics. It is not possible to know the
narcissist. There is no one there.
The narcissist was conditioned - from an early age of abuse and trauma - to
expect the unexpected. His was a world in which (sometimes sadistic)
capricious caretakers and peers often behaved arbitrarily. He was trained to
deny his True Self and nurture a False one.
Having invented himself, the narcissist sees no problem in re-inventing that
which he designed in the first place. The narcissist is his own creator.
Hence his grandiosity.
Moreover, the narcissist is a man for all seasons, forever adaptable,
constantly imitating and emulating, a human sponge, a perfect mirror, a
chameleon, a non-entity that is, at the same time, all entities combined.
The narcissist is best described by Heidegger's phrase: "Being and
Nothingness". Into this reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole, the
narcissist attracts the Sources of his Narcissistic Supply.
To an observer, the narcissist appears to be fractured or discontinuous.
Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative Identity
Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder). By definition, the
narcissist has at least two selves, the True and False ones. His personality
is very primitive and disorganised. Living with a narcissist is a nauseating
experience not only because of what he is - but because of what he is NOT.
He is not a fully formed human - but a dizzyingly kaleidoscopic gallery of
ephemeral images, which melt into each other seamlessly. It is incredibly
disorienting.
It is also exceedingly problematic. Promises made by the narcissist are
easily disowned by him. His plans are transient. His emotional ties - a
simulacrum. Most narcissists have one island of stability in their life
(spouse, family, their career, a hobby, their religion, country, or idol) -
pounded by the turbulent currents of a dishevelled existence.
The narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws, regards
consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.
Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and meaningless
activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new beginning, a hunt, a new
cycle of idealisation or devaluation, a newly invented self. There is no
accumulation of credits or goodwill because the narcissist has no past and
no future. He occupies an eternal and timeless present. He is a fossil
caught in the frozen ashes of a volcanic childhood.
What to do?
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections,
preferences, and priorities.
Disproportional Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the narcissist's arsenal is
the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the
slightest slight. He punishes severely for what he perceives to be an
offence against him, no matter how minor. He throws a temper tantrum over
any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or
he may act attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct coupled with an inordinately harsh and
arbitrarily applied "penal code" are both promulgated by the narcissist.
Neediness and dependence on the source of all justice meted - on the
narcissist - are thus guaranteed.
What to do?
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and
capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste
some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying people - the
narcissist attacks the very foundations of the social treaty. This is the
"alien" aspect of narcissists - they may be excellent imitations of fully
formed adults but they are emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature.
This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in
terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely down, that they are the
most susceptible and vulnerable to the narcissist's control. Physical,
psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanisation and
objectification.
What to do?
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends
and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first
transgression.
Abuse of Information
>From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the narcissist
is on the prowl. He collects information with the intention of applying it
later to extract Narcissistic Supply. The more he knows about his potential
Source of Supply - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm,
extort or convert it "to the cause". The narcissist does not hesitate to
abuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the
circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his
armoury.
What to do?
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather
intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and
resolute.
Impossible Situations
The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely and
indispensably needed. The narcissist, his knowledge, his skills or his
traits become the only ones applicable, or the most useful to coping with
these artificial predicaments. It is a form of control by proxy.
What to do?
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no
matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised
of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe
than sorry.
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues, mates,
family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, or the media - in
short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce,
threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and
otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments
exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same
mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job
is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is
inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios involve
embarrassment and humiliation as well as social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even physical punishment). Society, or a social group become
the instruments of the narcissist.
What to do?
Often the abuser's proxies re unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform
them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used
by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into
the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no
acts of traceable or provable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings
of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a
premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting". In the
long-term, such an environment erodes one's sense of self-worth and
self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victims go a
paranoid or schizoid and thus are exposed even more to criticism and
judgement. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally
disordered and the narcissist - the suffering soul.
What to do?
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused
I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion that the
narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call "malignant optimism".
People refuse to believe that some questions are unsolvable, some diseases
incurable, some disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every
fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random occurrence,
utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own pressing need to believe
in the ultimate victory of good over evil, health over sickness, order over
disorder. Life appears otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary.
So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths. This is magical
thinking.
"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only
we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST
be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that
evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently", "God, or a
higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to
our prayers".
The Pollyanna defences of the abused against the emerging and horrible
understanding that humans are specks of dust in a totally indifferent
universe, the playthings of evil and sadistic forces, of which the
narcissist is one. And that finally their pain means nothing to anyone but
themselves. Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.
The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him,
it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses
and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and
abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant
optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at
work to provide it with its arsenal.
ARTICLE 2 of 10
NARCISSISTS, SEX and FIDELITY
Question:
Are narcissists mostly hyperactive or hypoactive sexually and to what extent
are they likely to be infidel in marriage?
Answer:
Broadly speaking, there are two types of narcissists loosely corresponding
to the two categories mentioned in the question. Sex for the narcissist is
an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic
Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's
arsenal - he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist
cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind
of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) - he resorts to sex. He
then become a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex
with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be objects
not of desire - but of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the processes of
successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his
badly needed narcissistic "fix". The narcissist is likely to perfect his
techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art. He
usually exposes this side of him - in great detail - to others, to an
audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration. Because the
Narcissistic Supply in his case resides in the act of conquest and (what he
perceives to be) subordination - the narcissist is forced to move on and to
switch and bewitch partners very often.
Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men - they prefer
virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc. The more "difficult"
the target - the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a narcissist
may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either
immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his
spouse. He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other
sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking
advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be
taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a clear separation exists between
the honest "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and the whores that he is
having sex with. He tends to cast the whole feminine sub-species in a bad
light (with the exception of the meaningful women in his life). His
behaviour, thus, achieves a dual purpose: the securing of Narcissistic
Supply, on the one hand - and bringing about a replay of old, unresolved
conflicts and traumas (abandonment and the Oedipal conflict, to mention but
two). When inevitably abandoned by his spouse - the narcissist is veritably
shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to
psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue
precisely the same path. His abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following
a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation - the narcissist is likely
to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of
hunting.
But there is another type of narcissist. He also has bouts of sexual
hyperactivity in which he trades sexual partners and tends to regard them as
objects. However, with him, this is a secondary behaviour. It appears mainly
after major narcissistic traumas and crises. A painful divorce, a
devastating personal financial upheaval - and this type of narcissist adopts
the view that the "old solutions" do not work anymore. He frantically gropes
and searches for new ways to attract attention, to restore his False Ego
(=his grandiosity) and to secure the subsistence level of Narcissistic
Supply. Sex is handy and is a great source of the right kind of supply:
immediate, interchangeable, comprehensive (it encompasses all the aspects of
the narcissist's being), natural, highly charged, adventurous, pleasurable.
Thus, following a life crisis, the cerebral narcissist is likely to be
deeply involved in sexual activities - very frequently and almost to the
exclusion of other matters.
However, as the memories of the crisis fade, as the narcissistic wounds
heal, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-commences and the balance is restored -
the second type of narcissist reveals his true colours. He abruptly loses
interest in sex and in all his sexual partners. The frequency of his sexual
activities deteriorates from a few times a day - to a few times a year. He
prefers intellectual pursuits, sports, politics, volunteering - anything but
sex. This kind of narcissist is afraid of encounters with the opposite sex
and is even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that he
fancies himself prone to develop following a sexual encounter. In general,
such a narcissist withdraws not only sexually - but also emotionally. If
married - he loses all overt interest in his spouse, sexual or otherwise. He
confines himself to his world and makes sure that he is sufficiently busy to
preclude any interaction with his nearest (and supposedly dearest). He
becomes completely immersed in "big projects", lifelong plans, a vision, or
a cause - all very rewarding narcissistically and all very demanding and
time consuming. He then regards sex as an obligation, a necessity, or a
maintenance operation needed to preserve the comfortable human cell that he
has constructed (his family or household). He does not enjoy sex and by far
prefers to masturbate - or object sex, like going to prostitutes. Actually,
he uses his mate or spouse as an "alibi", a shield against the attention of
other women, an insurance policy which preserves his virile image while
making it socially and morally commendable for him to avoid any intimate or
sexual contact with other women. Even while ignoring women around him (a
form of aggression) he can feel righteous in saying: "I am loyal to my
wife". At the same time, he feels hostility towards her for ostensibly
preventing him from freely expressing himself sexually with others, for
isolating him from carnal pleasures. The thwarted logic goes like this: "I
am married/attached to this woman. Therefore, I am not allowed to be in
touch with other women, which might be interpreted as more than casual or
businesslike. This is why I refrain from having anything to do with women -
because I am loyal, as opposed to most other immoral men. However, I do not
like this situation. I envy my free peers. They can have as much sex and
romance as they want to - while I am confined to this marriage, chained by
my wife, my freedom curbed. I am angry at her and I will punish her by
abstaining from having sex with her." He minimises all types of intercourse
with his close circle (spouse, children, parents, siblings, very intimate
friends): sexual, verbal, or emotional. He limits himself to the rawest
exchanges of information and isolates himself socially. This way he insures
against a future hurt and avoids the intimacy that he so dreads. But, again,
this way he also secures abandonment and the replay of old, unresolved,
conflicts. Finally, he really is left alone by everyone, with no Secondary
Sources of Supply. In his search for them, he again embarks on ego-mending
bouts of sex, followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary
Narcissistic Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in
sexual activity, emotional remoteness and cruel detachment leading to
abandonment.
The second type of narcissist is mostly sexually loyal to his spouse. He
alternates between what appears to be hyper-sexuality and a sexuality
(really, forcefully repressed sexuality). In the second phase, he feels no
sexual urges, bar the most basic. He is, therefore, not compelled to "cheat"
upon his mate, betray her, or violate the marital vows. He is much more
interested in preventing a worrisome dwindling of the kind of Narcissistic
Supply that really matters. Sex, he says to himself, contentedly, is for
those who can do no better.
I am often asked whether narcissists are some variant of exhibitionists.
Somatic narcissists tend to verbal exhibitionism. They tend to brag in
graphic details about their conquests and exploits. In extreme cases, they
might introduce "live witnesses" and revert to total, classical
exhibitionism. This sits well with their tendency to "objectify" their
sexual partners, to engage in emotionally-neutral sex (group sex, for
instance) and to indulge in autoerotic sex. The exhibitionist sees himself
reflected in the eyes of the beholders. This constitutes the main sexual
stimulus, this is what turns him on. This outside "look" is also what
defines the narcissist. There is bound to be a connection. One (the
exhibitionist) may be the culmination, the "pure case" of the other (the
narcissist).
ARTICLE 3 of 10
THE EXTRAMARITAL NARCISSIST
Question:
My husband has a liaison with another woman. He has been diagnosed as
suffering from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What should I do?
Answer:
Narcissists are people who fail to maintain a stable sense of self-worth.
Very often somatic narcissists (narcissistic who use their bodies and their
sexuality as Sources of Narcissistic Supply) tend to get involved in
extra-marital affairs. The new "conquests" sustain their grandiose fantasies
and their distorted and unrealistic self-image. It is, therefore, nigh
impossible to alter this particular behaviour trait in a somatic narcissist.
Sexual interactions serve as a constant, reliable, easy to obtain Source of
Narcissistic Supply. It is the only source of such supply if the narcissist
is not cerebral (=does not rely on his intellect, intelligence, or
professional achievements for Narcissistic Supply).
You should set up rigid, strict and VERY WELL DEFINED rules of engagement.
Ideally, all contacts between your spouse and his lover should be
immediately and irrevocably severed. But this is usually too much to ask
for. So, you should define when is she allowed to call, whether she is
allowed to write to him at all and in which circumstances, what are the
subjects she is allowed to broach in her correspondence and phone calls,
when is he allowed to see her and what other modes of interaction are
permissible. CLEAR AND PAINFUL SANCTIONS must be pre-defined in case the
above rules are violated. Both rules and sanctions MUST BE APPLIED
RIGOROUSLY AND MERCILESSLY and MUST BE SET IN WRITING IN UNEQUIVOCAL
LANGUAGE.
The problem, as I see it, is that the narcissist never really separates from
his Sources of Narcissistic Supply until and unless they cease to be ones.
They never really say good-bye. She is likely to still have an emotional
hold on him. Your husband must first have his day of reckoning. Help him:
tell him what will be the price that he will pay if he does not obey the
rules and sanctions you have agreed on. Tell him that you cannot live like
this any longer. That if he does not get rid of this presence - of the
echoes of his past, really - he will lose his present, he will lose you.
Don't be afraid to lose him. If he prefers this woman to you - it is
important for you to know. If he prefers you to her - your nightmare will be
over.
If you insist on staying on with him - you must also be prepared to serve as
a Source of Narcissistic Supply, an alternative to the supply provided by
his lost lover. You must brace yourself: serving as a Narcissistic Supply
Source is an onerous task, a full time job and a very ungrateful one at
that. The narcissist's thirst for adulation, admiration, worship, approval,
and attention can never by quenched. It is a Sisyphean, mind-numbing effort,
which heralds only additional demands and disgruntled, critical, humiliating
tirades by the narcissist.
That you are afraid to confront reality is clear to me. You are afraid to
set clear alternatives. You are afraid that he will leave you. You are
afraid that he will prefer her to you. AND YOU MAY WELL BE RIGHT. But if
this is the case and you go on living with him and tormenting yourself -
THIS IS PATHOLOGICAL. If you have difficulties confronting the fact that it
is all over between you, that only an empty shell is left, that your husband
is with another woman - do not hesitate to seek help from professionals and
non-professionals alike. But do not let this situation fester into
psychological gangrene. Amputate now while you can.
ARTICLE 4 of 10
MOURNING THE NARCISSIST
Question:
If the narcissist is as abusive as you say - why do we react so badly when
he leaves?
Answer:
At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a
dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an
achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much
more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life:
finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other
words, ideal.
It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with
narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double
realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and
the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable,
dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).
The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process,
often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They
fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total
form of rejection there is.
We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our
loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as
playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the
break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the
relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are
ignored. In short, we feel objectified.
Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It
provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post
traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four
phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.
Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is
still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with
the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him.
Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary
narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures
"his" continued "interest" in them - however malevolent and threatening that
"interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which
border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic
micro-episodes.
More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas
of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be
directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be
"decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of
the narcissist attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions.
This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really
not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or
someone who enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or part of a
dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist
is depicted as obsessed or possessed - imprisoned by his "invented"
condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the
healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of
loss - the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the
suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.
Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few
types of rage. It can be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other
facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific
circumstances. It can be directed at oneself - which often leads to
depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide.
Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such
loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the
whole emotional landscape.
Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an
existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria
(inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia
(inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It
is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in
the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.
This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The
narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake
still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the
narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life
experience, a truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present
and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive
nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its
renewal.
ARTICLE 5 of 10
NARCISSISTS, LOVE and HEALING
Question:
Why does the narcissist react with rage to gestures or statements of love?
Answer:
NOTHING is more hated by a narcissist than this sentence, "I Love You". It
evokes in the narcissist almost primordial reactions. It provokes him to
uncontrollable rage. Why is that?
1.. The narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. Being a
misogynist he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon,
engulfed, digested and excreted. To him love is a dangerous intestinal
tract.
2.. Loving someone means knowing him intimately. The narcissist likes to
think that he is so unique that he cannot be fathomed. The narcissist
believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy.
The narcissist believes that he is ONE of a kind (sui generis). To say to
him "I love you", means to negate this feeling, to try to drag him to the
lowest common denominator, to threaten his sense of uniqueness. After all,
everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest human being,
actually loves. To the narcissist loving is an ANIMALISTIC behaviour -
exactly like sex.
3.. The narcissist knows that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate
hoax, a script, hollow and really non-existent. The person who claims to
love a narcissist is either lying (after all, what is there to love in a
narcissist) - or a dependent creature, blind and immature, unable to discern
the truth. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he selected a
liar or an idiot for a mate. Indirectly, a declaration of love is a
devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgement.
The narcissist hates love - however and wherever it is manifested.
Thus, for instance, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children,
he wishes them all ill. He is so pathologically envious of his spouse that
he wishes she never existed. Being a tad paranoid, he also nurtures the
growing conviction that she is showing her love to her children ON PURPOSE,
to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and
discriminated against. He regards her interaction with their children to be
a provocation, an assault on his emotional welfare (emotional balance).
Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts is the flammable concoction
that bathers the narcissist's brain whenever he sees other people happy.
Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by flooding
him with love, acceptance, compassion and empathy. This is not so. The only
time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist
experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a LIFE crisis.
Forced to shed his malfunctioning defences - an ephemeral window of
vulnerability is formed through which therapeutic intervention can try and
sneak in.
The narcissist perceives love and compassion as Narcissistic Supply. But
this window of opportunity CANNOT COEXIST with Narcissistic Supply. The
narcissist is susceptible to treatment ONLY when his defences are down
because they FAIL to secure a steady stream of Narcissistic Supply.
The roles of Narcissistic Supply should be clearly distinguished from those
of an emotional bond (such as love). Narcissistic Supply has to do with the
functioning of primitive defence mechanisms in the narcissist. The emotional
component of the narcissist has been repressed. It does not permeate the
conscious level. The narcissist pursues Narcissistic Supply as a junkie
seeks drugs.
Junkies can have emotional "bonds" but they are always subordinate to their
habit. Their emotional interactions are the victims of their habits. Ask
children or spouses of alcoholics or drug addicts.
There is no possibility to have any real, meaningful, or lasting emotional
relationship with the narcissist - until his primitive defence mechanisms
are discarded. Dysfunctional interpersonal relationships are one of the
diagnostic criteria of most personality disorders.
So, the right order of healing is:
1.. Cut the narcissist from his Sources of Supply and thus precipitate a
narcissistic crisis or injury;
2.. Utilise the window of opportunity to treat the narcissist, to help him
mature emotionally;
3.. Encourage him in his emotional, self-forming baby steps.
"Emotional" connections which appear to co-exist with the narcissistic
defence mechanisms are part of the narcissistic theatrical repertoire, fake
and doomed.
The narcissist does not employ his defence mechanisms because he needs
them - but because he knows no different.
His defence mechanisms proved useful in his infancy. They were adaptive in
an abusive environment. Old tricks and old habits die hard.
The narcissist is a primitive person with a disorganised personality
[Kernberg]. He may heal simply to avoid the pain of a certain or recurrent
narcissistic injury - and not with the intention of reaching an emotional
"safe harbour". No place is safe. No one is to be trusted. Avoidance of pain
is a powerful manipulative therapeutic tool. Narcissists come to therapy in
the first place to try and alleviate some of what has become an intolerable
pain. None of them goes to therapy because he wants to improve his lot in
life or to better interact with his loving significant other. Love is
important - but to fully enjoy its emotional benefits, first the narcissist
must heal.
ARTICLE 6 of 10
NARCISSISTS and WOMEN
Question:
Do narcissists hate women?
Answer:
Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones
regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to
keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women
as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.
Moreover, many narcissists tend to engage in FRUSTRATING behaviours towards
women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave
them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so on. Often, they
invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse (or boyfriend/etc. -
male and female are interchangeable in my texts) as the "reason" why they
cannot have sex/develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and
fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and
often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.
BUT
This pertains ONLY to cerebral narcissists, but NOT to somatic narcissists
and HPDs (Histrionic Personality Disorder) who use their BODY, sex and
seduction/flirtation to extract Narcissistic Supply from others.
Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere Sources of SNS
(Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman's chores are to accumulate past
NS and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating
flow of primary supply. Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested
in women Most of them are a sexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at
all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really
intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their
level. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt ("How come
I am dependent on this inferior woman") and disdain directed at the woman.
Hence the abuse. When Primary NS is available - the woman is hardly
tolerated, as one would reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy.
The narcissist does regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to be a
Source of Narcissistic Supply.
It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and it allows him
to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviours (=being a narcissist
through others, transforming others into tools at the service of his
narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence
mechanisms such as projective identification. Many of my FAQs and the Essay
are dedicated to these issues.
To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS) is ANY kind of NS provided
by others who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others. Adulation,
attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests - are all forms of
PNS.
Secondary NS (SNS) emanates from people who are in CONSTANT, repetitive or
continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of
narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.
The narcissist believes that being in love IS actually merely going through
the motions. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.
He says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to
ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter
and parasite."
Most male narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped
creations of women. Women gave birth to them and moulded them into what they
are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, and emotionally dead. They are angry at
their mothers and, by extension at all women.
The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered
but it can be summarised using four axes:
1.. The Holy Whore
2.. The Hunter Parasite
3.. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4.. Uniqueness Roles
The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult
to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine
significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy
are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is
reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This division resolves
the narcissist's constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but.", "I don't
need anyone but."). It also legitimises his sadistic urges (abstaining from
sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female
"transgressors"). It also tallies well with the frequent
idealisation-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through. The idealised
females are sexless, the devalued ones - "deserving" of their degradation
(sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.
The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men and that
this is almost a genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened
(as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualisation of the real,
absolutely opposite, state of things: the narcissist feels threatened by
women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with
"objective" qualities which make them, to his mind, ominous. This is a small
detail in a larger canvass of "pathologising" others as a means of
controlling them. According to the narcissist's scenario, once her prey is
secured - the woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She absconds with
the narcissist's sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and
nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to cater
to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put differently, she is a
parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck dry every man she finds
and tarantula-like decapitate him once no longer useful. This, of course, is
exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a
projection.
Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does or
even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in the
narcissist's life. Humbling a woman in acts of faintly sado-masochistic sex
is a way of getting back at mother. But he is frustrated by his inability to
meaningfully interact with them, by their apparent emotional depth and
powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their
sexuality. Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a
threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also
despises and derides sex, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly
intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist
becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some narcissists set out
to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or
they pretend to be a sexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather
cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.
Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the
desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It makes them feel omnipotent
and malevolent. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually - and
significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic
narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. They
masturbate with women as an auxiliary. The emotional background is
identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention - the
somatic narcissist penalises through excess.
The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is
not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful
effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from
others that he IS special - in other words that he IS. Women threaten this
quest. Sex is "bestial" and "common". There is nothing "special or unique"
about sex. Women are perceived by the narcissist to be reducing him to their
level, the level of the lowest common denominator of intimacy, sex and human
emotions. Everybody and anybody can feel, copulate and breed. There is
nothing in these activities to set the narcissist apart and above others.
And yet women seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the
narcissist emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his
mother by other means and in different guises.
The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly.
His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained
abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to disguise, even repress these
untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from
time to time. It is a terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true
narcissist.
To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists are
atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in
an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole
of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. The narcissist
rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates
them because this is his only weapon against the humiliation of their
indifference. Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissist's social circle
dwindles and then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some
extent. A schizoid is not a misanthrope. He does not necessarily hate
people - he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a
nuisance to be minimised.
The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain Narcissistic Supply (from
human beings) - and his fervent wish to be left alone. This wish springs
from contempt and feelings of superiority.
There are fundamental conflicts between dependence and contempt, neediness
and devaluation, seeking and avoiding, turning on the charm to attract
adulation and being engulfed by wrathful reactions to the most minuscule
"provocations". These conflicts lead to rapid cycling between gregariousness
and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.
Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering atmosphere is hardly
conducive to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct. Relationships are
hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches to a sexual co-habitati
on.
But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one hand
of the equation. The other hand is the woman herself.
As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but
simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They
seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the narcissist
probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such simplistic
explanation does the subject great injustice.
Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are
perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the
word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking
empathy, they are unable to offer to the partner emotional sustenance.
Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are they angry
with their parents for crippling them so?
To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no way
they can answer them. Narcissists never love. They do not know what is it
that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the outside, love seems
to them to be a risible pathology. They equate love with weakness. They hate
being weak and they hate and despise weak people (and, therefore, the sick,
the old and the young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be
stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to consist of all three.
These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.
Narcissists are angry men - but not because they never experienced love and
probably never will. They are angry because they are not as powerful, awe
inspiring and successful as they wish they were and, to their mind, deserve
to be. Because their daydreams refuse so stubbornly to come true. Because
they are their worst enemy. And because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they
see adversaries plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and
contemptuously ignored.
Many of them (the borderline narcissists) cannot conceive of a life in one
place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with
one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is death. They are
most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect,
they inject drama into their life, or even danger. This is the only way some
of them can feel alive.
The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to
base a family, or future plans.
The Narcissist and the Opposite Sex
This chapter deals with the male narcissist and with "his" relationships
with "women".
It would be correct to substitute one gender for another. Female narcissists
treat the men in their lives in a manner indistinguishable from the way male
narcissists treat "their" women. I believe that this is the case with same
sex partners.
A good point of departure would be jealousy, or rather, its pathological
form, envy.
When a narcissist becomes aware of how romantically (=possessively) jealous
he is, he usually reacts with anxiety. This is a peculiar response. It is
characteristic of other kinds of interactions with the opposite sex where a
possibility of rejection exists. Normal men are anxious before asking a
woman to have sex with them. With the narcissist, though, the range of
emotional reactions is very limited and underdeveloped.
He reacts with anxiety to any situation in which there is a remote
possibility that he be rejected or abandoned.
Anxiety is an adaptive mechanism. It is the internal reaction to conflict.
When the narcissist envies his female mate he is experiencing an unconscious
conflict.
To start with the object of jealousy is a forbidden one. Jealousy is
(justly) perceived as a form of transformed aggression.
To direct it at the female (=the representation of the primary object, the
Mother) is to direct it at a forbidden object. A feeling of imminent
punishment ensues. The punishment is likely to be in the familiar form of
abandonment (physical or emotional).
But this is the "surface", easy to unearth, conflict. There is yet another
layer, much harder to reach and to decipher.
To feed his envy, the narcissist has to exercise his imagination. He
imagines situations, which would justify his feelings. If his mate is
sexually disloyal or promiscuous this is a good reason to be jealous - he
unconsciously "thinks".
The narcissist is a con artist. He easily substitutes fiction for truth and
vice versa. What commences as an elaborate daydream ends up as a plausible
scenario.
But, then, if his suspicions are true (they are bound to be - otherwise, why
is he jealous?) - there is no way he can accept his partner back. If she is
infidel - how could the relationship continue?
Infidelity and lack of exclusivity violate the first and last commandment of
narcissism: uniqueness.
The narcissist tends to regard infidelity in absolute terms. The "other"
must be better than he, or put differently: more special. Since the
narcissist is nothing but a reflection, a glint in the eyes of others, when
cast aside, he feels totally discarded. His entirety is wrecked. His
partner, in this single (real or imagined) act, is perceived by the
narcissist to have passed judgement upon him as a whole not upon this or
that aspect of his personality and not in connection with the issue of
compatibility.
This negation of his uniqueness makes it impossible for the narcissist to
proceed in a relationship contaminated by jealousy (if this is the form of
aggression he chose). But there is nothing more dreadful to a narcissist
than the ending of a relationship, or abandonment.
Many narcissists strike an unhealthy balance. By a behaviour pattern
characterised by emotional (and physical or sexual) absenteeism, they drive
the partner to find emotional and physical satisfaction outside the bond.
This achieved, they feel vindicated - they are proven right in being
jealous.
On the other hand they are thus able to accept the partner back and to
forgive her. After all - they argue - the infidelity was precipitated by
their absence and was always under their control. They experience a kind of
sadistic satisfaction that they possess such power over their partner. In
provoking the partner to adopt a socially anomic behaviour they see proof of
the unlimited control they have over her. They read into the scene of
forgiveness and reconciliation the same interpretation: their magnanimity
and how addicted their partner has become to their presence.
The more severe the infidelity - the more control through guilt is available
to the narcissist. His ability to manipulate his partner increases the more
forgiving and magnanimous he is. He never forgets to mention to her (or, at
least, to himself) how wonderful he is for sacrificing himself. Here he is -
this assemblage of unique, unprecedented traits - willing to accept a
disloyal, infidel, inconsiderate, disinterested, self centred, sadistic
(and, entre nous, most ordinary) bitch back. True, he is likely to invest
less in the relationship, to become non-committal, and, probably, to host
hatred and rage. Still, she is the narcissist's one and only. The more
voluptuous, tumultuous, inane the relationship - the better it suits the
narcissist's self image.
After all, isn't this the stuff Oscar winning movies are made of? Shouldn't
the narcissist's life be special in this sense, too? Aren't the biographies
of great men adorned with such abysses of emotions?
If an emotional or sexual infidelity does occur (and very often it does), it
is usually a cry for help on behalf of the narcissist's mate. A forlorn
cause: no real change is achievable with this rigidly deformed personality
structure.
Usually, the partner is the dependent or avoidant type and is inherently
incapable of changing anything in her life. Such couples have no real,
mutually agreed upon narrative or agenda, they are compatible mostly on the
psychopathological level. They hold each other hostage and vie for the
ransom.
The dependent partner can determine for the narcissist what is right and
virtuous and what is wrong and evil as well as enhance and maintain his
feeling of uniqueness (by wanting him). She, therefore, possesses the power
to manipulate him. Sometimes she does so because years of emotional
deprivation and humiliation by the narcissist have made her hate him.
The narcissist - forever "rational", forever afraid to get in touch with his
emotions - often divides his relationships with humans to "contractual" and
"non contractual". By doing so he drowns the small, immediate, identifiable
(and absolutely and totally) emotional problems (with his partner) in a
torrent of irrelevant frivolities (his numerous other "contractual"
"relationships").
The narcissist likes to believe that he is the maker of the decision which
type of relationship he will establish with whom. He doesn't even bother to
be explicit about it. Sometimes people believe that they have a
"contractual" (binding and long-term) relationship with the narcissist -
while the latter entertains an entirely different notion without informing
them. These, naturally, are grounds for innumerable disappointments and
misunderstandings.
The narcissist uses this language to describe his relationship with his
partner. He says that he has a contract with his girlfriend/spouse. This
contract has emotional articles and administrative-economic articles.
One of the substantive clauses is emotional and sexual exclusivity.
But the narcissist feels that there is an asymmetry in the fulfilment of
contracts that he has with other humans in general - and with his female
partner in particular. The narcissist always feels that he gives and
contributes to a relationship more than he receives from it. This is true in
all the types of relationships that he has, be it business relationships or
emotional ones. He needs to feel deprived (read punished). This is the only
way he can safely execute the guilty verdict rendered in his case by the
primary and all important object in his life (usually, his mother).
The narcissist, though highly amoral (and at times, immoral), holds himself,
morally, in high regard. He describes contracts as "sacred" and feels averse
to cancelling or violating them even if they expired or were invalidated by
the behaviour of the other parties. The narcissist engages in asymmetric
moral judgements. When violated by the partner the violation of a contract
is deemed either trivial or nothing less than earth-shattering. If a
contract is violated by the narcissist he is invariably tormented by his
conscience to the extent of calling the contract (the relationship) off even
if the partner judges the violation to be trivial or explicitly forgives the
narcissist.
In other words, sometimes the narcissist feels compelled to cancel a
contract just because he violated it and in order not to be tormented by his
conscience (=by his superego, the internalised voices of his parents and
other meaningful adults in his childhood).
But things are even more complex. It is true that the narcissist acts
asymmetrically as long as he feels bound by the contract. He tends to judge
himself more severely than he judges the other parties to the contract. He
forces himself to comply more strenuously than his partners do with the
terms of the contract.
But this is because he needs the contract more than the others do. The
contract represents a relationship.
The annulment or the termination of a contract represent rejection and
abandonment, which the narcissist fears most. The narcissist would rather
pretend that a contract is still valid than admit to the demise of a
relationship. He never violates contracts because he is afraid of the
reprisals and of the emotional consequences. But this is not to be confused
with developed morals. If confronted with a better alternative - one which
more efficiently caters to his needs (see the next chapters) - the
narcissist will annul or violate a contract without thinking twice.
Moreover, not all contracts were created equal in the narcissistic twilight
zone. It is the narcissist who retains the power to decide which contracts
are to be scrupulously fulfilled and which offhandedly ignored. The
narcissist determines which laws (=social contracts) to obey and which to
break. And he expects society, his partners, his colleagues, his spouse, his
children, his parents, his students, his teachers - in short: absolutely
everyone - to abide by his rulebook. White collar narcissist criminals, for
instance, see nothing wrong with their behaviour. They regard themselves as
law-abiding, god-fearing, community-members. Their acts are committed in a
mental reserve, an enclave, a psychological no man's land, where no laws or
contracts are binding upon them.
The narcissist is sometimes perceived as whimsical, traitorous, posing and
double crossing. The truth is that he is the most predictable, consistent of
all people. He follows one over-riding principle: the principle of
Narcissistic Supply (upon which we will expand in the next few chapters).
The narcissist has internalised a bad object. He feels bad, corrupt,
deserving to fail, to be disgraced and punished. He is forever surprised and
thankful when good things happen to him. Out of touch with his emotions and
with his capabilities, he either exaggerates them or underestimates them.
He is likely to be grateful to his partner for having selected him. He is
also be likely to berate her for doing precisely this and to think that no
other would have been (or will be) as foolish, blind, or ignorant as to
commit the same mistake and choose him. The stupidity and blindness of his
mate or spouse is substantiated by the very fact that she IS his mate or
spouse. Only a stupid and blind person would have preferred the narcissist,
with his myriad deficiencies, over others.
This feeling of perchance occurrence is the true source of the asymmetry in
his relationships. The partner, having made this incredible choice, having
elected to live with the narcissist (=to bear this cross) is worthy of
special consideration. The partner represents an eventuality as rare as a
supernova or the appearance of a comet. The partner warrants special
treatment and the application of a special (double) standard. The partner
can be infidel, not contribute in any way (emotionally, financially), be
dependent, be abusively critical and display unforgivable behaviours - and,
yet, be forgiven unconditionally.
This, no doubt, is the direct result of a very flawed sense of self worth
and of a prevailing sense of inferiority.
This asymmetry is also an effective barrier against the expression of anger,
even legitimate anger.
Instead, anger is accumulated every time that the partner takes advantage of
the asymmetry (or is perceived by the narcissist to be doing so). The
narcissist believes that this is an expected result of the daily friction
between two cohabiting humans, especially partners with radically different
personalities.
Some of the anger is passively-aggressively expressed. The frequency of
sexual relations is adversely affected. Less sex, less talk, less touch.
Sometimes the aggression erupts volcanically in the form of rage attacks.
These are usually followed by panicky reactions intended to restore the
balance and to reassure the narcissist that he is not about to be deserted
or rejected. Following such rage attacks, the narcissist resorts to
passiveness, tenderness, appeasing gestures, or to wimpish and infantile
behaviour. The same behaviour is not expected (and in certain cases, not
accepted) from the partner. She is allowed to explode without as much as
apologising.
Another hurdle in the narcissist's way to establishing lasting (if not
healthy) relationships is his excess rationality and, chiefly, his tendency
to generalise on very flimsy evidence (hyper-inductiviteness).
The narcissist regards abandonment or a rejection by a specific
emotional-sexual partner as a final verdict concerning his very ability to
engage in such relationships in the future. Because of the self-denigrating
mechanisms described above, the narcissist is likely to idealise his mate
and believe that she must have been uniquely predisposed to have elected
him. His internal dialogue races on to generate images of the way the
partner self-sacrificed herself on the altar of the relationship. The more
convinced the narcissist is that his partner invested extraordinarily in the
relationship and the more assured he is that she was uniquely equipped to
succeed in it - the more frightened he becomes. Why the fear?
Because if this partner, as qualified as she was, as desirous of the
relationship as she was, failed - surely, no one else is likely to succeed.
In this case, the narcissist is doomed to an existence of loneliness and
destitution. He stands no chance of constructing a resilient, healthy
relationship with another.
The narcissist will do anything to avoid this seemingly foregone conclusion.
He would beg his partner to return and re-establish the relationship, no
matter what transpired. Her very return proves to him that he is of value,
the preferred alternative, someone with whom a relationship is both
constructible and maintainable.
The partner, in other words, is a living piece of market research. The
narcissist's selection by this living market survey (=by the partner) is
tantamount to receiving a quality award.
This "one-man-selecting-committee" and "chosen product" dyad is only one of
the pairs of roles adopted by the narcissist and his partner. There are also
"the sick" and "the healthy", or "the doctor/psychologist" and "the
patient", "the poor, underprivileged girl" and "the white knight in shining
armour" dyads and so on. These roles are analysed in detail in later
chapters. Suffice it to say, at this stage, that both roles - even the one
willingly (or unwillingly) adopted by the partner - are facets of the
narcissist's personality. Through complex projective identification
processes and other projective defence mechanisms the narcissist fosters a
dialogue between parts of his self, using others as mirrors and
communication conduits. The relationship has a highly therapeutic value on
the one hand. On the other hand it suffers from all the symptoms of a
successful (or, worse, a not so successful) therapy: transference,
counter-transference and the like.
Let us briefly study the pair "sick-healthy" or "patient-doctor". The
narcissist can assume either role in this pair.
If he fulfils the role of the "healthy" he attributes to his partner his own
inability to form long-standing, emotion-infused couple relationships. This
would be because she is "sick" (sexually hyperactive, "Nymphomaniac",
frigid, unable to commit, to be intimate, unjust, moody, or traumatised by
events in her past). The narcissist, on the other hand, judges himself to be
perfect in this respect: homely and striving to establish a "healthy"
couple. He interprets the behaviour of his partner in a manner supportive of
this theory and she displays emergent behaviour, which conforms with her
role. Sometimes, the narcissist invests less in such a relationship because
he regards his mere existence - sane, strong, omniscient - to be a
sufficient investment (gift, really), voiding the need to add "maintenance
efforts" on top of it.
In the other, converse case, the narcissist easily identifies many of his
behaviour patterns as "sick". This usually coincides with latent or open
hypochondriasis. The partner's health is idealised to form the background
against which the narcissist's sickness is contrasted. This is a
responsibility shifting mechanism. If the narcissist's pathology is deep
seated and irreversible - then he cannot be held responsible for his
actions, past and future.
These roles are the narcissist's ways of coping with an insoluble dilemma:
He is mortally terrified of being deserted. This fear drives him to minimise
the interaction with his partner to avoid the future, inevitable, pain.
This, in turn, leads to the feared abandonment. The narcissist knows that
his behaviour instigates the abandonment that he is so afraid of. In a way
he is happy about it, because it gives him the illusion that he is the
exclusive master of the relationship and of his own fate. To explicate his
bizarre brand of behaviour he elaborates these roles, which mask the true
state of things, that the narcissist is very sick, regardless of the state
of the mental health of his partner.
Ultimately, the narcissist loses his partners in almost all his
relationships. It is understandable that he hates his self for it, that he
is enraged to a suicidal point. It is because of the life-threatening
magnitude of these negative emotions that they are repressed. Every possible
psychological defence mechanism is employed to sublimate, transform (through
cognitive dissonance), dissociate or re-direct this self-mutilating rage. A
constant battle generates constant fear, which is manifested in the form of
anxiety attacks, or an anxiety disorder. A permanent feeling of unease
further compounds the picture. The narcissist begins to believe that he is
intrinsically deformed and defective. That he is irreparably dysfunctional
when it comes to establishing and to maintaining relationships (which is
true!).
The narcissist - especially during a life crisis - loses touch with reality.
Defective reality tests appear during therapy and even psychotic
micro-episodes, though this is much more common in the Borderline
Personality Disorder. Narcissists interpret a (fairly common) mismatch
between personalities in an apocalyptic manner. Dependence, a symbiotic
interaction is transformed into a series of statements regarding the
narcissist's very ability to form relationships.
But through all this, the narcissist needs a collaborative partner. He needs
someone to serve as a sounding board, a mirror, a victim, a bitch and a
witch. In other words, he needs a polyandric woman.
The narcissist reduces all women to two types: the Monoandric and the
Polyandric.
The Monoandric woman is psychologically mature. She is usually also of ripe
chronological age and sexually sated. She prefers intimacy and companionship
to sexual satisfaction. She is in possession of a mental blueprint, which
dictates her short-term goals. She emphasizes compatibility and is
predominantly verbal.
The narcissist reacts with fear and repulsion (mixed with rage and the wish
to frustrate) to the Monoandric woman. Consciously, though, he realises that
intimacy can be created only with this kind of woman.
The Polyandric woman is young (if not chronologically, then at heart). She
is still sexually curious and varies her sexual partners. She is not adept
at creating intimacy and emotional rapport. Because she is more interested
in the accumulation of experiences - her life is not guided by a "master
plan", or even by medium-term goals.
The narcissist is aware of the transience of his relationship with the
polyandric woman. So, he is attracted to her while being devoured by a fear
of being abandoned by her.
The narcissist will, almost always, find himself paired with a polyandric
woman. She poses no threat of getting emotionally close to him (=being
intimate). The incompatibility between them is so high and the probability
of abandonment and rejection so palpable - that intimacy cannot be forged
against such a background. Moreover, this consuming fear of being left
behind leads to the reconstruction of the primordial Oedipal conflict and to
a whole set of transference relations with the woman. This complex
inevitably results in the very abandonment so feared. Serious psychological
crises follow (narcissistic trauma or injury).
The narcissist knows (or, if less self-conscious, feels) all this. He is not
as attracted to the polyandric woman as he is repelled by the monoandric
one. The latter threatens him with the two things deemed by him to be worse
than abandonment: intimacy and a loss of his uniqueness. She offers to him
the possibility to communicate with his very threatening inner world by
(her) proxy. She wants him to settle into a moulded form of life common to
virtually all humanity: marriage, children, a career.
On the one hand, there is nothing like children to threaten a narcissist.
They are the embodiment of commonness, a reminder of his own, dark,
childhood, and an infringement upon his privileges. On the other hand, there
is nothing like children to boost an habitually flagging ego. In short,
nothing like children to create conflict in the tormented soul of the
narcissist.
The narcissist does not react to human beings (or interact with them) as
individuals. Rather, he generalises and tends to treat people as symbols.
This is also true when he selects "his" women. Women feel that and,
gradually, the narcissist finds it more and more difficult to be himself
with them. Women analyse his body language, his verbal and non-verbal
communication and match their own pathologies with his. They study his
behaviour patterns and his interactions with his (human) milieu and
(non-human) environment. They test their sexual compatibility with him by
having sex. They examine other types of compatibility by cohabiting or by
prolonged dating. Their mating decision is based on the above plus the
"evolutionary survival parameters". The latter include his genotype (genetic
and chemical makeup), his phenotype (his looks and constitution) as well as
his ability to secure economic resources.
This is a standard mating procedure with standard mating checklists. The
narcissist will likely pass the genotype and phenotype tests. Many
narcissists, however, will fail the third hurdle: their ability to support
themselves economically. Narcissism is a very unstable mental condition and
it complicates the narcissist's functioning in day to day life. The
narcissist tend to change numerous positions and jobs, to gamble away his
savings, and to become heavily indebted. He rarely accumulates wealth,
property, assets, or possessions. The narcissist prefers to fake knowledge
rather than to acquire it and to compromise rather to fight. He usually
finds himself engaged in capacities far below his intellectual ability.
Women notice this as well as his pompous, inflated body language,
haughtiness, rage attacks and severe acting out outbursts. Finally, the
closer they get to the narcissist, the more they are be able to discern
socially anomic, abnormal, and a-normative behaviours. The narcissist turns
out to be a crook, an adventurer, a crisis-prone, danger seeking,
emotionally cold, sexually abstaining or hyperactive individual. He might be
self-destructive, self-defeating, success-fearing, media-addict. His
turbulent history is likely to include abnormal sexual and emotional
relationships, prison terms, bankruptcies and divorces. Hardly the ideal
partner.
Even worse, the narcissist is likely to be a misogynist. He regards women as
a direct threat to his uniqueness, a potential for degradation. To him they
are the conformity agents of society, the domesticating whips. Through
homemaking, child rearing and the assumption of long term consumer credits
(and mortgages) - they are likely to reduce the narcissist to a Common Man,
his horror. Women represent an invasion of the narcissist's privacy,
unmasking his defence mechanisms by "X-raying" his soul (the narcissist
attributes unearthly powers of penetration to women).
They possess the power to hurt through abandonment and rejection. The
narcissist feels that women are very "business-like, use and discard" type
of people. They exploit their capacities for deep psychological penetration
to further their goals. In other words, they are sinister and not to be
trusted. Their motives should always be questioned.
This is the old fear of intimacy. These are the old phobias: of being
controlled, of being assimilated, of losing control, of being hurt, of being
vulnerable. This is the deep-rooted feeling of emotional inadequacy. The
narcissist believes that, upon closer scrutiny, he will be found lacking
emotionally and, thus, unlovable. This last belief is a private case of a
more general phenomenon: the narcissist's "Con-Artist Effect". The
narcissist feels that he is nothing but one big fake and that an objective
and thorough look is bound to discover this. The narcissist is the
chameleon-like "Zelig" - everything to everyone, no one to himself.
Put differently: a narcissist can interact with a woman emotionally (and
later, sexually), or only physically.
When the interaction is emotional, the narcissist feels that he risks losing
his uniqueness, that his privacy is invaded, that his defence mechanisms are
being unravelled, and that information divulged by him (following the
collapse of his defences) might be abused through destructive criticism. He
feels that he is rejected. Even if the rejection by the woman is only
because of incompatibility, without any comparative judgement and "rating" -
the feeling persists. The narcissist just "knows" that she is not sexually
or emotionally exclusive (others preceded him and others will succeed him).
The last point is important. During the initial phases of emotional
involvement the narcissist is likely to be told that there was no one like
him in the partner's life before. He judges this to be a false and
hypocritical statement simply because it is likely to have been given
before, to others. This prevailing sense of falsity permeates the
relationship from the very start.
In the back of his mind the narcissist always remembers that he is
"different" (sick). He recognises that this deformity is likely to thwart
any relationship, to lead to abandonment, or at lease to rejection. The
seeds of abandonment lie in every budding interaction with a woman. The
narcissist has to cope with his special predicament and with the social
changes and the disintegration of the social fabric, which anyhow make
sustaining relationship an ever more difficult achievement.
The alternative, corporeal contact, is no less vulgar. There, uniqueness and
exclusivity - what the narcissist needs most - are definitely absent.
This is especially true if an emotional dimension does exist in the
relationship. Whereas the narcissist can always convince himself that the
both the emotions and their background are unique - he would be hard pressed
to do so concerning the sexual aspect of the relationship. Some narcissists
prefer less complicated and less threatening sex: devoid of all emotion,
anonymous (group sex, prostitution) or autoerotic (homosexual or
masturbation). The sexual partner, in these conditions, lacks identity, is
objectified and dehumanised. Exclusivity cannot be demanded of objects - and
the conflict is happily resolved. An example that I always use: a
narcissist, eating in a restaurant, would rarely feel that his uniqueness is
threatened by the fact that thousands of people ate there before him and are
likely to do so after his departure.
The notion of his uniqueness is so fragile that the narcissist requires
"total compliance" to be able to maintain it.
Thus, the exclusivity of his emotional - sexual partner (a pillar in the
temple of his uniqueness) has to have spatial as well as temporal
attributes. To satisfy the narcissist, the partner must be sexually and
emotionally exclusive in both past and present. This sounds highly
possessive - and it is. The narcissist shivers at the thought of his
partner's past lovers and her exploits with them. He is even jealous of
movie actors, whom his partner finds appealing.
This need not be active, violent jealousy. In most cases, it is an insidious
form of envy, which poisons the relationship through mutated forms of
aggression.
But possessiveness is not a sufficient explication. Uniqueness - rather, the
risk to it - is. Exclusivity enhances the sensation of uniqueness. But why
can't the narcissist be unique to his partner today as others have been to
her in the past?
Because serial uniqueness is a contradiction in terms, uniqueness means
ultimate compatibility, enzyme and substrate, protein and receptor, antigen
and antibody, almost immunological specificity. The likelihood of serially
enjoying such compatibility with successive partners is very low. The
following conditions have to be met for serial compatibility to occur
(believes the narcissist):
1.. That one (or both) of the partners will have changed so radically that
the former specifications are replaced by new ones. This radical change can
come from the inside (endogenous) or from the outside (exogenous).
Such a dramatic shift must, therefore, occur with every new partner.
2.. Or that each partner is even more specifically compatible than its
predecessor - a highly unlikely occurrence.
3.. Or that compatibility is never achieved and one (or both) partners
react badly to some of the specifications and initiates separation.
4.. Or that compatibility is never achieved and any claim to the contrary
(especially the sentence "I love you") is false. The relationship, in this
case, is contaminated by major hypocrisy.
Yet, narcissists do get married. They do try to have lifetime partners. This
is because they distinguish "their" women from all other. There are
different requirements to be met by the narcissist's occasional girlfriend
(however "permanent") and by the permanent partner (however randomly
selected).
The permanent partner (wife, usually) has to satisfy four conditions:
She has to be his companion but on highly unequal terms. She must be
submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent to admire and admiring
enough never to criticise, critical enough to assist him and helpful enough
to make a good friend. This equation can never be solved and leads to bouts
of frustration and rage staged by the narcissist if any of his demands or
expectations goes unheeded.
The narcissist's partner has to share quarters with him. But the latter,
with an inflated sense of privacy and what can be best described as spatial
paranoia, is very hard to live with. He regards every presence in his space
as intrusion. The fragile or non-existent boundaries of his ego force him to
define rigid outer boundaries for fear of being annulled.
He enforces his brand of order and his species of behaviour on his entire
physical space in the most tyrannical manner.
It is a hybrid, almost transcendental existence led by the narcissist's mate
or spouse. There when required by him - absent at all other times. Rarely
can she define her own space or impress her personal preferences and tastes
upon it.
The narcissist's partner is usually his only sexual partner. Narcissists are
normally very loyal because they are mortally afraid of the repercussions if
found out cheating. But, being purely Sexual Communicators, they get bored
very easily and find it ever more taxing to maintain regular (let alone
exciting) sexual relations with the same partner.
They are under-stimulated and for want of alternatives, they develop a
vicious frustration-aggression cycle, leading to emotional absence and
coldness and to sexual intercourse decreasing in both quality and quantity.
This could drive the partner to extramarital sexual (or, even emotional)
affairs. It provides the narcissist with the justification that he needed to
do the same. However, the narcissist rarely uses this license. Instead he
uses the partner's inevitable guilt feelings to deepen his control over her
and to place himself in a morally superior position.
Often, the narcissist destabilises the relationship and keeps his partner in
constant uncertainty and insecurity by suggesting an open marriage
framework, a possible participation in group sex and so on. Alternatively,
he constantly alludes to sexual opportunities available to him. This he
might do jokingly but he continues to do so despite avid protestations by
his partner. By provoking her jealousy, the narcissist believes that he
endears himself to her and furthers his control of her.
Last - but definitely not least - is the issue of procreation, children.
Narcissists like children only as unlimited sources of Narcissistic Supply.
Put simply: children unconditionally admire the father-narcissist, they
succumb to his every wish, submit to his every command, and are temptingly
malleable. All other aspects of child-rearing are considered by him
repulsive: the noises, the smells, the invasion of his space, the nuisances,
the dangers, the long term commitments and, above all, the diversion of
attention and admiration from the narcissist to his offspring. The
narcissist envies his successful offspring as he would any other competitor
for adulation and attention.
A profile of the narcissist's spouse emerges:
She must value the narcissist's company sufficiently to sacrifice any
independent expression of her personality. She must usually endure
confinement in her own home. She either refrains from bringing children to
the world altogether or sacrifices them to the narcissist as instruments of
his gratification. She must endure long spells of sexual abstinence or be
sexually molested by the narcissist.
This is a vicious circle. The value of such a partner is bound to be
considered very low by the narcissist. The narcissist detests self-sacrifice
and self-annulment. He scorns such behaviour and humiliates the people that
exhibit it. He behaves similarly towards his partner until she leaves him
and, thus, proves herself to be different. Then, of course, he wants her
back.
The narcissist is looking for the kind of woman that he is able to drive to
abandon him by sadistically berating and humiliating her (on what could be
regarded as justified grounds).
In his internal dialogues, the narcissist heavily emphasises his problematic
experience with the opposite sex.
A woman is an emotional object for him. It is an instant narcissistic
solution. As long as she is indiscriminately supportive, adoring and
admiring she fulfils the role of the supplier of applause, which is a
critical one in the makeup of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
We are on safe ground, therefore, when we say that a mentally stable and
healthy woman will not wish - or be able to - live with a narcissist. His
lifestyle, his reactions, in short: his disturbance, prevent the development
of a mature love, of real sharing, of empathy. The woman is turned into an
object by the Gorgon look of the narcissist. She is the subject of
projections, projective identifications and a source of adulation.
Moreover, the narcissist is not inclined to live with such a woman. He needs
dependence, superior-inferior relationships (teacher-student, guru-disciple,
idol-admirer, therapist-patient, doctor-patient, father-daughter,
adult-adolescent or young girl, etc.).
The narcissist largely belongs in the past. He is a Victorian arch
conservative, even if he is unaware of it. He and feminism are anathema. He
feels ill at ease in today's modern world and he is seldom self-conscious
enough to understand why. He pretends to be a liberal. But this conviction
does not fit with his envy, an inseparable component of his narcissistic
personality. His conservatism and jealousy combine to yield extreme
possessiveness and a powerful fear of abandonment. The latter can (and does)
bring about self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours. These, in turn,
encourage the partner to abandon the narcissist. The narcissist, thus, feels
that he aided and abetted the process, that he facilitated his own
abandonment.
This is all part of a false facade, which could only be partially attributed
to repression or denial mechanisms. This fake facade is coherent,
consistent, wide and completely misleading. The narcissist uses it to
project both cognition (the results of conscious thought processes) and
affect (emotions).
The narcissist, for instance, would project a warm, sensitive, considerate
and empathic person - while, in truth, he is likely to be emotionally
shallow, to lose interest easily, to be inordinately self centred,
insensitive and unaware of what is happening around him and to other people.
He makes promises casually, plagiarises with abandon, and pathologically
(compulsively and unnecessarily) lies - all part of the same phenomenon: a
promising, impressive front behind, which are concealed psychical "Potemkin
Villages". This fosters strong frustration, hate, hostility and even verbal,
physical or legal violence, all directed at the narcissist.
This general rule is not violated when applied to matters of the heart. The
narcissist employs the same tactics with women.
The narcissist lies because he thinks reality is too "grey" and
insufficient. He feels that his skills, properties, and qualifications are
lacking, that his biography is boring, that many aspects of his life call
for improvement. The narcissist desperately wants to be loved - and modifies
and mends himself to render himself loveable.
To this there is only one exception. The Sociologist Erving Goffman coined
the phrase "Total Institutions".
He was referring to institutions with total regulation of the totality of
life within them. The army is such an institution and so is a hospital, or a
prison. To some extent, any very foreign environment has elements of
totality. Living outside one's country, in a foreign, usually somewhat
xenophobic and hostile, society, has the same effect ("Total Situation").
Some narcissists react with a worsening of their mental problems (especially
the borderline personality disorder cases) in such institutions - and this
is understandable. There is nothing like a total institution to negate
uniqueness.
But others feel relaxed and secure. This is an enigma the solution of which
provides us with important insights regarding the codes, which control the
narcissist's attitudes towards women.
Total Institutions and Total Situations have a few common denominators:
1.. They eliminate the individual's idiosyncratic identity by employing
external measures. Uniforms, dormitories, numbers instead of names, in
hospitals the patients are identified by their organs or conditions, etc.
This is coupled with an emergent uniqueness, the result of belonging to a
mysterious select few, an order of suffering or guilty, a brotherhood of
endurance.
2.. People in these places have no past or future. They inhabit an
infinite present.
3.. The starting conditions of all the people confined to these
institutions or situations are identical. There are no relative or absolute
advantages, no value judgements, no rating of worthiness, no competition, no
inferiority or superiority complexes induced from the outside. This,
naturally, is a gross oversimplification, even, to some extent, a
misstatement of the facts.
But we need to idealise in order to analyse.
4.. The Total Institution offers no frame of reference or of comparison
which might foster feelings of failure or of inferiority.
5.. The constant threat of sanctions restrains and eliminates destructive
or unrealistic behaviours.
A heightened awareness of reality is necessary for survival. Any
self-injury or sabotage is punished more severely than in the outside,
"relative", world.
Thus, the narcissist can attribute his failures to his new environment. If
it is voluntarily selected (going abroad) the narcissist can say that it was
he who chose failure over success - a choice that he did have. Otherwise,
the failure is described as a result of overriding external imperatives
("force majeure"). The narcissist has an alternative in this case. He
doesn't have to identify with his failures or to internalise them because he
can convincingly argue (mainly with himself) that they are not necessarily
his.
In all other circumstances the narcissist would tend to regard himself as a
failure. There is an important distinction between saying: "I failed" and "I
am a failure". The narcissist is blind to this distinction. Whenever he
fails - and he is predisposed to fail - he "assimilates" the failure and
makes it his own flesh and blood in an act of transubstantiation.
Narcissists are more prone to failure because of their built-in instability
and brinkmanship. There is also the schism between their rational equipment
and their emotional one. While, usually, highly talented, cerebral and
intelligent - narcissists are emotionally immature and pathological.
Narcissists know that they are inferior to other people in that they have a
self-destroying mechanism akin to the instruction tapes in "Mission
Impossible". They solve this gap between their aspirations and their ability
to materialise them by manufacturing and designing their own failures (using
their affective side). This way they feel that they control the failures and
that - had they only wanted to - there would have been none. This apparently
ingenious mechanism is, in itself, destructive.
On the one hand, it is successful in making the narcissist feel that he is
in control of his failures (if not of his life). On the other hand, the fact
that the failure directly and unequivocally emanates from the narcissist -
makes it an inseparable part of him. Thus, the narcissist feels not only
that he is the author of his own failures (which, in some cases, he, indeed,
is) - but that failure forms an integral part of him (which, gradually,
becomes true).
It is due to this misidentification process that the narcissist finds it
hard to "market" himself, be it to a potential employer or to a woman that
he desires. The difficulty is this:
The narcissist's total attitude transforms him (in his eyes) to a total
(systemic) failure whenever he does fail. His self-esteem and self-image are
always mortally wounded. He feels that he doesn't have "anything to offer".
When he tries to derive consolation from the memory of past successes - the
comparison depresses him even further, giving him the feeling that he is in
a steep personal decline. As it is, the narcissist regards any need to
promote himself as demeaning. To promote oneself - means to need others, to
be inferior (however temporarily). The need is both external (economic,
let's say) and internal (emotional). The narcissist is also afraid of the
possibility of being rejected, of failing to self-promote. This kind of
failure may have the worst effect, compounding the narcissist's feeling of
worthlessness.
No wonder that the narcissist regards any act of self-promotion as
dehumanising, as negating his self-respect in a cold, alienated,
transactional universe. The narcissist fails to understand why he needs to
promote himself when his uniqueness is so self-evident. He envies the
successes and the happiness of others (=their self-marketing successes).
None of these problems arises in a Total Institution or outside the
narcissist's natural milieu (abroad, for instance), or in a Total Situation.
Any failure can be explained away by a poor starting point and by the
inferiority inherent in such a situation. The narcissist does not have to
internalise the failure or to identify with it. The act of self-promoting is
also made much easier. It is understandable why one has to promote oneself
if one is rendered inferior by circumstances of one's choice.
The need to market oneself is only external and objective, force majeure,
really, though brought about by the narcissist himself. The narcissist
compares the situation to a game of chess: you select the game but once you
have done so, you have to abide by the rules, however disadvantageous.
In these circumstances any failure can be attributed by the narcissist to
outside forces - including the failure to promote himself. The act of
self-promotion cannot, by definition, dehumanise the narcissist or humiliate
him. In a Total Institution (or in a Total Situation) the narcissist is no
longer a human being - he has no respect to lose. The positive aspect is
that the narcissist is rendered special and mysterious by virtue of being a
stranger and even by the mystery associated with the loss of his identity.
The narcissist cannot envy other people's successes and happiness for they
had a better head start. They belong, they control, they dictate, they are
supported by social hyper-structures (by the law, for instance). The
narcissist will never accept that anyone can have knowledge superior to his.
He is likely to argue vehemently with the medical staff attending him over
his treatment, for instance. But he succumbs to force (the more brutal and
explicit - the better). And while doing so, the narcissist feels a great
relief: the race is over and responsibility has been shifted to the outside.
He is almost euphoric when force is exercised upon him or when he finds
himself in a bad spot because this vindicates his internal voices, which
keep telling him that he is bad and should be punished.
It is this fear of failure - especially the fear of failing to promote
himself - that thwarts the narcissist's relationships with women and with
other figures of authority or of import in his life.
It is really the old fear of being abandoned in one of its endless guises.
The narcissist envies his deserting partner. He knows how difficult and
emotionally wrenching it is to live with him. He realises that his partner
will be much better off without him - and this makes him sad (that he was
unable to offer her that) and envious (that her lot is likely to be better
than his.) Of course, he displaces some of his emotions, blaming his
partner, then blaming himself, angry at her and afraid to feel this
(forbidden) anger (at his mother's substitute).
The narcissist does not feel sorry because a specific individual - his
partner - abandoned him. He feels sorry because he was abandoned. It is the
act of abandonment, which matters - the figures (his mother, his partners)
are interchangeable. The narcissist always shares his life with a fantasy,
an idealisation, with an invented figure forced upon his real life partner.
Abandonment is only the rebellion of the real life partner against the
invented and compulsively enforced figure, against the humiliation thus
suffered - verbal and behavioural.
For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged in his totality. To
be deserted means to be deemed not unique (easy to find a substitute to). At
its extreme interpretation, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation
of the narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so because
there is no emotional problem to get away from him and never to see him
again. There should be no problem to bid farewell to someone who just is not
there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels annulled, rendered
transparent, abused, exploited, objectified.
Put differently the narcissist experiences through abandonment (even through
the risk of it) a re-enactment of the very mistreatment and abuses, which,
earlier in his life, transformed him into the deformed creature that he is.
He gets a taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly
administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing childhood
experiences.
This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear. He
begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete dysfunction. He is
likely to entertain suicidal ideation.
An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for the narcissist -
more ominous than the risks normally associated with it.
ARTICLE 7
(Feel free to publish as a SERIES)
SURVIVING THE NARCISSIST
Question:
Is there a point in waiting for the narcissist to heal? Can it ever be
better?
Answer:
Rescue Fantasies
"It is true that he is a chauvinistic narcissist with repulsive behaviours.
But all he needs is a little love and he will be straightened out. I will
rescue him from his misery and misfortune. I will give him the love that he
lacked as a kid. Then his narcissism will vanish and we will live happily
ever after."
Loving a Narcissist
I believe in the possibility of loving narcissists if one accepts them
unconditionally, in a disillusioned and expectation-free manner.
Narcissists are narcissists. Take them or leave them. Some of them are
lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the
misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their
disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realisation that they
fell in love with an ideal of their own making, a phantasm, an illusion, a
fata morgana. This "waking up" is traumatic. The narcissist is always the
same. It is the victim who changes.
It is true that narcissists present a facade in order to generate Sources of
Narcissistic Supply. But this facade is easy to penetrate because it is
inconsistent and too perfect. The cracks are evident from day one but often
ignored. And what about all those who KNOWINGLY and WILLINGLY commit their
wings to the burning narcissistic candle?
This is the catch-22. To react emotionally to a narcissist is like talking
atheism to an Afghan fundamentalist. Narcissists have emotions, very strong
ones, so terrifyingly strong and negative that they hide them, repress,
block and transmute them. They employ a myriad of defence mechanisms:
projective identification, splitting, projection, intellectualisation,
rationalisation. Any effort to emotionally relate to a narcissist is doomed
to failure, alienation and rage. Any attempt to "understand" (in retrospect
or prospectively) narcissistic behaviour patterns, reactions, his inner
world in emotional terms - is equally hopeless. Narcissists should be
regarded as a force of nature or an accident.
There is no master-plot or mega-plan to deprive anyone of happiness. Being
born to narcissistic parents, for instance, is not the result of a
conspiracy. It is a tragic event, for sure. But it cannot be dealt with
emotionally, without professional help, or haphazardly. Stay away from
narcissists, or face them aided by your own self-discovery through therapy.
It can be done. As opposed to narcissists, the prognosis for the victims of
narcissists is fairly bright.
Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation
by significant others. Such stimulation is perceived as a threat.
Significant others in the narcissist's life have very clear roles:
accumulation and dispensation of past Primary Narcissistic Supply in order
to regulate current Narcissistic Supply. Nothing less but definitely nothing
more. Proximity and intimacy breed contempt for reasons that I mentioned
earlier. A process of devaluation is in full operation throughout the life
of the relationship.
A passive witness to the narcissist's past accomplishments, a dispenser of
accumulated Narcissistic Supply, a punching bag for his rages, a
co-dependent, a possession (though not prized but taken for granted) and
nothing much more. This is the ungrateful, FULL TIME, draining job of being
the narcissist's significant other.
But humans are not instruments. To regard them as such is to devalue them,
to reduce them, to restrict them, to prevent them from realising their
potential. Inevitably, narcissists lose interest in their instruments, these
truncated versions of full-fledged humans, once they cease to serve them in
their pursuit of glory and fame.
Consider "friendship" with a narcissist as an example of such thwarted
relationships. One cannot really get to know a narcissist "friend". One
cannot be friends with a narcissist and ESPECIALLY - one cannot love a
narcissist. Narcissists are addicts. They are no different to drug addicts.
They are in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as Narcissistic
Supply. Everything and EVERYONE around them is an object, a potential source
(to be idealised) or not (and, then to be cruelly discarded).
Narcissists home in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. They are
excellent at imitating emotions, exhibiting the right timely behaviours and
at manipulating.
All generalisations are false, of course, and there are bound to be some
happy relationships with narcissists. I discuss the narcissistic couple in
one of my FAQs. One example of a happy marriage is when the narcissist teams
up with another narcissist of a different kind (somatic with cerebral or the
reverse). Narcissists can be happily married to submissive, subservient,
self-deprecating, echoing, mirroring and indiscriminately supportive
spouses. They also do well with masochists. But it is difficult to imagine
that a healthy, normal person would be happy in such a folies-a-deux
("madness in twosome").
It is also difficult to imagine a benign and sustained influence on the
narcissist of a stable, healthy mate/spouse/partner. One of my FAQs is
dedicated to this issue ("The Narcissist's Spouse / Mate / Partner").
BUT many a spouse/friend/mate/partner like to BELIEVE that - given
sufficient time and patience - they will be the ones to release the
narcissist from his wrenching bondage. They think that they can "rescue" the
narcissist, shield him from his (distorted) self, as it were. The narcissist
makes use of this naiveté and exploits it to his benefit. The natural
protective mechanisms, which are provoked in normal people by love - are
cold bloodedly used by the narcissist to extract yet more Narcissistic
Supply from his writhing victim.
The narcissist affects his victims by infiltrating their psyche, by
penetrating their defences. Like a virus, it establishes a new genetic
strain within his/her victims. It echoes through them, it talks through
them, it walks through them. It is like the invasion of the body snatchers.
You should be careful to separate your self from the narcissist inside you,
this alien growth, this spiritual cancer that is the result of living with a
narcissist. You should be able to tell apart your real you and the YOU
assigned to you by the narcissist. To cope with him/her, the narcissist
forces you to "walk on eggshells" and develop a False Self of your own. It
is nothing as elaborate as his False Self - but it is there, in you, as a
result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you by the narcissist.
Thus, perhaps we should invent VoNPD, another mental health category -
Victims of NPD. They experience shame and anger for their past helplessness
and submissiveness. They are hurt and sensitised by the harrowing experience
of sharing a simulated existence with a simulated person, the narcissist.
They are scarred and often suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
(PTSD).
Some of them lash out at others, offsetting their frustration with bitter
aggression (a classic mechanism).
Like his disorder, the narcissist is all-pervasive. Being the victim of a
narcissist is a condition no less pernicious than being a narcissist. Great
efforts are required to abandon a narcissist and physical separation is only
the first (and less consequential) step. One can abandon a narcissist - but
the narcissist is slow to abandon its victims. It is there, lurking,
rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an
inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim.
The narcissist is there in spirit long after it has vanished in the flesh.
This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they
become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last
bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.
Narcissistic Tactics
The narcissist tends to surround himself with his inferiors (in some
respect: intellectually, financially, physically). He limits his
interactions with them to the plane of his superiority. This is the safest
and fastest way to sustain his grandiose fantasies of omnipotence and
omniscience, brilliance, ideal traits, perfection and so on.
Humans are interchangeable and the narcissist anyhow does not distinguish
one individual from another. To him they are all inanimate elements of "his
audience" whose job is to reflect his False Self. This generates a perpetual
and permanent cognitive dissonance:
The narcissist despises the very people who sustain his Ego boundaries and
functions. He cannot respect people so expressly and clearly inferior to
him - yet he can never associate with people evidently on his level or
superior to him, the risk of narcissistic injury in such associations being
too great. Equipped with a fragile Ego, precariously teetering on the brink
of narcissistic injury - the narcissist prefers the safe route. But he feels
contempt for himself and for others for having preferred it.
Some NPDs are ALSO Antisocial PDs (AsPDs) and/or sadists. Antisocials don't
really ENJOY hurting others - they simply don't care one way or the other.
But sadists do enjoy it.
"Pure" NPDs do not enjoy hurting others - but they do enjoy the sensation of
unlimited power and the validation of their grandiose fantasies when they
hurt others or are in the position to do so. It is more the POTENTIAL to
hurt others than the actual act that turns them on.
The Neverending Story
Even the official termination of a relationship with a narcissist is not the
end of the affair. The Ex "belongs" to the narcissist. She is an inseparable
part of his Pathological Narcissistic Space. This possessive streak is not
terminated with the physical separation. Thus, the narcissist is likely to
respond with rage, seething envy, a sense of humiliation and invasion and
violent-aggressive urges to an ex's new boyfriend, or new job (to her new
life without him). Especially since it implies a "failure" on his part and,
thus negates his grandiosity.
But there is a second scenario:
If the narcissist were to firmly believe (which is very rare) that the ex
does not and will never represent any amount, however marginal and residual,
of any kind (primary or secondary) of Narcissistic Supply - he would remain
utterly unmoved by anything she does and anyone she may choose to be with.
Narcissists do feel bad about hurting others and about the unsavoury course
their lives tend to assume. Their ego-dystony (=feeling bad about
themselves) was only recently discovered and described. But my suspicion is
that a narcissist feels bad only when his Supply Sources are threatened
because of his behaviour or following a narcissistic injury (such as a major
life crisis: divorce, bankruptcy, etc.).
The narcissist equates emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental
and the emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the
vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving. He mocks
expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid of empathy. He is so
afraid of his True Self that he would rather disparage it than admit to his
own faults and "soft spots".
He likes to talk about himself in mechanical terms ("machine", "efficient",
"punctual", "output", "computer").
He suppresses his human side diligently and with a dedication derived from
his drive to survive. To him it is impossible to be both human and to
survive. He must choose and his choice is clear. The narcissist never looks
back, unless and until forced to by life circumstances.
ALL narcissists fear intimacy. But the cerebral narcissist deploys strong
defences against it: "scientific detachment" (the narcissist as the eternal
observer), intellectualising and rationalising his emotions away,
intellectual cruelty (see my FAQ regarding inappropriate affect),
intellectual "annexation" (regarding the other person as the narcissist's
extension or territory), objectifying the other and so on. Even emotions
that are expressed (pathological envy, neurotic or other rage, etc.) have
the not totally unintended effect of alienating rather than creating
intimacy.
Abandoning the Narcissist
The narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear of it. He
is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally
hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the
potentially destabilising situation - than confront its effects if initiated
by the significant other. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a
low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.
Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole
edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal
ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated and directed his
abandonment, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to
himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences.
(See the section about Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms in the
Essay.)
The Dynamics of the Relationship
The narcissist lives in a fantasised world of ideal beauty, incomparable
(imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The
narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the
Grandiosity Gap - the abyss between his sense of entitlement and his
inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and
achievements.
The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be a Source of Narcissistic
Supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that -
blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist - such a tool would
malfunction. The needs and grievances of the partner are perceived by the
narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence in the
relationship as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining. He feels entitled to
the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or
in catering to the well-being of his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set
feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologises the
partner. He projects sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of
projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the
sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he
denies in himself, what he is terrified of facing in his own personality -
he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against
himself.
The narcissist MUST have THE best, the MOST glamorous, stunning, talented,
head turning, mind-boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short of this
fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life
spouse - he invents an idealised figure and relates to it instead. Then,
when reality conflicts too often and too evidently with the ideal figure -
he reverts to devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and becomes
threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively
critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, and "clinical". He
punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his standards as
personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The
narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding God.
Moving On
To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must
move on.
Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to
acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonising
series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong resistances. Once the battle
is won, and harsh and painful realities are assimilated, one can move on to
the learning phase.
We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences.
We digest. We have insights.
Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient
emotional sustenance, support and confidence - we face the battlefields of
our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises those
who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their
self-esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.
Grieving
After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had
of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We
mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to
love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost
someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves
and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?
The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are
dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner
monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence
and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we
accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity.
And this is called healing.
ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage back,
not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is
equally bad to get fixated on our rage like this forever. Permanent grieving
is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our
harrowing experiences, we unwillingly collaborate with our abuser to
perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our
abuser, minimising him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and
by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is neve
r to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.
Forgiving and Forgetting
Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for
the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate
behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of
course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it
is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and
"immutable" principles in life. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid
principles. Sentences, which start with "I never" are either not very
credible or, worse, they lead to self-defeating, self-restricting and
self-destructive behaviours.
Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek
them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not
avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity as much as through care and
love that we grow.
Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships,
partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient in
itself to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and
compassionate relationship. It is a pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one -
but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily
basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.
Remaining Friends with the Narcissist
But can't we act civilised and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist
ex? Never forget that narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice to others
when:
1.. They want something - Narcissistic Supply, help, support, votes,
money. They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the
"small favour" they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for
Narcissistic Supply ("What did you think about my performance.", "Do you
think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").
2.. They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering
it with oozing pleasantries.
3.. They have just been infused with an overdose of Narcissistic Supply
and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show
magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is
an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere
receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented infatuation with
his False Self.
This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to "thank God
for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm
syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captors rather
than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for
ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for a while.
Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their
needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been
conditioned in early childhood. It is only with narcissists that they feel
alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the
presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.
I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that. The test is this: if a person
were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese -
would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have
been conditioned by the narcissistic Primary Objects in their lives (parents
or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a
deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows the inverted
narcissist (the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good
aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence, the
constant drama and excitement, the lack of intimacy and emotional attachment
(some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into
abuse in Archaic Chinese, so what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyway?
I have only one nagging doubt, though:
If the relationship with a narcissist is so rewarding, why are inverted
narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or
otherwise)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm syndrome
(=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police)?
Narcissists and Abandonment
Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and
borderlines are.
BUT
Their solution is different.
Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react
disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned.
Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are
abandoned.
This way they achieve two goals:
1.. Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of
tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material.
Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay
gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.
2.. By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to
himself persuasively. "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I
controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not
abandoned, was I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this "official
version" as the truth. He might say: "I deserted her emotionally and
sexually long before she left."
This is one of the important Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms
(EIPM) that I write about extensively in the Essay.
Why the Failing Relationships?
Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness - in
short, they hate life itself.
The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological
dynamics, which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a
narcissist).
First, there is pathological envy.
The narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their
property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the
fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their
present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location.
Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But
there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his
envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out
of their own deprivation.
Then there is narcissistic hurt.
The narcissist regards himself as the centre of the world and of the lives
of people around him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all
developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the
only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever
indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose
fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a
reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to
illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and
catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control
or initiative.
The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other
people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable
him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of
such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the
sad person.
"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist" is a
common sentence.
The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it
serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant
reminders of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?
Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well lately?"
Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control.
The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by
manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not
far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels
threatened and belittled by an emotion not fostered by him or by his actions
directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the
narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are
at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.
Living with a Narcissist
You cannot change people, not in the real, profound, deep sense. You can
only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find your narcissist
rewarding at times - you should do two things, in my opinion:
1.. Determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can
you adapt to him (i.e., accept him AS HE IS) AND to which extent and in
which ways would you like him to adapt to you (i.e., accept you as you are).
Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest.
Change in you what you are willing and able to change - and ignore the
rest.
It is sort of an unwritten contract of co-existence (could be written if
you are more formally inclined).
2.. Try to maximise the number of times that ".his walls are down", that
you ".find him totally fascinating and everything I desire". What makes him
be and behave this way? Is it something that YOU say or do? Is it preceded
by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make him
behave this way more often?
Remember, though:
Sometimes we mistake guilt and self-assumed blame for love.
Committing suicide for someone else's sake is not love.
Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love.
It is domination.
You control your narcissist by giving, as much as he controls you through
his pathology.
Your generosity prevents him from facing his True Self and thus healing.
But this you must remember as well:
It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful
to the narcissist.
It is, of course, possible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is
meaningful to you (see FAQ 66).
You modify your behaviour in order to secure the narcissist's continuing
love, not in order to be abandoned.
This is the root of the perniciousness of this phenomenon:
The narcissist IS a meaningful, crucially significant figure ("object") in
the inverted narcissist's life.
This is the narcissist's leverage over the inverted narcissist. And since
the inverted narcissist is usually very young when making the adaptation to
the narcissist - it all boils down to fear of abandonment and death in the
absence of care and sustenance.
I don't think that the inverted narcissist's accommodation of the narcissist
is as much a wish to gratify one's narcissist (parent) - as the sheer terror
of forever withholding gratification from one's self.
The Need to be Hopeful
I understand the need to be hopeful.
There are gradations of narcissism. In all my writings, I am referring to
the extreme and ultimate form of narcissism, the NPD. People with
narcissistic traits or a narcissistic style have hope.
We often confuse shame with guilt.
Narcissists feel shameful when confronted with a failure. They feel
(narcissistically) injured. Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of
perfection and uniqueness is questioned. They are enraged, engulfed by
self-reprimand, self-loathing and internalised violent urges.
The narcissist punishes himself for failing to be God - not for the
maltreatment of others.
The narcissist makes an effort to communicate his pain and shame in order to
elicit the Narcissistic Supply needed to restore and regulate his failing
sense of self-worth. In doing so, the narcissist resorts to the human
vocabulary of empathy. The narcissist will say anything to obtain
Narcissistic Supply. It is a manipulative ploy - not a confession of real
emotions or an authentic description of internal dynamics.
Yes, the narcissist is a child - but a very precocious and young one.
Yes, he can tell right from wrong - but is indifferent to both.
Yes, it is a process of "re-parenting" (what Kohut called a "self-object")
that is required, of growth, of maturation. In the best of cases, it takes
years and the prognosis is dismal.
Yes, some narcissists make it. And their mates or spouses or children or
colleagues or lovers rejoice.
But is the fact that people survive tornadoes - a reason to go out and seek
one?
The narcissist is very much attracted to vulnerability, to unstable or
disordered personalities or to his inferiors. Such people constitute secure
Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The inferior offer adulation. The mentally
disturbed, the traumatised, the abused become dependent and addicted to him.
The vulnerable can be easily and economically manipulated without fear of
repercussions.
I think that "a healing narcissist" is a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron
(though NOT in all cases, of course).
Still, healing (not only of narcissists) is dependent upon and derived from
a sense of security in a relationship.
The narcissist is not particularly interested in healing. He tries to
optimise his returns, taking into consideration the scarcity and finiteness
of his resources. Healing, to him, is simply a bad business proposition.
In the narcissist's world being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved)
is a foreign language.
That is: meaningless.
One might recite the most delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still
remain meaningless to a non-Japanese.
That non-Japanese are not adept at Japanese does not diminish the value of
the haiku OR of the Japanese language, needless to say.
Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so off-handedly and naturally, as an
after-thought and reflexively.
They are aware of what they are doing to others - but they do not care.
Sometimes, they sadistically taunt and torment people - but they do not
perceive this to be evil - merely amusing.
They feel that they are entitled to their pleasure and gratification
(Narcissistic Supply is often obtained by subjugating and subsuming others).
They feel that others are less than human, mere extensions of the
narcissist, or instruments to fulfil the narcissist's wishes and obey his
often capricious commands.
The narcissist feels that no evil can be inflicted on machines, instruments,
or extensions.
The Social and Cultural Context
Personal incompatibility is a stand-alone fact. It requires no
apportioning of guilt or evocation of shame. It is the outcome of life
itself. Taking into consideration the number of variables, it is a
great miracle that any two people fit together, however loosely. Yes,
marriages are miracles and, in this sense, they are really "made in
heaven". Add to this the growing intolerance, the narcissism, the
hedonism and the consumerism, which characterize Western civilization.
Mix in the wide field of alternatives wrought by modern technologies.
And the end result is the demise of long-term commitment and
relationships. This is the soundbite age, the era of virtual sex, of
the shortest-term attention span ever. Individualism has gone cancerous
and was replaced by Malignant Self Love. The result?
Narcissism Revisited by everyone.
We are victim to forces which re-shape whole societies. It is not our
fault that we are living here and now. Half of all marriages dissolve
in the first few years. One third of all children are born to single
mothers. People are withdrawing, drawing their bridges, folding their
communal tents. They interact via screens and handsets. They go
wireless. They watch flickering images instead of watching each other.
They don't think or read or listen -
they consume and gulp. And sex is just one other commodity to be traded
for thrills and frills.
COPYRIGHT
One time English language print North American Rights and right to
maintain in an archive indefinitely - granted.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
(1) Alford, C. Fred - Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and
Psychoanalytic Theory - New Haven and London, Yale University Press -
1988
(2) Fairbairn, W. R. D. - An Object Relations Theory of the
Personality - New York, Basic Books, 1954
(3) Freud S. - Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905) - Standard
Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud - Vol. 7 -
London, Hogarth Press, 1964
(4) Freud, S. - On Narcissism - Standard Edition - Vol. 14 - pp. 73-107
(5) Golomb, Elan - Trapped in the Mirror : Adult Children of Narcissists
in Their Struggle for Self - Quill, 1995
(6) Greenberg, Jay R. and Mitchell, Stephen A. - Object Relations in
Psychoanalytic Theory - Cambridge, Mass., Harvard University Press, 1983
(7) Grunberger, Bela - Narcissism: Psychoanalytic Essays - New York,
International Universities Press - 1979
(8) Guntrip, Harry - Personality Structure and Human Interaction - New
York, International Universities Press - 1961
(9) Horowitz M.J. - Sliding Meanings: A defense against threat in
narcissistic personalities - International Journal of Psychoanalytic
Psychotherapy - 1975;4:167
(10) Jacobson, Edith - The Self and the Object World - New York,
International Universities Press - 1964
(11) Kernberg O. - Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism -
New York, Jason Aronson, 1975
(12) Klein, Melanie - The Writings of Melanie Klein - Ed. Roger
Money-Kyrle - 4 vols. - New York, Free Press - 1964-75
(13) Kohut M. - The Analysis of the Self - New York, International
Universities Press, 1971
(14) Lasch, Christopher - The Culture of Narcissism - New York, Warner
Books, 1979
(15) Lowen, Alexander - Narcissism : Denial of the True Self -
Touchstone Books, 1997
(16) Millon, Theodore (and Roger D. Davis, contributor) - Disorders of
Personality: DSM IV and Beyond - 2nd ed. - New York, John Wiley and
Sons, 1995
(17) Millon, Theodore - Personality Disorders in Modern Life - New York,
John Wiley and Sons, 2000
(18) Roningstam, Elsa F. (ed.) - Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic,
Clinical, and Empirical Implications - American Psychiatric Press, 1998
(19) Rothstein, Arnold - The Narcissistic Pursuit of Reflection - 2nd
revised ed. - New York, International Universities Press, 1984
(20) Schwartz, Lester - Narcissistic Personality Disorders - A Clinical
Discussion - Journal of Am. Psychoanalytic Association - 22 (1974):
292-305
(21) Stern, Daniel - The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View from
Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology - New York, Basic Books,
1985
(22) Vaknin, Sam - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited - Skopje
and Prague, Narcissus Publications, 1999, (Revised Edition) 2001, 2003
(23) Zweig, Paul - The Heresy of Self-Love: A Study of Subversive
Individualism - New York, Basic Books, 1968
While TiddlyWiki files are navigated somewhat like a web site, there are some differences that are easy to learn.
An excellent starting guide is [[TiddlyWiki for the Rest of Us|http://www.giffmex.org/twfortherestofus.html]] - An easy-to-use entry-level TiddlyWiki tutorial from [[giffmex|http://www.giffmex.org/bloghome.html]].
Sections include:
*How do you use a TiddlyWiki?
*Basic instructions:
*What in the world is a TiddlyWiki?
*For beginners: reading TiddlyWikis on the Internet
*Save a TiddlyWiki file to your computer
*Browser-specific issues
*Printing from a TiddlyWiki file
*For medium users: adding your own material to a TiddlyWiki file
*For advanced users: Customize your TW experience
*Host your TiddlyWiki online
//Learn More...//
[[TW Help|http://twhelp.tiddlyspot.com/]]
[[Tid-Help|http://tidhelp.tiddlyspot.com/]] - a primer for tiddlywiki
[[TiddlyWikiFAQ|http://twfaq.tiddlyspot.com/]]
[[TiddlyWiki Guides|http://tiddlywikiguides.org/index.php?title=TiddlyWiki_Guides]]
[[Official documentation site for TiddlyWiki|http://doc.tiddlywiki.org/]]
[[TiddlyStuff|http://gorgelink.org/tiddlystuff/]] - exploring //tiddlyness//
See GettingStarted for info on customizing this wiki.
UnderstandingNPD is a tiddler for the pligg powered [[Understanding NPD|http://www.gorgeaccess.net/npd/]] website. This TiddlyWiki is provided for the following purposes:
*a shareable FAQ and accessory for the [[Understanding NPD|http://www.gorgeaccess.net/npd/]] site
*a personal tool for site users to add their study own notes or use as a journal.